#crisspy

[thingsgirlswants]

[unemployedsidenigga]

#ChroniclesOfAnUnemployedSideNigga Ep.5

Now a nigga confused as fuck, I know this nigga Crisspy, but I never thought that he would haunt my life. Don’t get it wrong or twisted, we ain’t never friends, I just know nigga. (if you are really lost right now, please ask any pretty looking girl on twitter who Crisspy is. If he’s not her boyfriend, he macked.)

So I decide I’ll deal with this like a man and not over the phone. Now R grumpy as fuck and is hacked over this situation. We chill for a few and she wants to go take a bath and a nigga ready to go home, she switches on her geyser and at that point realizes that she has no electricity left, and the boy is just chilling drinking coffee. She asks me for electricity. The ANC had provideth and I say let’s go get it. So we exit the building to go buy it. Get to SPAR and I purchase around R100 worth of electricity, and back. Now I’m glad she didn’t ask for anything else because even though the ANC had provided, her asking was getting too much and I was still tense over last nights situation.(the dancing for MK veteran old fathers)

At this point I had decided I can’t date this girl, because she has far too much baggage and shitty of a lifestyle if that’s how she lives, because I know I can’t pay for her fees, I’d just have to be the unemployed side nigga.

As we chill along the day, I had decided I’ll leave in the afternoon, and we start chatting about her lifestyle, seems like everything I say is just null and void because she don’t sound convincing, and I keep mentioning that the RnB partnership is not good for her, she concurs, but its that concurring just so a nigga can shut up. Immediately B walks into the house, loud as fuck as usual, looking for a lighter, walks into the room “HEH BATHONG You still here?” now her voice is starting to get very loud and annoying as I’m trying to solve issues in silence. She’s all over the house for like an hour or so, as I nap. I’m a light sleeper, so I hear things. And she peeks into the room to confirm I’m sleeping, and they start discussing last night’s drama as B would assume that no nigga would take such shit, but R confirms she handled it like a Pro and I’m still sleeping in her bed aren’t I. You can hear B’s laugh as I turn slightly to scare them, they keep silent nyana and start discussing other things. B leaves.

Now R steps back into the room and wants to cuddle, with a sleeping nigga. She joins me, and we go back to chatting. Now remember I was glad she ain’t ask me for anything today, but I was punking myself. She steps into the bathroom for a young minute as she brushes her weave which has been falling over the show like its 6 months old. So all over the show that when I visit the bathroom some of it is even dangling on my underwear. (assume what you want). She comes back in the room, angry, swearing at her weave, “AKGA MAAN this hair is shit now! I need to get it out” and says to me:

“Solly maan! You have money, please buy me a weave! A Brazilian in Braam, its only like R2800. Look at my hair! AKGA!”

At this point, my stomach turns and grumbles, “You have money!”, I’m thinking this girl is joking. After I found her dancing on tables for old men, she doesn’t give me 24 hours to heal. Besides me finding her on tables, I’ve know this girl for less than two weeks, and she just asked me for a weave. I pause, and giggle like it’s a joke, the look in her eyes say it isn’t. She’s actually serious; she just asked an unemployed nigga for a Brazilian weave, a week after our meet. Now let’s vent in CAPS:

*JUST BECAUSE THE ANC HAD PROVIDED THAT WEEKEND, AND I HAVE BEEN BUYING WHEN YOU ASKING, IT DOES NOT MEAN A NIGGA WILL ALWAYS BUY! IF SHE ASKING A NIGGA FOR A WEAVE WITHIN A WEEK OF US MEETING, MOES I HAVE TO BUY HER A YARIS FOR HER BIRTHDAY!! WHAT THE HELL?!!*

I’m laughing to myself at this point because this girl is serious. But I think I have myself to blame, because at this point I realize I’ve been a Yes-Man, but what is a nigga to do when you’re still tryna get it? So I lie, and say I’ll see what I can do. Now R must be convinced that I’m a very rich cheeseboy, or I deal in tenders, because she has never seen me go to work.

It starts getting buck, as she opens her wardrobe, her pumps and R99 Mr Price kitten heels and wedges start falling over the show as she sits in frustration and says I should buy her boxes, because her life is a mess now, her weave is messed up, shoes are all over the show. I’m thinking what the fuck, those are 1st world problems b*&%h, kids are hungry out there. And I agree to buying her boxes for her shoes as well. (Mind you I’m agreeing because I give a fuck less at this point). She eventually decides she’s gonna order a pizza. I’m praying I don’t have to pay for this as well as she orders the last number triple decker, a sub, and another 2lt, now there must be 3 2ltr’s and 10 take away boxes in her fridge. R The Food Collector. The food arrives and she actually pays for it. Now let’s recap.

