this is going to be really long and sappy but just deal with it ok
i miss my best friend..
..i've never really called you that before but you're the friend that i shared everything with, the friend that i wanted to do everything with, the friend that i felt like i could depend on, the friend that always put a smile on my face, the friend that kept me doubling in laughter all the time, the friend that i did such stupid shit with, the friend that made me feel fearless, the friend that i felt like could help me overcome any obstacles that came up..so basically, you're my best friend.
you and i both don't go on tumblr as often anymore and i don't know when you would see this, but i don't know any other way to tell you this because tumblr is what brought us together and closer than ever
we started talking because of tumblr, then tumblr led onto halloween, which led on to summer and summer...just too many things to write about for summer...pure bliss..nothing in the world mattered except both of us..we were inseparable.
during the chinese new year break while i was down with no wifi or laptop, i was just thinking about what happened since i moved from america and i can't remember much except that probably 90% of the stuff i thought about was how much my life turned around once i met you..
remember the days where we would spend every second we had talking..the days where we talked nonstop at school, texted on the bus, went online the second we got home and talked until we went to sleep...the days where we obsessed over the same things..the days where we felt like we literally could not go half an hour without seeing each other..like during christmas...that two week break..i missed you possibly ten times more than i missed my boyfriend at that time.
honestly i don't know why i'm typing this now, probably because here i am, sitting on the bed, thinking about life again
you're still on my mind all the time even though i should be doing some part of the work that i'm piled up in.. it's not the same for me anymore , now that your boyfriend and work has taken up such a big part of your life but i just wanted to let this out anyways
since the beginning of the year, i don't know why but i feel like we have been getting more and more distant and i hate this new and foreign gap between us..i assume it's because you have better things in life than to deal with such a terrible pessimist aka me but i also wanted to thank you for suggesting ways for me to cheer up even if they didn't exactly work how you imagine them to..but anyways, even if i am not going to be there with you forever since i'm possibly moving and never seeing you again in five monthes, i want to cherish the time we have together and i don't want to waste anymore time dealing with this painful although invisible gap between us
i'm sorry if i hurt you by getting closer with jiwoo and leaving you out of things..i didn't mean to..i didn't realize how mean my actions were but i did it because i was scared of being abandoned..i felt like you were drifting away with your newly improved self and i felt like your mind and heart and everything was occupied by only josh and ways to improve yourself...i feared being abandoned by you since now wan-ting is gone as well..
honestly, i was so surprised by that sudden burst of envy you hit me with last time. yes, i have long hair, yes i have a lot of clothes, yes i am somewhat thin, yes i have good friends in america, but yet i don't feel happy anymore and it's hard to find things that give me even that teensiest spark of joy.trust me, you have nothing to envy
in fact, i envy a lot of things about you (this would feel like a nice boost for your ego). i envy that you have older siblings that can help you with things like homework, boyfriend troubles, just things that they've gone through before, i envy that you have nice long legs, i envy that you can always motivate yourself to achieve your goals, i envy that you already have plans for the future and what you want to major in, i envy that you are a perfectionist, i envy that you have such great influential skills, i envy that you can speak with so much confidence when talking in front of others, i envy that you are always working on something, i envy your vast range of vocabulary that has you set for the SATs, i envy your adorable dimples that pop up every time you smile, i envy your very nice spankable butt hehe, and i envy your nice skin..and etc
you have brought so much fun and unforgettable memories into my life when i thought i would never be able to have fun again in china
we had so many movielike cliche moments that i love of course starting with the double door pushing as we were running away from security...feeling like regina george and being better than everyone else...then the running through sprinklers in a school field during the night.. and being two teenage girls that are happy with their boyfriends and bitching about other people...getting smashed on vodka and doing the cliche makeout before passout and wake up with hangover thing...
i don't know if it's normal to be attracted to your bestfriend of the same sex but oh well it happened hahahaha you did get me quite confused about my sexuality but it's alright i've got that figured out now..it's a funny story really, i thought i was lesbian but then once you told me you were dating josh, i was a bit angry because i realized the whole attraction thing was one-sided (that's why i gave you a twenty minute silent treatment that day LOL) but i realized i wasn't lesbian when i found out i was still attracted to guys, later on i realized i wasn't bisexual either because i didn't feel anything but envy towards other pretty girls ( it was more "damn i wish i had that" than a "damn i wish i could fuck that") so yeah i'm straight as a hard dick with a sprinkle of female friendly hahaha
to be honest, i saw this coming the moment i saw you on the first day of school
when i saw you, i knew that we were going to become good friends at some point but after part of the first year went by, i started doubting it, until we somehow started talking more and more and more...
i'm glad that things are turning out well for you...you're getting better clothes, getting more fit, your hair is growing out, you have a satisfying boyfriend, things are better with your siblings, you're putting more effort into other subjects other than english, and yeah...i'm truly happy for you!
i don't even know what the point of this long text post is...but basically the main thing i wanted to bring out was the fact that i care a lot for you and i'm here to talk to if you really are going through anything bad and even if i'm not there in either xiamen or singapore with you, there will be many ways you can still contact me! this feels like a goodbye letter even though i still have a few monthes...ah well yeah
anyways i just really miss the way things were and i'm looking forward to more great moments that would make great dinner time stories with you with the time we have left!
forever love,
alicia aka goat ♥
