Maybe I have never really said goodbye to you. Maybe the idea of really having to do that, of really having to let you go, scared me too much. Or maybe I did, despite I never allowed myself to feel it was so. I always searched for you in a shadow, in a shape, in a feeling, in a gesture, in a thought... in a dream too. And sometimes I had found you there, smiling back at me. Even in that dream in which you were more than 100 years old, lol. You, with that kind, pure and gentle heart... life could have never let you live for so long.
I have to thank you. You taught me so much, about love, about me, about others, about life, about living with no regrets, day by day, following your heart. About being cared for. About being loved. And you did all this just by being you. Fully yourself. Funny, curious, extroverted, excited, joyous, impulsive, hyper and hyped about things, welcoming, nice, weird, but also so tender, silently present, cautious, wild, protective, strong. You were so many different souls all in one. The whole package, one would say. All I have ever needed. Especially in a moment in which I needed support and a way out, in which I needed to grow, to feel real love, to learn how to care and to take care. You were there. A look in your eyes, and all the problems were just memories. You were my safe place, and I like to think I was yours too, somehow. You know, I probably was slightly obsessed with you... a bit of a toxic love? Who knows... but sometimes when you learn unconditional love and how strong it may be, it's hard to stay away from it even for just few seconds. You crave more and more. You crave its stability, its warmth, its safe embrace. You need to learn how to deal with it and its power, to not get burned or annihilated. You need to be (or grow) ready for it.
And when it leaves, so suddenly, when it goes away, you feel lost. You feel guilty, you feel powerless. So powerless that it kills you. You let the harsh part of life hit you all at once in your face, and let it all crash you down. You see no point in anything anymore, in experiencing happines or any other positive emotion... "it will end, sooner or later". That's what your mind keeps telling you. Touching, feeling warmth in another one, feels so impossible because you only want the warmth that you know and miss so deeply. The one that was "yours". And if you're not aware, if you don't pay attention, if you don't let this pain get out of you, if you don't ask for help or talk about it, it will start bringing you down and down and down... And once you're that far down, if you haven't taken care of your energy, it's hard to get back up. To do it for real. With your whole self.
I did it wrong, ofc. I didn't know what to do. I only felt empty and alone. I missed hearing your breath even. I isolated myself and got even more isolated as well. Instead of trying to help me, people let me alone. Not just cause I always acted independent or pretended I was fine. People never want to see others cry, it's triggering, "it's bad". But crying is only our own way to purify ourselves. And there's nothing wrong or bad in that. At all. But they just cannot bear with it, so they either pretend to not see you or they ask you to stop. To be strong. When the real strong ones, need to cry their pain out first.
I have always solved stuff alone, but sometimes, we need external help sources, when it's too hard to find support from the inside. I started doing what I could. I started writing, I started focusing on studies, I started doing other things among which taking photos (something I had left aside in my life until then, and I will never know why... but I'm thankful I came back "home").
I still pretended it was okay, it was life, I was fine. But the pain, the void, was fixed inside of me. Rotting, waiting for my weakest moments to take the best of me and ingest me once more, to leave me breatheless and useless. But photography was there, together with music, trying to suggest me how to heal, how to look at things from a different perspective, how to get back up. How to focus on what has been good, on what I learned, on what you gave me... and not on what I lost. You gave me parts of you that will always stay with me, as I gave you parts of me that will probably always be yours and I'll never have back. But that's part of some relationships, those that are created to help you grow the most. Those you enjoy the most too. Those that help you change for good, even after they're ended. I will always miss you probably and how I felt/who I was when I was with you, but this doesn't mean I have to live only partially now. That's not what you taught me. You taught me to live fully, to be me. Entirely. To always be me. And so, I'm trying to find myself again. Exactly that specific myself.
Despite this search is still on, I can say that I am who I am today also thanks to you. Also thanks to how you behaved with me. Also thanks to how I learned to behave with you, and how I keep trying to learn more everyday by being curious and hyped as you were (at least on my best days). You didn't change only me, you kinda changed for good all the people you had gotten in touch with. And if this is not magic, I don't know what it is! I just hope I will make you proud one day. Even if probably you were already proud of me, and happy about me. You really never cared much about results, you only cared about hearts and souls. And that's something I learned from you too. And what I want to keep doing in my life.
