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Ignore the naysayers!

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Keep Moving Forward!

To resolve is to make “a firm decision to do or not to do something.”  This time of year, New Year resolutions will be spoken of ad nauseam.  And let’s face it people aren’t all that creative.  A lot people are going to join a gym that they will not see more than 6 times the entire year.  (Three times the first week of January and 3 more times in June when they realize summer is coming.)  People will attempt to give up pop (soda if you’re not from WNY), stop snacking at night, start packing their lunch, and make a budget and any number of unoriginal things.  The reality is that all of these resolutions have one thing in common…you have to work for it. It’s not easy. It’s not comfortable and it usually involves a bit of restraint. 

Resolutions happen January 1st, and for whatever reason we as a society feel the need to wait until the next January to make a new resolution or for some of us make the same resolution again.  I feel like I made my resolution to leave my “lazy” lifestyle behind in June.  I didn’t need a new year, a new month or even a new week.  I just knew I had to get started.  I knew it would be uncomfortable, even painful at times.  It’s worth it. Everything about this journey has been some sort of difficult.  I still have a long way to go and I am going to have to dig deep on occasion. 

If you plan on making resolutions this New Year I applaud you.  Recognizing the need for change is a big deal.  But what would happen if instead of making a resolution we just took initiative?  We take back our power and take the opportunity to act on our own behalf throughout the year.  Each time we recognize a behavior that is not beneficial we stop and take our power back and act on it. We make the necessary adjustments and we keep moving forward.  Often times, we are doing the Cha-Cha of life and taking two steps forward and one step back and that’s okay.  We just have to keep moving forward. 

I’ll be here on this long and winding journey. I don’t really know what 2014 looks like yet.  All I know is that I will be stronger and more fit in 2014.  I will take a deep breath when it gets difficult.  I may cry through a WOD or two but I will finish!

Stay strong and Happy New Year!

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Nothing Nice

I’ve been a very bad blogger.  I just haven’t been able to force myself to put words down. You know that old adage that if you don’t have anything nice to say you should STFU...or something like that.  I haven’t had much nice to say so I’ve just been trying to work through it. Don’t worry, I’m still doing CrossFit five times a week, I’m just struggling with myself.  Sometimes I get sick of hearing myself whine about stuff so I need to take a step back. 

I need to remind myself of the facts every now and then.  The fact is 5 ½ months ago I wouldn’t have bothered to get off of the couch.  I couldn’t walk up the 3 flights of stairs to my apartment without breathing heavily for 5 minutes to recover. Eating pizza 5 days a week wouldn’t have been a second thought. I resigned myself to a life with painful knees, back and feet. I couldn’t wait to see my couch after work and stayed there until bed time. Change was something I thought about daily but never ventured to actually do anything about it.

However, when there’s so much more to do it can be overwhelming for my brain.  It kind of freaks me out and my brain gets fried and I have to reboot.  Sometimes even after a reboot I still have a virus or two to contend with.  Warring with oneself is exhausting. I’m working on it.

I am proud of the changes I’ve made thus far. Even more than that, I’m proud of all the people at the box that are making huge strides.  Every one is PR’ing left and right. I see the hard work.  I see the frustration but I also see the determination. I’m so proud of one particular gentleman who comes 3 times a week and he gives everything he’s got. He’s kind and encouraging. He’s determined and he’s succeeding.  I’m privileged to get to see him evolve. Watching people achieve is one of the greatest perks of the CrossFit community. I love CrossFit but mostly I love the people I get to CrossFit with.

So here’s to love, kind people and CrossFit!

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Lift. Drop. Repeat.

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Raise the bar!

