Hi, I know you’re not a therapist or anything so you can absolutely ignore this but idk where else to put it… I feel like you are somebody who would understand.
I’m a young woman who found out about Gen January last year. I have never, ever felt more connected with a person. I can’t even listen to their music without feeling physically ill, when I look at a photograph of them it’s like looking at an old lover who’s died (I apologise if I’m using wrong pronouns by the way I’m just not sure which to use so I usually use they)
It was okayish, just an admiration until I had a manic episode (I’m bipolar) and subsequent depressive episode where I became convinced they were literally living in my body. Like I could feel their presence 24/7, everything I did was to do with them, I couldn’t read anything that wasn’t read by or related to Gen in some way. I couldn’t even look in the mirror because I would see Jackie. I became so jealous of her I couldn’t listen to any of Gen’s music past 1990 because the specific way that they loved with pandrogyny was everything I had ever wanted - Genesis was everything I had ever wanted. Genesis was the love of my life I thought.
It felt like all the confusing feelings and emotions and authors I have liked and poets and painters I’ve admired and just EVERYTHING was shared by them when I never even knew it. The more I learnt the more I felt connected. I couldn’t sleep at night because all I could do was just think about Genesis, and Neil, and all the versions of who they were in their lifetime. It felt like being reborn in a way… I felt like a prophet for them. I’ve never related to anybody more in my entire life. It’s like I found my twin flame but I know so many other people think that about Genesis as well. But I can’t explain it, this just feels different.
It subsided a bit when I got a boyfriend but Genesis is always in the back of my mind even now. Even after being medicated, I still feel like we are connected somehow and I feel this sorrow for them almost 24/7. It feels like I have lost a child. Like some sort of grief. I’m not the best at putting my thoughts into words, but I just can’t handle this. I love Genesis so, so much. More than I can write down or explain. I get this stomachache when I think about their life and how beautiful they were.
Do you have any advice or any helpful words? I’m really struggling. I feel so crazy. Sorry that this is so out of the blue. Sending love! ❤️
this message is extremely touching—and you shouldn’t feel ashamed by the intensity of your emotions toward Gen! however, i’m glad to hear medication helped to some degree, as these situations can prove to be very exhausting.
regarding Gen—as last i knew ‘they’ sufficiently addressed the Pandrogyne—they certainly had an incalculable influence on countless many during their lifespan on this realm. speaking for myself, i’ve worn a psychick cross pendant for years, along with it having been my first tattoo. Thee Temple Ov Psychick Youth was/is yet another brilliant idea of Gen’s… but, as we know, Gen disbanded from the concept upon feeling that it had shifted into somewhat of a religious cult. its intention was always to be an influence for artistic expression and self-empowerment—sort of an evolution from COUM Transmissions—but nothing beyond those basic principles alone.
fast-forwarding to more current times, i felt it to be such a privilege that they utilized contemporary media (notably Instagram) to remain virtually connected and provide further documentation. in one of their conversations with Carl Abrahamsson, i recall them accurately predicting the potential significance of technology, and what it could/would become. [i highly recommend obtaining a copy of this book: Sacred Intent.]
when Gen eventually did transcend beyond their mortal vessel, i recall this same feeling as you’ve noted… somewhat of a ‘unity’ between them & self. unselfishly, it was a relief to know they no longer had to suffer from ongoing cancer. but, beyond that, there was purely this feeling of their presence still being here… perhaps a universal feeling which then manifested into S/he Is (Still) Her/e.
the only advice i could provide given the circumstances are essentially the root of what you’ve already been doing: learning about, discussing, and manifesting the lessons & artistic creations they provided to the universe. if you’re an avid lover of music, do recall the role they played in pioneering both the Industrial and Acid House genres. if Gen desires anything from you, it’d likely be at the core of their teachings in TOPY, which was recognizing and seizing your unlocked potential as a Human Be-ing. forgive yourself for your behavior in the matter; then continue to be influenced by the infinite wisdom of their words and actions.
