conflict (2)
(05) 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘯𝘦𝘤𝘵! ☆ 𝘦𝘯𝘩𝘺𝘱𝘦𝘯'𝘴 8𝘵𝘩 𝘮𝘦𝘮𝘣𝘦𝘳 𝘢𝘶
୨୧ 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘶𝘰𝘶𝘴 𝘮𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘦𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘢𝘸𝘬𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘥 𝘧𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘱𝘴, 𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘦𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘸𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘺𝘶𝘬𝘪 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘦𝘯𝘩𝘺𝘱𝘦𝘯
masterlist | read on wattpad!
tw : panic attack, mentions of anxiety
‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ ☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙
♫ i cant handle change ; roar
♫ fool ; cavetown
"it's nearly twelve. is yuki not back yet?" asked jay as he looked at his apple watch which displayed the time.
"i don't think so. her room is still dark," noted niki with a yawn. the members were slowly heading off to their room to sleep. all except jay, niki, and jake who were in the living room watching a television show.
it was the second night that yuki's presence was absent during the night. the second night starting from the day she received harsh criticism from the instructor. the seven boys weren't dumb. they knew that something in her changed. she become more closed off (if that was possible) and was practicing even harder. her passion to get better was clearly evident.
"you guys can head to bed first. i'll wait for her," hummed jake, sitting comfortably on the couch. jay and niki exchanged glances but nevertheless, they listened to the boy.
at a separate building, yuki was done running through the dance for what seemed like the fourteenth time of the night. she panted as she sat down on the floor before reaching out and drinking her water. she needed to practice even more. she needed to practice until she could be on the same level as the rest of her members.
being the only female in hybe, yuki had to train with the rest of the male trainees. as obviously they didn't have enough female trainees or staff to train yuki by herself. it would've been a waste of money too. until they had enough female trainees, they could then properly separate female and male trainees. throughout her trainee years, yuki found it hard to dance the way the males did. having different anatomies, the way she would dance would differ from them. but that's what made her stand out. she could dance with more grace than they ever could.
yuki felt like she was in the dark during her trainee years. being the only female from her male trainees, it was harder for her to fit in with the crowd. she did of course occasionally had a few friends here and there but the feeling of isolation still remained there. that's why she questioned her existence at the hybe label for years. she wanted to move to a different agency but somehow, she was always drawn back to stay at hybe. there was just...something about hybe that made her want to stay.
but now, she would be debuting as the only female in a male group. she couldn't believe the news when si hyuk first told her about it. it was a crazy idea.but, yuki couldn't give up the opportunity to debut when it was given to her.
shaking off her thoughts yuki stood up from her spot and gathered her things.
yuki arrived at her dorm, quietly unlocking the door and taking out her sneakers, and laying them neatly on the floor. the dorm was dark and just like always, she knew that her members were asleep. however to her surprise, she saw a brown-haired male laying on the couch with the television turned on to its lowest volume.
she quietly walked over to him, perplexed that he was deep asleep. he was sleeping peacefully, a hand on his chest holding onto the television remote. the female gently removed his grasp on the remote and turned off the television. knowing she was too weak to carry him back into his room she sighed before entering her room to grab something.
she placed the blanket over his body, ensuring that he wouldn't be cold when he was asleep. she whispered a good night to him before heading over to her own room.
for the next few nights, it was a norm for yuki to see jake sleeping on the couch. she always wondered why he was sleeping on the couch instead of in the room, where it was much more comfortable.
that night yuki entered the dorm expecting jake to be asleep once again, however, to her surprise, he was awake (barely), nearly dozing off on the couch with his head bent in an awkward position. yuki had to stifle her laughter.
she walked over to jake, shaking his shoulder gently which made him wake up from his near slumber.
"oh um what yeah hi," he mumbled, rubbing his lids with his hands.
"jake, shouldn't you be sleeping in your room?" questioned yuki quietly.
"well uh i've been kind of waiting for you to come back from training for the past few nights but i always fell asleep," jake sheepishly admitted, making yuki taken aback. there was a ghost of a smile on her pink lips.
"thank you for waiting for me," she thanked the male, taking a seat beside him on the plump couch. she let out a small sigh of relief at the feeling.
"it's no problem. but you should stop coming back from practice so late," yawned jake, his eyelids growing heavy and his vision blurring. yuki didn't say anything in return, staring at her lap.
yuki felt a weight on her shoulder, startling her from her busy thoughts. she felt his soft brown hair poking her neck, his breath slow and steady.
