she imagines him watching her
unlearning patriarchal programming is a daunting task. i was recently reminded about the subconscious policing that we, as women, most likely have experienced and perpetuate.
it was a couple of tiktok posts (i'll link in the comments) that got me thinking. how many times have you thought yourself ugly when crying? i know i've thought of it. have you ever caught yourself cringing at what you must look like when expressing emotion, feeling anything, or doing literally any task?
even when alone, you survey yourself, you monitor yourself, you check yourself. check against what, though?
even when alone, women monitor themselves in consistency with the male gaze. why is it "ugly" to cry? why do i care in the first place? because i have been conditioned to care.
i am a woman watching a man watch a woman. inside me is a man watching a woman perform. the male gaze has been embedded into my own subconscious. i simultaneously perform for no one and for everyone. i have objectified myself. i have reduced myself to an object to view, to consume, to see, to take. even in my most vulnerable moments, even when alone, i am never alone.
the patriarchy's most successful campaign is not just male presence. it is the male gaze seeping into our very existence to the point you cannot escape it. it is the training of dutiful soldiers, agents that uphold the patriarchy even without a man present and without thinking it. but how do we escape it?