I hope you're doing good wherever you are now, and whatever you're doing. I'm sure you're taking good care of and teaching important life lessons to someone else. You'll do an amazing work, that's out of question. And maybe one day we'll meet again, somehow. I hope so. Thank you. Bye.
· Summary: Kevin’s sister has a penchant for boys in leather jackets.
“Are you sure you girls don’t want a ride to school?” Sheriff Keller asked. “It’s not out of the way.”
“I’m sure, daddy,” she assured him, grabbing her backpack. “Betty’s been having a hard time lately with her mom, we need to have girl talk.”
“Fill me in at lunch,” Kevin cut in, making her laugh.
Sheriff Keller sighed. “Alright. You girls be careful, you hear?”
“We will.” She leaned over the middle console, giving his cheek a kiss. “See you at school!”
She shut the door behind her before walking up the steps to the Cooper household, knocking twice. After a moment, the door swung open, revealing the ponytail wearing Nancy Drew. She looked slightly surprised but wore a kind smile.
“Hey, what are you doing here?” She asked as she joined her friend on the driveway.
“Betty, I completely apologize for flaking on our sleepover,” she explained, guiding Betty to the sidewalk.
“I completely understand, I’m not mad,” Betty assured her and she sighed.
“I wish you would’ve came with us. It was surreal. Dilton took a knife to the leg,” she explained animatedly, watching Betty’s expression. “Plus, I got a ride home..from a Serpent.”
At that, Betty’s eyebrows furrowed. “Should I be concerned?”
“I don’t think so,” she replied, looking thoughtful. “He was..nice, despite the circumstances. Cute, too.”
“Well, I thought I was going to have to worry but now I’m convinced,” Betty joked, rolling her eyes, and the girls laughed. “Seriously, be careful.”
“I will,” she insisted. “It was just a ride home. We didn’t exchange numbers or anything. I haven’t seen him since.”
“Well..” Betty looked hesitant, choosing her words carefully. “I have news too.”
She raised an eyebrow. “Okay, what’s up?”
Betty sighed. “You can’t tell anyone. Not Kevin, especially not your dad..” She grew serious. “The Black Hood has been contacting me.”
She gasped. “Betty! What’s he saying?”
Betty bit her lip. “I have to follow his exact words, or he’ll hurt Polly. He knows where she is. It can be dangerous, us talking about it like this. He could be watching us right now.”
Both girls glanced around slowly, taking in the silent streets and quiet houses. They locked eyes for a moment before Betty continued.
“When he calls again, I’ll have to answer.”
“Well, you’re not going through this alone,” she promised, taking Betty’s hand. “I’ll be right there with you.”
Betty smiled appreciatively. “This could be really dangerous.”
She shrugged. “Danger’s my middle name. Sleepover at your house?”
The two blondes sat on Betty’s bed, one looking anxious and the other looking interested. The lights were off, and the two girls were silent. Though she had informed her father, and Kevin, that she was sleeping over at Betty’s, Betty neglected to tell her parents. Clearly, she had her suspicions.
When the phone rang, they shared a look. She immediately stood up, motioning for Betty to answer it.
Taking a deep breath, she did. “Hello?”
The girl silently approached Betty’s window, peeking out of it.
“Yes, I’m alone.”
She glanced at Betty before averting her gaze to the street, her eyes flickering back and forth. The streets were empty and the neighbors had their curtains drawn.
She watched Betty rush to open her email, gesturing for her to come look, and she left her post to peer over Betty’s shoulder. Shockingly enough, it turned out that Alice Cooper had gotten arrested on the Southside. The girls shared a look as Betty asked for something in return for posting the picture, She heard him say something that made Betty’s eyes widen before he hung up.
“What’d he say?” She asked immediately, and Betty looked up at her.
“He’ll answer one of my questions if I post it by tomorrow,” she revealed, making the girl whistle.
She sat down on the bed beside Betty, looking thoughtful. After a moment of silence, she nodded. “You’re going to have to post it.”