I bought electricity, she buys herself food. The Fuck is going on? What’s this girls survival technique? I thought this honey was broke in the morning, but now she has money, seems like I’m not the only person the ANC has provided for this weekend. She says her mother sent her pocket money as she pays in cash. PAY IN CASH? When did she go to the ATM? Haai I shake my head la!

I eat, and decide I’m gonna leave. Ask her what her plans are, she says none, I double check as usual, and she insists she has none. I leave. I get home tired from my sins and I sit and recap, BDB stunts, Crisspy, Weave, Boxes, Paying for Pizza, haai I had a hectic Sunday and I nap. I wake up around 7pm and we chat on bbm, she says she’s chilling at home, RnB vibes as usual. We chat away. I decide to call, she answers and there are voices in the background, hao I thought this girl was doing nothing tonight, I mean it’s a Monday after all, but not RnB, she says they are out for supper with B’s boyfriend and can’t talk as it’s a rude thing to do when in people’s company, I’m thinking this girl must be joking, she’s been out the whole weekend and now Monday as well, with “B’s Boyfriend”, a story I clearly don’t believe because I’m not a kid. I say a short prayer because I know my sins for all the bullshit I’ve done to girls in my past is now haunting me.

I’m not impressed as we chat away, and she says they going home soon. I say I’m gonna sleep, she sends me a voice note:

“Again, I’m sorry about what you had to witness last night, I really like you and I don’t ever want to put you through that again. I hope you sleep tight and dream about me. Oh, please don’t forget about the boxes and think about the weave. Goodnight! I love you.” *Silence*

***CREDITS***

End of Episode 5.

NB: Crisspy is an urban legend, who is known for macking on any living object that possesses a vagina in between two fully functional legs. Fear him.

[unemployedsidenigga]