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The scale

I can’t see the numbers anymore through my tears. I can’t see the soul crushing numbers that seem to define me. The despair of it is taking root in my heart and I don’t know if I’ll recover this time. It’s too much. There’s too much expectation. There’s too much pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. My heart thunders in my chest and my breathing quickens. The tears try and cleanse my eyes of the number but it’s no use. The number will never leave me. After all, it defines me, doesn’t it? My self-worth is entwined with those numbers. It’s me. The number is me. It’s who I am. It’s who I want to be. It’s who I was. It’s all of my hopes and dreams and desires. It’s everything. I’m sure I’m not the only one who has this kind of relationship with the number on the scale. It is heart wrenching and horrific and self-inflicted. I’m ashamed to say that I put a lot of value, my value, in the numbers that are reflected back to me. Those numbers hold so much hope and yet so much despair. It’s not right. It’s probably not normal but I know I’m not alone in this. I don’t want to feel this way. In fact, I wish I could annihilate these feelings I have. I wish it was simple. So many people I’ve spoken with think it’s simple. Just choose. Just make the decision to eat well. Just choose not to think there is any value in the number on the scale. Just work out. Just do it. Just wave your magic wand and it will all go away. Sounds simple, right? I wish I had the words to describe the gnashing of teeth and white knuckling that goes into trying to not let the scale win. The strength and courage that it takes for anyone to change their lives is monumental. Change is tough and it’s scary. And more than anything it sucks. No one seems to want to say that changing sucks. It does. It’s downright awful. There are so many things to contend with. There’s guilt, hunger, pain, and deprivation. That’s only a few of the choking emotions that hover waiting to strike in a weak moment. There’s the well-meaning people who love you and want to encourage you. There’s the expectation that this time you’ll succeed. There’s the hope that the number changing will somehow change all of the other hard parts of life. It doesn’t. Life is still life and people are still people. I don’t know much but I do know what it’s like to hurt because of the number on the scale. I’m struggling with it right now. It won’t budge. It just doesn’t move. It taunts me. “Ha-ha! You did well this week but I’m not moving for you!” Well, scale I have one thing to say….”Fuck off! You don’t own me! You are not everything.” I won’t let those numbers define me anymore. I won’t let people tell me that weight loss is just choosing well and that it doesn’t suck. Of course, losing the weight is phenomenal. However, I have a knack for discounting all the work that has been done in favor of looking all that is left to be done. So, while I continue this hard journey I am going to remind myself that the scale doesn’t know my worth. It’s a number. It’s a number that doesn’t tell anything about who I am. And I am not a number. Some of you may understand how I feel. If you do, join me in telling the scale to “Fuck off!” Sorry for the language but no other word quite fit the way I felt.

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Deadlifts

I kind of enjoy deadlifts. When it comes to strength related things I tend to have an easier time. Plus, it's fun. Yesterday as our strength for the day we did our deadlift max. I've been looking forward to it. It's been quite a while since the last time we did it and I hit 215#. Yesterday I PR'd at 240#. I was pretty happy. I may have gone for a bit more if we had more time. Can't wait until next time. The WOD: 50 KBS @35# 50 push-ups 50 burpees As much as the WOD sucked it was far less brutal than what could have been. The WOD changed a bit for our class because it was pretty large. I finished in 14:23. I was pretty proud of some if the new folks who carried on until they finished. Just a few months ago it would have been me working to the time cap. I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.

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FRAN

I'm not sure what happened to Fran that made her so pissed off at all of us. Maybe she made a pass at Rich Froning and he was all "Sorry, Hillary is all need." Or maybe she tried on her compression pants and she couldn't fit her ass in them. Or maybe she's only eaten salad for the last 6 months and she's just hangry. I'm not sure what it is but someone needs to intervene.

Today's WOD: 

Fran

21-15-9

Thrusters

Pull Ups

I RX'd the weight at 65# but had to do ring rows. Sixty five pounds sucked. This is the second time I've done Fran.  The first time was 6/26/13 about 3 weeks into this crazy journey. I used the 45# barbell and did ring rows and finished in 10:18.  Today I finished in 9:45 using 20 lbs more in weight. I'm feeling pretty good about that progress. 

It was rough. Once again I survived.  My CF BF Steph did 65# and she did assisted pull ups with a band. She rocked it. So proud. She pushes me to do better...even if she doesn't know it. 

I'm hoping tomorrow I'll be able to move. I'm spent and ready for bed. Maybe some could get Fran a snack...that bitch needs an attitude adjustment!