Betty sighed. “I know.”
The next time she saw Betty, a lot had happened. She was nearly in tears as she sat in the girl’s bedroom, her eyes wide and her lip trembling. She gave Betty comfort, until Betty spoke up.
“He called me again. I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want you to get in trouble,” she explained with a shaky voice. “If he finds out I told you..”
“I’ll be fine, B,” she assured her, holding both of her hands. “What did he say?”
“He wants me to cut my friends off, and he started with Veronica. He made me say some awful things to her,” she explained as a tear rolled down her cheek. “And now he wants me to do the same with Jughead, or he’ll kill him.”
Her eyes grew wide. “Betty. Maybe we should tell my dad, or-“
“No!” Betty interrupted, looking panic-stricken. “He hasn’t hurt anyone since he started talking to me. I think I’m distracting him.”
“And killing yourself in the process,” she murmured, and Betty sighed. “He’s hurting you now, making you alienate your friends and now Jughead? How’re you even going to breakup with him?”
Betty bit her lip. “Well..I was hoping..”
She groaned. “Betty, was is this, middle school? I can’t break up with him for you.”
“It doesn’t have to be cruel, just enough to make him back off,” Betty explained quickly. “I’ll tell him the truth when it’s safe. But I can’t bear to do that to him myself.”
“Fine, but you owe me,” she relented, earning a tight hug from Betty. What had she gotten herself into?
She had to admit, walking on the Southside did give her a thrill. She was constantly looking over her shoulder, though. As she grew closer to Sunnyside, she felt a knot forming in her stomach. She adored Betty and Jughead, and she hated to have to do this.
She knocked on the door to the trailer, folding her hands together in front of her while she waited for Jughead to answer. She heard barking, making her raise her eyebrows, before the door swung open.
Jughead looked surprised to see her. “Hey, what are you doing here?”
“Just in the neighborhood,” she joked, playing with the hem of her shirt. “You got a dog?”
“Just dogsitting,” he said quickly, glancing around. “Look, not that I don’t appreciate you stopping by, it’s not really a good time.”
“I haven’t spent time with you in a while Jughead, at least be a good boy and invite me in,” she teased, giving him a small smile, which he returned.
“It’s not that I don’t want you around, I just-“
“Well, well. Look what we’ve got here.” They both turned, revealing the same group of Serpents she’d seen at the rumble.
She crossed her arms. “Sweet Pea. To what do we owe the pleasure?”
Jughead looked surprised. “You know him?”
She shrugged. “A little. Still doesn’t answer the question.”
“He’s got to finish his initiation into the Serpents,” Sweet Pea explained with a smirk, gauging her reaction as he stepped closer to her.
Jughead stood between them, giving Sweet Pea a warning look, but she touched his arm. “Is this why you were trying to throw me out, cause you’re going to become a Serpent.”
“Don’t try to talk me out of it,” he warned.
She shrugged her shoulders. “Okay.”
At this, everyone seemed shocked. Jughead repeated, “okay?”
“What, am I supposed to run to the Northside, shouting ‘Jughead’s a Serpent’ at the top of my lungs?” She asked, crossing her arms. “If this is your choice, then I’m okay with it.”
“Well, okay.” Sweet Pea clasped his hands in front of him. “As heartwarming as this little moment is, Jughead’s got to finish his initiation.”
“Then I’m coming with,” she announced, holding onto Jughead’s arm.
Jughead looked alarmed. “What?”
She shrugged. “I’m coming with you. What, no girls allowed?”
There was a slight murmur between the boys before Sweet Pea shrugged. “The more the merrier.”
Jughead sighed. “Fine. But this stays between us, and you lay low.”
“Yes, dad.” She saluted him, earning snickers from the boys around her and Jughead rolled his eyes.
She followed the gang, excitement building inside of her.
She sat with Toni as Jughead completed the final trial, wincing.
“It can be brutal,” Toni voiced aloud, putting a sympathetic hand on the girl’s shoulder. Though they hadn’t known each other long, Toni trusted Jughead’s judgment in bringing her and they got along just fine.
