For those of you following my rollercoaster of emotional conflict, loss, and embittering, I think another lesson I’m picking up is that idols don’t have to be people.
When I thought who I’ve soul-crushingly conceded is probably a pretentious hack was actually a pithy aloof surrealist with just the right level of reverence and lack of reverence for every major religion and concept to create philosophically interesting banal humor, he was my idol. I created that ideal image, though, and it’s still something I can strive to acquire the positive qualities of for myself. It’s still kind of frightening trying to model myself off of projections and extrapolations, but the important thing to remember is that an idol isn’t a destination, merely a framework.
So maybe Tatsuya Ishida is actually a weird egotist, maybe some relationship crippled who he used to be and his whole means of expression got hijacked by some maddened pursuit, and maybe he’s always sucked, rather than being someone who lost his way (no moral bonus, I find his reasoning faulty as well as his comedy now). It hurts, but it doesn’t matter. I’ll just have to be the one who possesses what I saw in him.