"I never meant to hurt you" calum (-:
You stood alone at the raised table, fingers clutched tightly around the large glass of wine you’d gotten from the bar a few moments prior, eyes flitting from person to person as you watched them dance. It was your auntie’s 50th birthday and much like yourself she took any excuse to party. However you weren’t much in the party mood. It seemed as if everyone here was coupled up, even your parents were living it up on the dance floor as you stayed on the outskirts, making do with keeping yourself company with several glasses of rosé.
“If I didn’t know any better I’d say you were avoiding me.” You recognised the voice without even having to turn around, the signature tones of it etched into your memory forever. Turning slightly, your lips stretched into a smile at the sight of him, the boyish charm still ever present in his features.
“Calum.” Your eyebrows rose in surprise that he was actually there in the flesh. His family with friends with yours, finding yourselves at the same parties and dinners throughout the years. Both being similar ages and about the only young ones at such events you had gravitated towards each other when you were kids, situating yourselves at the far end of the table from the adults as you giggled and joked over whatever kids do, having your own fun. This tradition carried on straight throughout most of your life. His family lived on the other side of town, not too far a stretch but still you found yourselves waiting only for the inevitable birthday or anniversary celebration to bring you both back together. As you’d both grown older, maturing into young adults and with the aid of the odd alcoholic drink sneaked to you by family members, you began to appreciate him as more than just the kid you hung out with at family gatherings. Your heart sped up a little faster at the sight of him, his presence as he sat next to you now far more overbearing, the touch of his skin against yours now evoking tingles throughout your entire being. And the feelings were reciprocated on his end too. He no longer saw you as just the girl he knew through family connections. You were the cute girl he knew through family connections. The girl that made him actually care about how he dressed for these things, the one that made his mouth go dry as you approached him with arms open wide for a hug when you greeted him, the one person he could never have wrapped in his arms for long enough.
Fate stepped in, or whatever higher power you chose to blame, and at some party that you couldn’t recall too well one of you - another detail you both fiercely disagreed on - finally grew a pair and crossed the line. It wasn’t glamorous, as not many kisses in early teenage years are, as you both stood outside the hall in which the party continued to rage on - as much as a group of middle ages family members could rage - oblivious to you both as keen hands grabbed at each other, lips moved eagerly against each other.
And so it continued, greeting each other as normal in front of family members knowing you’d never live it down from each respective side if you got caught and neither of you wishing to put yourselves through the inevitable interrogation. Evidently, your loved ones had seen it coming far before you two, calling it on only your second or third time meeting. It became something of an inside joke or game between you both to see how long you could go before finding an excuse to duck out for a while, competing to use the most inventive reason for leaving. Most times the doors had barely closed behind you before one was pulling the other into them, hearts pounding with desire.
It was clear that what was happening had been going on for far longer than necessary if it were nothing but harmless fun, but both camps were terrified of pushing for something more, scared that the other would shoot them down - not only ensuing an awkward night but ruining the relationship even in its most basic form of friendship for good. But as it turned out, it didn’t take loose lips and Dutch courage to achieve that. All it took was Calum turning up to your Dad’s New Years Eve party last year with his new girlfriend.
You’d stayed still as you hung in the doorway to the kitchen as you watched him move through everyone, surviving kiss on the cheek after kiss on the cheek from your many aunt’s - always welcomed as one of their own - working the room as he introduced her to everyone. It had hurt, more than any scrape on your knee or stubbed toe, but what hurt more was that he had the audacity to avoid you. Which you weren’t going to let happen. You knew he and you were nothing official, technically, and this was new territory for you both but you deserved more than this and you’d be damned if you weren’t going to make it right yourself. So you’d weaved through the clusters of drunken adults, dodging invitations to dance and calls for you to join your cousins for shots as you made your way to where he stood grabbing a drink from your dining room table. “Wow, I didn’t even see you come in.” You’d stayed loudly from behind him, painfully bright smile painted on your face.
His eyes were blown out with an emotion you couldn’t quite read, flicking his vision between you and his girlfriend who had also turned at your abrupt introduction clearly worried as to what was to follow. You’d assumed he hadn’t wanted you to let her know your history, when in reality he was terrified at the prospect that this could end in him losing you, knowing it was a shitty move to not have told you. In fact, if he dug a little deeper he knew it was a shifty move not to have just manned-up and ask you out a long time ago. You held a place in his heart that no one could take but the previously mentioned fears had paralysed him, fooling him into the belief that maybe another girl, maybe the one he had with him, could dull the lonely ache in his chest. But you’d acted civil, seeing no reason not to, introducing yourself to her followed by an obligatory compliment on her dress and finishing up by answering her enquiries regarding how you knew her boyfriend with a neutral ‘ah, our families are close friends so occasionally we’ll find ourselves overlapping’ before making a swift exit to find the bottle of vodka you’d hidden for yourself under the sink.