“It’s intense,” she agreed, glancing at Toni. “Did you have to do that when you joined?”
Toni laughed. “Not exactly.”
When Jughead returned to them, both greeted him with hugs. He seemed to be in good spirits, and it made her bite her lip. She still had to tell him what was going on.
“Thanks for watching her,” he told Toni, who nodded.
“Anytime.”
“Next time we should all hang out,” she suggested, earning a bemused smile from Toni.
“Text me.” Jughead shook his head, watching the girl’s exchange numbers, before he put a hand on her shoulder.
“It’s getting late. I should get you back home before your dad kills me.”
She rolled her eyes before hugging Toni. “Gotta go, dad’s calling.”
Toni laughed, hugging her back before she went to join the other Serpents. Jughead took the girl’s hand, leading her out of the Wyrm and starting the walk back to Sunnyside.
“Since when were you okay with all of this?” He asked, and she raised an eyebrow.
“Since Joaquin and Kevin started dating,” she reminded him. “Joaquin was a great guy. He looked out for us, especially Kevin. The Southside might not be the best all the times, but not everyone here is a druggie or a monster. Besides, I’m almost certain the Black Hood is a Northsider.”
Jughead seemed to be processing this information, and after a moment, he nodded. “I agree.”
They walked the rest of the way, comfortably catching up on all they’d missed in each other’s lives, before he arrived at his trailer.
“This is me,” he joked, making her smile. “I’d invite you in, but it is getting late..”
She shook her head. “Kevin’s covering for me with our dad. I do need to talk to you, privately.”
Sensing the sudden seriousness, Jughead nodded. He invited her inside, locking up before they sat together on the couch.
“Betty sent me over here to break up with you,” she admitted, taking in Jughead’s wide eyes. “But it’s not an order coming from here. It’s an order from him.”
“You mean..”
“The Black Hood hasn’t been killing, because he’s been distracted with Betty,” she explained quietly. “He’s been calling her, giving her instructions. Her mother’s mugshot, the falling out with friends..”
“We’ve got to do something, this is insane,” Jughead said, standing up, and she shook her head.
“It’s not that simple, Jug. I’m the only other person who knows, and we’ve been trying very hard to keep this a secret. If he finds out that you and I know…he’ll kill us.”
“Jesus.” Jughead ran his fingers through his hair before glancing at her. “What should I do?”
“Just stick to the narrative,” she offered, standing up. “Pretend you and Betty are broken up. Act upset over it. Know that Betty loves you and is trying to protect you and don’t do anything stupid.”
“Noted,” Jughead muttered, before a knock at the door interrupted them.
They exchanged a look. She whispered, “were you expecting company?”
“Not at all,” he muttered, before slowly beginning to approach the door. “Stay behind me.”
The knock came again, making her jump, as her heart began to beat wildly in her chest. She was ready to send Kevin an SOS text, their way of alerting each other to danger, before Jughead pulled the door open with his switchblade out. On the other side, was Sweet Pea.
Both teenagers sighed in relief, earning a weird look from Sweet Pea. “Do I even want to know what you guys are doing in here?”
Jughead rolled his eyes, putting the knife away. “You weren’t who we were expecting.”
“I’d hate to be that guy,” he joked, walking inside the trailer. “I just wanted to stop by and congratulate you. Welcome you into the Serpents. But it looks like the princess beat me to it.”
Rolling her eyes, she approached him. “Jughead and I are just friends, Pea. And I was just leaving.”
“At this time of night? It could be dangerous,” Jughead protested immediately, thinking of the Black Hood.
“I’ll be fine,” she disagreed, and Sweet Pea put a hand on her shoulder.
“I’ve got to agree with Jones on this one. A girl like you, dressed like that.” He shook his head. “I’ll give you a ride.”
She shrugged. “Okay.”
Both boys exchanged a look. “Okay?”
She smiled. “Beats walking.”
She walked to Jughead’s side, giving him a tight hug, as they both whispered for each other to be safe. She shut the trailer door behind her, following Sweet Pea to his bike.
“First Archie, now Jughead?” She noted, teasing him as she got behind him. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were jealous.”
