#clairbear

[anxiousshiper]

AND ANOTHER THING CHRIS. IF WE ARE GOING TO ENDURE THE FAKS AND CLAIRE IN S5, I WANT THEM TO TELL HER THAT CARMY CALLED SYDNEY THE BEAR AND ASK HIM WHAT'S UP WITH HIS EX BUSINESS PARTNER .

[bewaretheclairbear]

I'm so stupidly in love.

We snuck up to the top of a parking deck downtown to watch the fireworks, and I was wearing a sundress with no panties on, and it was a hot sticky summer night, and I could feel your cum dripping down my thighs, and I could feel your heart beating as you held me, and when the fireworks were over, you kissed me deeply and said you were glad I was fearless enough to sneak up there with you, and I said we should come back next year, and you smiled with your whole fucking face at the thought of us still being together next year, but what I'm too scared to say is that I want us to be together forever.

[bewaretheclairbear]

It’s so hard to make friends as an adult.

I’ve been trying to reconnect with this girl I went on a couple dates with last summer. I just want to be friends because I’m not really attracted to her but we used to have long conversations and enjoyed each other’s company, plus her work schedule is simliar to my weird-ass schedule, so we’d actually have time to hang out.

We’ve hung out a few times in the past couple months, talked on the phone a bit, but yesterday she dropped all these hints that she’s attracted to me but that she’s too scared to ask if I’m interested in her.

I tried to tell her without outright telling her that I’m not interested in her like that. I told her that I value her friendship. I hope she understands.

It’s so messy. But I’ve always had friends that I used to sleep with, or friends that I was half in love with, and I forget that not everyone lives their life that way.

[bewaretheclairbear]

I still can't believe strangers trust me with their lives...

[bewaretheclairbear]

I am stupid in love. 

My ears are stopped up with echoes of my lover’s words, my feet are slow to take me from my lover’s bed, my hands are clumsy at everything but caresses, my tongue is tied until it’s between my lover’s lips.

I don’t know what to do except write about it. I can’t tell my love how sprung I am. I can’t expose myself like that.

[bewaretheclairbear]

Riding my motorcycle to a booty call is possibly the raddest thing I'll do all year.

Feeling the engine purr and putter between my thighs, the golden moon shining benevolently down on me, my heart pounding in anticipation.

I will happily accept whatever pains I will have to suffer in order to cosmically balance the pleasure of this night.

[bewaretheclairbear]

Anyway it's a weird adjustment from thinking that I was a lesbian for a big chunk of my life, to realizing that I'm bi and that I have a conflicted attraction to some men (emotional types who need a woman to act as a sanctuary) but also loudly and frequently hoping that I'll find a woman to settle down with, to currently wanting to spend the rest of my life with my current boyfriend.

That's the problem with being bisexual, at least for me: I'm statistically more likely to find a male partner then a female one.

I still haven't made peace with that.

I feel very gay and I feel like I generally present as very gay, too, and I don't want anyone to mistake me for a heterosexual.

My current love is a very traditionally masculine man, tall and muscular and outwardly stoic, a military veteran who carries a gun for work and rebuilds cars in his spare time, and while he respects my sexual orientation and my complicated relationship to gender, I doubt he fully understands it.

But he seems secure in his masculinity and he likes me the way I am, with my thot boy haircut and my doc martens and motorcycles and my often boyish vibe, but he also clearly appreciates when I wear makeup and dresses and act like a lady, as I enjoy doing sometimes.

So I dunno.

We've been very upfront about what we can and can't, will and won't change about ourselves.

I think I'm just in mourning over the possibility of never being with a woman again, if he turns out to be the one™.

[bewaretheclairbear]

I always thought the saying that women and cats will do as they please was deeply misogynistic, as if women were a lower creature than men, with inscrutable desires that strain men’s patience.

But I’m learning to relish the feeling of being spoiled beyond reason, of having my whims respected as law, of being petted on demand and on my own terms, of curling up beside you in a shaft of afternoon sunlight, of toying with you as a cat terrorizes its prey, of stretching my limbs luxuriantly after devouring you.