Mercy - CLIII
Go off on your own for a while enjoy a movie with your favorite homosexual in the world
Talk about how you feel psychoanalyze the shit out of yourself if that's what it fucking takes
Because there are reasons why you're doing what you're doing
Let's do a bit of brainstorming, even
Why am I like this right now?
Let's operate off of the assumption that I am normally a very rational and logical person who understands the fluctuating nature of the human psyche
a.) I broke up with a person who made me really happy but who I realized the hard way was being manipulative and hurting me
b.) He taught me that everything I liked to do and wanted was not as good as the way that he liked and wanted it
c.) He could not be consistent about anything
d.) I wasn't good enough for him - he would talk about wanting to be monogamous, and then wanting other girls... I understand that I wasn't monogamous with him, but with all the things that he said he wanted, it was not consistent
e.) Probably taking what I got from him in a depressive fit and projecting it on to Hew; the things he wanted, the things I wanted with him, what I wanted to give him
f.) switching emotional gears is difficult for me, or at least that's what I keep saying
g.) I wasn't sure I wanted to give it a try at first, until I decided I wanted to persue Xil, because I thought he was amazing. Turns out I thought he was worth it - are other people worth it? I don't think I'm equipped to answer that question right now, but I don't want the option taken away from me if I decide to try again, and Hew wouldn't try to take it away from me
h.) What else is hurting me? What else is legitimately hurting me apart from these experiences I just had? I can't think of anything but the barbed thoughts that ceaselessly bounce around in my head. Why do they hurt in the first place? Probably because of the above reasons and more, which I guess is partially the point of this query right now
i.) Xil will deny it up and down, always, about what he wanted. He wasn't clear and he wasn't honest and he liked to play games. I guess I need to reconcile the fact that I don't know how much of it is my fault and I don't know how much of it is his fault
j.) I maintain that I am actually okay with poly - THAT'S THE FUCKING WAY IT IS ANYWHERE ELSE BUT THIS PLANE, THAT IS THE NORM LITERALLY ANYWHERE ELSE. But fuck, I got some shit swapped up and I'm trying to change and adapt and adjust to these things that I experienced and it's fucking difficult. But WHY. WHY IS WHAT I'M TYRING TO FIGURE OUT; WHY IS IT DIFFICULT
k.) He gave me... structure? Of sorts? I built a structure about and around him, that included him in my life for a long time to come - I wanted him to be a part of it, I wanted to be a part of his
l.) He made me dependant on him... in plenty of ways... or I made myself such. Does it really matter at this point? The point now is that he's out of my life and I'm capable of getting healthy because I'm in a healthy relationship with somebody and it's possible because I'm mutable as fuck to have a positive outlook about it i.) it's not something that's going to be easy all the time, you can't expect it to be ii.) just because you *can* be a part of a relationship model like this doesn't mean that you innately *have* to - you are a mutable and changable human fucking being, and you can change your mind about stuff and adapt to stuff like nobody's business iii.) All humans are so adaptable, and you have no reason to think that you are not - look at how you've changed and adapted just from fucking last month. Depression and bad feelings may be a semi-constant or something that comes up when it comes up, but there is a comprehensive and sliding scale of reality that you can slip into regardless of whatever happens iv.) life fluctuates, don't be so hard on yourself
m.) It's just fucking over with Xil... let it kind-of dissolve into the past, start fresh. He was a crappy and manipulative boyfriend, but that doesn't mean that everyone will be, or just focus on yourself and Hew, do whatever the fuck you want. He judged you really hard for liking things like sex, and there's really nothing wrong with liking sex i.) Even though he was completely hypocritical about it and liked the same thing ii.) He wanted to make me demure and bashful and as virginal as he could and I'm not really those things... he used my feelings for him to try to get what he wanted, I wanted to give him those things because I cared about him
n.) One word: Rape. i.) And you were okay with it for the majority of your relationship, you forgave him for in favor of being with him, even though he never really took ownership of his action ii.) You can't claim to know why he really did it. You know there's more than what he said - more than just a slip of the tongue, more than just a stupid mistake. People don't just say that to other people after doing something like that iii.) He may have been aware of my attraction to it by the time it happened, but that doesn't excuse anything because I told him explicitly what I expected iv.) He expected me to forgive him... I would have believed his story more if he would have been more fucking beaten up about it, and he cringed every time I brought it up because it hurt him to think about, but it's like he didn't fucking think about how it affected me. v.) who fucking does that? Seriously?
o.) He just wanted you. He didn't want you to get better, necessarily. He just wanted you with him. He'll be sad forever that you didn't stay, thinking probably that it's just a character flaw with me, and thinking passingly and sadly about all the mistakes that he made, but never truly examining them. You want to be with people who examine themselves and try to make themselves better for it, who are honest with themselves, people who will listen to you when you share your perspective, who will heed you.