He scoffed. “Jealous of what?”
“That they’re my friends and get to be in my presence and you don’t,” she joked, making him laugh.
“You’re crazy.” He shook his head.
“Maybe,” she agreed, leaning against him.
“When were you going to tell me, you were the Sheriff’s daughter?” he asked after a moment.
She hid her look of surprise. “You never asked.”
Shaking his head, he teased, “you really are crazy.”
“Who told you?” She asked.
“Toni,” he revealed. “Joaquin told us about Kevin, and you, before he left.”
“What did he say?” She asked with interest, thinking of the blue eyed boy.
“The Serpents are looking out for you guys,” Sweet Pea explained. “We’ve got your back. After tonight, I see why he extended the courtesy from Kevin to you.”
She smiled, thinking of the time they’d spent together and yearning to see him. Beyond sporadic, ‘I’m okay’ calls, she hadn’t heard from him. “I appreciate that. Send my regards.”
“So that means,” he continued. “I’ll be seeing a lot of you from now on.”
She smirked. “I look forward to it.”
“I’ve got to check in and make sure you’re safe,” he added, stopping in front of her house. “Can’t let anyone down, you know?”
“Oh, I understand,” she played along, getting off his bike. “Thank you for your generosity.”
He shrugged. “It’s what we do.”
They shared a look, smiling at each other. “Bye,” she said.
“Bye,” he replied, chuckling.
She sauntered to the front door, using her key to get in, before she took once last look at Sweet Pea. He seemed to be looking at her intently, a smile playing at his lips. She blew him a kiss before shutting the door.
As she hurried up the stairs, she couldn’t stop smiling. She burst into Kevin’s room, making him jump, and she quickly sat on the bed beside him.
“What are you getting into these days, dear sister?” He teased her, brushing blonde hair behind her ear, and she let out a happy sigh.
“Just living my best life,” she declared, falling back onto the bed while Kevin laughed.
Sweet Pea made good on his promise. Every day, he came by to visit her, always under the pretense of checking up on her. What had started as awkward talks on her back porch turned into motorcycle rides and milkshakes at Pop’s.
“I can..take my jacket off, if it bothers you,” Sweet Pea had offered, and she shook her head.
“There’s no hiding that mark on your neck,” she pointed out before adding, “keep the jacket. It suits you.”
He smiled, and she knew she’d passed the test.
As he knocked on her door, the way he’d done every afternoon for the past week, she answered with a playful smile. “Sweet Pea.”
“I was in the neighborhood, and I had a thought to come by, maybe see if you wanted to catch a movie?” He offered, trying to persuade her with his eyes.
“Are you trying to check up on me, or spend time with me?” She teased and he smirked.
“I can do both.”
“Let me get my purse,” she relented and he nodded, satisfied. She hurried up the stairs, calling Kevin’s name.
Kevin met her at the top of them, holding out her purse. “Have fun, don’t stay out too late. I’m going to need details tonight.”
“Details you will have,” she promised, hugging him before she ran down the stairs.
Kevin watched from the top of them, letting out a happy sigh. He took out his phone, pulling up a contact as he walked back to his room.
At the Bijou, Sweet Pea bought her ticket, drink and popcorn. He even let her pick the movie. Color her impressed. She thought about teasing him with a romance movie but settled on a horror film instead. At his raised brow, she said, “I think it’s more fitting, don’t you?”
He could only laugh.
During the movie, his arm slowly came around the blonde and she leaned into him. They didn’t exchange words, but her hand came to find his and he gave it a squeeze. She was enthralled the entire time, baby blue eyes wide, but his seemed to be unable to look away from her.
After the movie, they discarded their empty drink and popcorn, and she talked animatedly. “That was one of the greatest horror films of our generation!”
He chuckled. “You know, most chicks like romance and six packs, not serial killers and murder.”
“I think you have a lot to learn about women,” she replied, flipping her hair. “Take me home, Pea.”
“You got it.”
He led her to the bike, leaning against it for a moment as the blonde looked up at him.
“What is it?” She asked, and he shook his head.
“Nothing, don’t worry about it.” He got on the bike, with her getting behind him with a suspicious look on her face.