Which had been the last time you’d talked to him properly, both resorting to mere waves across tables whenever such overlapping of lives occured, even long after him and that girl were over. Until tonight that is, tonight was breaking the relatively newfound protocol.
“I had no idea you were coming.” You spoke, eyes still nervously taking him in never having been within 5 feet of him for a long time, raising the wine glass to your lips for a healthy sip.
“What, and miss a chance to have your Mum and Aunts tell me not only how cute I used to be but how ruggedly handsome I’ve become? No way, my ego thrives on these gatherings” he smirked, tight lipped until your loud laughter tumbled from your lips - which he was having to manually stop himself from staring at - joining you in the joyful sound.
As much as you hated it, in that moment it felt like nothing had changed. Yet you hated it so much because the nostalgic feeling was short lived, the silence that followed it reminding you that you were more or less nothing to him now. Despite the fact that he saw you, still, as the complete opposite. Especially as you stood before him, every bit as gorgeous as the last time he’d laid eyes on you, still mentally beating himself up for being the reason you always made sure to be stationed on the opposite side of any room to him. Which reminded him why he’d risked life and limb by coming over to you in the first place. “Do you wanna find somewhere to hide away, like we used to?” He blurted out, your wide eyes and dropped jaw pushing him to elaborate. “Just to talk!”
Your features softened, feeling a bittersweet wave of hope flowing through you. But you were determined not to be hurt again, not wanting to ruin the previous moment of happiness by putting more of an award strain on your already withered relationship with him. “I can’t I promised everyone I’d look after their bags.” It was a weak excuse, but you were rolling with it all the same.
“I never meant to hurt you.” Throwing all caution to the wind he swallowed his pride, valuing it far less than he did you, words drenched in remorse and regret. Your head tilted as you started at him, letting his words set in as you felt a familiar lump in your throat, a pinching at the back of your eyes at how sincere his statement was.
“You didn’t.” You shrugged limply, lips just managing to twitch up as you tried to offer him a smile of reassurance, feeling guilty for making him feel bad. Evidently it didn’t work, him shooting you a tell-tale look of utter disbelief. “It doesn’t matter.” Your head shook with more force than the last time, hoping he’d just drop it because you’d sure fought hard enough to, eyes shifting back to the dancefloor so as not to be worn down by how seemingly honest he was being.
“Yes it does!” He urged, stepping forward to lay a hand on your hip, bringing your attention swift back to him. “I don’t like the idea of anyone hurting you, even now as we communicate purely through half hearted hand gestures, I’ll never be okay with that. So you can imagine how torn up I am that I’m the one who hurt you. But what trumps that completely is that I miss you. A lot.” His tone was pleading, eyes begging you but for what you weren’t exactly sure and that had your blood pressure through the roof, breath ragged with nerves.
“You just miss having someone to make out with when the party gets boring.” you laughed uneasily, not unaware of how close he was getting to you.
“I miss making out with you, yes. But it’s much more than that and you know it. I know it’s been a while but I’ve been dying for someone in this stupid family to get married or christen their kid or buy a new house to throw a house warming party in, Jesus anything so I could hope to get even two seconds alone with you to tell you how sorry I am. How stupid I was to even try to fill the space not having you had created.” You swallowed thickly as words fell from his mouth at an unstoppable pace but you kept up with every syllable, hanging off of his every word as you felt your resolve depleting, no longer fighting against the current as you found yourself more and more willing to be swept up in him. Feelings you’d filed away before the bells had chimed that night flying from their confines.
“I don’t know what you want from me.” You breathed, not needing to be any louder as just inches separated you both, the party going on around you all but forgotten.
“I want you.” He was sure of himself now, fighting with everything in him not to close the space between you himself, determined to do this right this time. “All of you, in every sense of the word. Whatever you’re willing to give me, I’ll take whatever I can get at this point so long as–” Having heard enough you decided to follow your heart as your hands grasped at the material of his shirt pulling him in impossibly closer to you as your lips moulded against his, not realising you’d missed the feel of him as much as you had until then.
Pulling apart you were both breathless, noses still brushing as you both fought to take in air. “Not that I’m not thrilled about this but, God, in clear view of all of the families? How characteristically not us.” He laughed airily. Rolling your eyes you couldn’t help but laugh too, hooking your arm around his neck as you pulled him into you once again neither of you particularly bothered if any one were to peer through the darkness of that end of the large hall, far too elated to care. No one was looking though, everyone in there that knew your history had already expected you both to have snuck off by this point, knowing it was only a matter of time.