"jake?" she whispered. but to no avail did he respond. he was dead asleep.
"good night," with a yawn yuki found herself falling asleep, her own head unconsciously resting on top of his.
"once again everyone, the group dynamics, and energy... why has it not improved since last week?" questioned the instructor, disappointment lacing into his words. the room went silent. the sound of a pin drop could be heard.
"yuki has improved her dancing but what's the point of individual improvement if your group synchronization and dynamics won't?" the instructor rubbed his forehead, "individually, you all are great dancers but as a group, it's very awkward and incomplete."
before the instructor left the room he looked at the males, "whatever situation you have with yuki, fix it." with that, he left.
a bit after he had left, yuki walked through the corridors, returning from the water fountain. she rubbed her sweaty palms against her shorts, about to reach for the doorknob until she heard the conversation going on inside the practice room.
"don't you think yuki is greatly affecting our group dynamics and synchronization?" she identified the voice as jungwon, their leader.
"well...she does dance a bit differently than us but i think it's alright," sunghoon responded to his question.
"yeah, she's been practicing really hard over the past few days," acknowledged niki.
"but no matter how much she practices- or even us, we'll still perform 'awkwardly' and 'incomplete'," heeseung paused, "i think it's because our friendship with yuki hasn't progressed at all,"
there were noises of agreement from everyone.
"like jake mentioned before, she has the opportunity to drop out of the group anytime soon but why hasn't she?" queried jungwon out loud. jay and jake exchanged glances. at his statement, yuki was taken aback, dropping her water bottle onto the ground. the loud noise made all the boys turn their heads towards the door where the said female was standing.
"yuki-" gasped jake.
"i'm sorry for making so many mistakes and being so awkward with you all. i'm so sorry that i-"
jungwon harshly cut off her words, "stop apologizing yuki. if our debut doesn't go smoothly, you should really consider dropping out of the group. you won't be forgiven easily if you mess things up,"
yuki opened her mouth to speak but closed it tightly. for a moment there, jungwon felt guilty as he watched yuki's expression change. the sound of the air con was pronounced in the silence of the room. no one in the room moved and not a sound from any of them was made.
"actually i was considering dropping out anyways," she lied. her voice was soft, almost fragile as if she would cry at any minute. feeling like she would break down any second, she hurriedly grabbed her bag inside the dance studio, ignoring jake and jay who were calling her name. she exited a room without a second glance at them, already feeling a tear escaping from her eye.
"jungwon, i think you went too far."
it was already turning dark. yuki didn't know how long she had been roaming around the hybe building and to her surprise, it was a lot bigger than she thought it was. she didn't know where she was going nor did she have a plan. she just needed to be away from them and alone. she found herself at the rooftop of the building. yuki sat against the wall, knees curled up against her chest, brown eyes gazing at the sky.
the night was deep. the silvery moon contrasted against the dark blue night sky with shimmering sparkling dots of light twinkling to say hello to the girl. sounds of loud chatters and music from restaurants could be heard. the night wind breezed against the girl, tousling strands of her blonde hair.
she leaned her head against the wall as she recalled the events that happened.
'you should really consider dropping out of the group.'
jungwon's words that kept repeating in her head had stung her deeply.
there was truth to what the instructor and her fellow members had said. as a group, they were awkward. yuki blamed herself largely for the reason why her friendship with her members was growing slowly. it had been a month since they met and their friendship had not progressed at all. perhaps it was because yuki thought to herself that she knew she would never be able to fit in with them. she often imagined what it would be like if they debuted without her. it would've been perfect.
yuki hated herself for not trying harder to befriend them. but for her it was hard. especially since they all seemed so well off without her, resulting in her sitting out in conversations and only nodding or saying a few words at a time. she felt like she could never fit in. and she wished so hard that she could do so.
but sometimes, no matter how much effort you put into something, it won't turn out the way you want it to be.
yuki had never felt so alone ever since the middle of her trainee years. with having to live further from her family, losing contact with her close friends, and practically not having a lot of friends in hybe and distancing from her closest friends who were in hybe, she was alone. she hated feeling so lonely. and as time went on, her loneliness felt more like solitude.