“Okay, if you’re sure.” She sounded unconvinced, with a questioning look on her face.
He drove her back to her house, anticipation growing in his chest. When his bike stopped, she got off it and stood in front of him. He remained seated, looking at her.
“I had a lot of fun tonight,” she began, suddenly feeling shy with his full attention on her.
“Enough to want to do it again?” He questioned and she smiled.
“Yeah.”
He stood up to his full height, making her have to look up at him, as he approached her. Her skin prickled with excitement as his arms came around her, tugging her close. The blonde leaned up on her tiptoes, her eyelashes fluttering shut as his lips found hers. They kissed for a minute, unabashed, before he pulled away. They both had goofy smiles on their faces.
“See you tomorrow,” he said, and she nodded.
“See you tomorrow.”
He gave her forehead a kiss this time before he got on his bike, watching her walk to her front door like he always did. She walked into the house, listening to the sound of his engine as he disappeared down the street, before she let out a sigh. Hurrying her steps, she rushed into Kevin’s room.
“So, how’d it go?” He asked, and she collapsed onto his bed once more. “That good, huh?”
“He’s dreamy,” she explained with a sigh. “And I really like him.”
“How’re you going to break the news to dad?” He asked, and she put a pillow over her head.
“We’ll worry about that some other time. Right now, I just want to be a girl with a crush who had an amazing kiss after an amazing date.”
Kevin grinned, laying down beside her. “Tell me all about it. Start from the beginning. What did he wear?”
As she recounted her date, with Kevin looking on with interest, their dad knocked on the door. He’d only just gotten home, but judging by his tired eyes it was going to be a long night.
“Hey kiddos,” he greeted them, standing in the doorway. “It’s late, you guys should get some rest.”
“We will,” they said in unison, earning a chuckle from their father. They’d always been two peas in a pod.
“I just wanted to let you both know, off the record, that Southside High is closing down,” he explained, his eyes flitting between both teenagers. “They’re going to have to go to Riverdale High until a better compromise can be met.”
They both tried to hide their surprise. “Really? So Mayor Mccoy is serious about taking down the Southside.”
“She wants to make it better,” he corrected, letting out a sigh. “Can’t say I disagree.”
Both teens were silent, processing this new information.
He continued, “anyway, I just wanted to give you two a heads up. Stay out of trouble, you hear?”
They both nodded, waiting for him to close the door and walk to his room before they exchanged a look.
“Well,” Kevin said. “Things are about to get interesting.”
Bennie Bee: Like I am a happy guy but I am not some marshmallow to be eaten or a pillow to be stomped on. (Two things Richie has compared me to by the way)
Actual Angel: Ben...I just mean I have felt more than friendship stuff with you.
Bennie Bee: What?!
Bennie Bee: You lie!!
Bennie Bee: The plot twist none of us saw coming!
Actual Angel: hahahahaha Ben!
Actual Angel: you got humiliated tonight for revealing your crush so I might as well do the same.
Bennie Bee: Like back before you and Bill were together you felt that way?
Actual Angel: um...no.
Bennie Bee: Then….I don’t understand
Bennie Bee: How…
Actual Angel: we shouldn’t be talking about this. i’m with Bill and need to be focusing on that. besides you don’t feel that way about me anymore so it’s whatever.
Bennie Bee: Beverly…
Actual Angel: No
Actual Angel: seriously, we can’t talk about this. night bennie
Bennie Bee: Alright, whatever you want. Night Beverly.
Lenore, as gentle as the wind,
As light as a feather;
I wonder where it was
The breeze delivered her.
I imagine her smile
In the morning sun, and
Her son, playing in the yard.
I smile in reminiscence
Whilst pondering
This new shore
I’ve happened upon;
Guilty, come fear,
A remorse blanketed echoes of
Gallantry.
The world would never let me go.
She knew that when we’d sprout;
The world would never let me go,
“So go,” she’d whispered.
Ambiguous loss is a loss that occurs without closure or understanding. This kind of loss leaves a person searching for answers, and thus complicates and delays the process of grieving, and often results in unresolved grief