#ChroniclesOfAnUnemployedSideNigga Ep.4

So here I am, thinking, I shouldn’t have called this girl at 4am, because after confirming with me her plans to stay indoors, she clearly went out to somewhere like Hush, because they play Nigerian music all night and stuff. But why am I fussing, she ain’t even my girl yet, so I say fuck it, it’s her life, and at that point I was already giving up, so I drive home and go sleep, alone, yes. Now to my surprise I wake up with around 7 of her missed calls and BBm PINGS and messages trying to explain what happened. No guy would ever say they believe the story or actually consider listening to her, but the truth is nigga’s listen and mope like I did then, as much as I knew most of it was bullshit, my pride wouldn’t let me go, because I hadn’t touched her yet(Touch meaning we hadn’t slept together yet). So I listen to her story about her friends convincing her to go out way after I left, and immediately I thought *Oh SHIT RnB are up to no good*. She asks me to come her place on Saturday, but I had plans so I said I can’t, she said Sunday and I said maybe. Now you can see a nigga is acting fresh because this girl seems to be chasing me. Saturday goes by with just chats and calls as I make the most of my day without thinking and having chest pain about this girl lying to me(Yes, she ain’t my girlfriend yet). Sunday arrives and I do the usual, church, lunch with the family, then the plan was Joburg for ALS later that night, so I decide to head to R’s place before ALS and all. I get to her place, chill out, in the company of RnB and some other of her friends, and since I know some people that live in her apartments, I walk out to go greet some of my boys. I see the homies and they ask me what I’m doing in their regions and I tell them confidently who I’m here to see, but their replies weren’t so warm, one of those “Oh you’re here to see R, ayt”. By now I’m like hmmm, such cold responses? I’d expect Shout outs from homies for being in one of the freshest honey’s place, but nah t’was as cold as an Akhona love-making scene. So my confidence runs dry as we continue chats. I go see another honey I knew in the block, and instead of crushing my confidence, she just outright murdered it, slayed it, stabbed it 10 times, by laughing in my face and asking me if I know what I’m doing, and with Oscar’s confidence I said “Yeah, why not?” Now as I walk back to her place, I’m crushed thinking what the fuck am I getting myself into? No one has nice opinions about this girl although they didn’t want to tell me why. I arrive at her place and she’s getting ready to go somewhere, *Heh Majita!!!* I had come to visit but this girl has other plans, I ask where to, she says B’s friend invited them for drinks. I call out B to the side on some like “Hao, why you wanna sell my muntu?” her reply was simple, “Who is selling who? Shame”. I’m crushed as I’m thinking fuck this shit, allow her to get ready, as she looks like she doesn’t have any intention to change her mind. *EH YO! I’m still tossing game, and there was no way I’m leaving this girl before touching!!!* I mize, then they leave, I continue my night by passing by my boy’s place, then off to ALS. Now from here the story becomes outright dirty. I’m dancing my night away chatting with the boys, now I’m telling the homies who’s bed I’m trying to sleep in, no one has confidence in my actions, like I wish I never mentioned hey, eisaan, I didn’t say dating, I said trying to bed. I’m chilled in and around the club and not on my phone because it was charging in the Icon office. So I go get it, walk out the office slowly as I read my received BBm’s and one from R reading “I’m on my way to ALS” which I received at like 12:19am. I’m thinking hmmm with who at this time. So I walk out the office, slowly thinking she must be here, I’ll spot her soon, and as I turn my head, there she was, dancing, on a table, around men, old men, I’m talking ANC MK Veteran Old. I pause as I watch her strut her body loosely like she had no backbone, with her 18 inch weave just waving all over the show as she whips her head back and forth. I’m stunned, in awe, emotional, broken apart, as I think: I’M IN LIKE WITH A BOTTLE DANCING B*%$H!!!!!!!!! She sees me, this shameless little dirty girl, jumps off the table, walks out slowly, comes to me, holds my hand and says: “I can explain, can we talk outside!” stupid me, I listen, we walk out to my car, we get in, and she’s tipsy, horny tipsy. She wants to kiss me, I refuse, I vent out as I’m on the verge of strangling this bint, I don’t, I ask her what the fuck is going on and what is she doing, she say’s it B’s fault(typical, blame the friend). I’m angry, fuming, tell her to get the fuck outta my car, I’m ready to go home, she begs me not to go, says she really likes me but she had to do this, (Now here is where my story relates to this week’s episode of Intersexions) her reasoning: “Solly, I come from a poor family, and my mother is the only source of income, I go to an expensive school and somehow have to assist her with funds, I’m only hanging out with those guys because one of them offered to pay my fees, but I swear I’m not sleeping with them” As R pleads, I just giggle away, I haven’t been in the game long enough to have heard such bullshit stories. She still tries to kiss me, as I’m about to say no, I’m thinking, this girl is tipsy, rather I dip in, go back to her place, get it, then I’m out. I kiss her. Tell her if she’s serious then she should go get her shit so we leave and go back to her place, she concurs, says she’ll be back while still apologizing. Now I’m sitting in the car, mad as hell as I wait, and it hits me: *This girl actually flippen likes things and I’m just an unemployed nigga tryna get’it. I can either, turn this girl into a proper girl, or sit around and be a side nigga to whomever is funding her lifestyle* Now I wouldn’t be telling this story if I wasn’t the unemployed side nigga I decided to become right. So she walks out, but she’s not alone, RnB!!!! And you can see B is not happy about leaving the club without the free champagne that those Old men with sugar diabetes were buying. Now it’s silent in the car as we drive off, R takes my phone and starts taking pictures in the car, they excited now, she brushes my head, I didn’t buy anything tonight luckily. We get to her place, now any person would know at that point that they need to go do their own shit, because a nigga tryna get it ya bish, but not B, she walks with us to R’s place, in my head I’m telling her to disappear YO! She doesn’t. we get to the house and she opens the fridge, there’s more takeaway boxes, clearly from yesterday or earlier today. I’m thinking this girl must go, because I’m trying to get laid, nope, she walks straight to the bedroom, hops on the bed and shouts: “I’m gonna sleep here, you guys don’t mind me”, now is the point I vent in CAPS: “HOW THE FUCK YOU GONNA COME BACK FROM THE CLUB WITH A COUPLE THAT CLEARLY WANTS TO GET IT ON, WALK WITH THEM TO YOUR FRIENDS ROOM, THEN HOP ONTO THE BED LIKE YOU EXPECT US TO BAPS IN THE LOUNGE BECAUSE YOU DO NOT WANT TO GO TO YOUR PLACE. WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!!!!” I look at R awkwardly, she says lets go sleep, I’m thinking, WHERE? *as she walks into her room*. I’m dragging myself there wondering how the fuck we gonna do this with the friend sleeping on the same bed, she changes in front of me, maybe that was a plan to get the boy excited, and vele he gets excited. She gets into bed, pushes B to the side ka’ncane to make space for me, I get in, switch the light off, and let’s just say I’m hoping her friend was really passed out hehehe*. Wake up in the morning, her friend is not in the room, I’m thinking morning glory, I get it. We mize. We still lying in bed as her phone starts being busy, and I see this girl is very uneasy, my thought is whoever she ditched last night at the club isn’t very impressed as I go make coffee. She gets dressed, walks out the room, finds me watching tv, looks at me and says some guy has been threatening her asking if she’s dating me and stuff, she once sent this guy some nudes so she’s scared he’ll release them, can I help her sort this guy out, and since I know buff nigga’s I’m like ayt kool, before having asked who this is. Now I’m curious, I ask who this guy is, and her reply: “Do you know Crisspy?” ***CREDITS*** End of Episode 4. NB: Bottle Dancing B*&%h, in short, BDB is a girl that arrives at the club with just coins in her bag, with the sole purpose of dancing the whole night for free Vodka and Cranberry. Note: Episode 5 will only be posted on Monday 1st April 2013