there were nights when yuki drowned herself in thoughts that kept her awake. nights where her loneliness would take hold of her. all she could do in those dark hours was cry. plead for someone to take away her loneliness. with every moment of isolation, her anxiety deepened. it threatened to swallow her whole. but with frequent visits to psychologists and anxiety pills, it made it a bit easier for her to live her life.
yuki didn't know when she started crying.
a flood of salty tears gushed down her milky cheeks. she wiped her eyes but they kept falling down anyways. realizing that she wouldn't stop crying, yuki let herself cry.
her heart was heavy with dread, shame, loneliness, and sadness. her tears fell onto her knees, rolling down her skin as they continued to fall like the rain. a sob escaped from her trembling lips. there was a tightening around her throat and it felt like it was harder to breathe.
she recognized this feeling all too well.
her chest started heaving up and down faster than it did before and it was harder for her to think. sobs escaped her lips one after the other and it felt like the whole neighborhood could hear her crying. in the midst of her panic attack, she could hardly hear the sound of the door pushing open, alongside her name being called by someone.
"yuki? yuki!" the male sprinted to her figure, kneeling down in front of her. he peeled her fingers off her face, revealing her slightly swollen eyes and her tear-stained cheek. his heart cracked at the sight of her crying. he hated seeing her in this state. in her weak and fragile state. without a second thought, he brought her into his embrace. one of his hands was on her head while the other was on the small of her back, rubbing it up and down in an attempt to calm her.
"im here now yuki. you're not alone," he spoke with such gentleness to her as if she were a child, "remember your breathing exercises. breathe with me yuki."
with the familiarity of his voice, yuki knew who it was. she followed his breathing as steady as she could. her once loud sobs had quietly died down to quiet whimpers and the tears that escaped from her eyes took a pause. his slim fingers brushed her hair. once he could feel that her breath was steady he slowly moved himself away from the female.
"yuki, tell me what's wrong," he asked with worry glazing in his eyes.
"i...feel so alone," her voice was still cracked and in her throat, "i told them i would drop out of enhypen," she could feel the tears in her eyes gather once again, threatening to drop.
"tell me what happened. truthfully,"
and so, yuki did. she told him about how she felt so alone during her trainee years, how she felt like she was an outcast amongst them, their awkward friendship, and how she felt like she wasn't good enough to debut with them. and while she did, he listened itently, rubbing circles on her palm.
"im so sorry you had to go through that yuki. no one deserves to feel like an outcast. i know you tried your hardest. your efforts were not wasted," he rolled his sweater past his elbows, doing a threatening pose, "should i go to your dorms and teach them a lesson?"
this earned an airy chuckle from yuki, "don't. i don't think it would be very sunbae of you to do so,"
the male rolled down his sleeve, his head turning to face yuki. he stared at her with earnestness and sincerity, "yuki, you're a great trainee and an even greater person. you're so talented. so fucking talented. imagine being the only female trainee in hybe. you're a fucking legend yuki! you're so good at singing, dancing, and rapping. heck, you could even take my spot in my group if si hyuk-nim allows it. i wish you could see how talented you are. i know it's hard to befriend people. boys specifically. but as long as they don't put in their efforts, both parties won't go anywhere. i don't want you to give up. but if it's hurting you this much, as a friend, i don't want you to go on with them."
yuki felt like crying for the third time of the day. she was moved by his sincerity. she knew that he was the type of person who would never fail to comfort her. but if it wasn't for the way he was staring at her and holding her hand and how fast her heart was racing, she definitely would've cried. without a word, she wrapped her arms around his body, pulling him into a hug.
"i can't thank you enough beomgyu."
"you don't need to thank me stupid. i'd do this for you any day," he snorted, patting the top of her head.
"how did you find me anyway?" the two broke their shared embrace.
beomgyu tapped his chin, "psychic powers?" yuki squinted her eyes at him, "okay fine i happened to see you run to the staircase and god you're a fast runner. you might as well train to become the second usain bolt instead,"
a laugh escaped yuki's lips. her laugh was one of beomgyu's favorite things about her. even when she would mock him, her laughter was full of warmth and life. he found himself smiling, glad that he was able to make her laugh.
"oh god...where do i go for the night? i can't face them after all that. has happened," yuki's laughter died down, realizing that she really had nowhere to go for the night.
"well...our dorms are always free,"
