SELF - PARA #001. after the meeting .
THERE ARE NIGHTS YOU FEEL ENGULFED IN GLACIERS / BITING COLD THAT SINKS DEEP ENOUGH INTO YOUR FLESH THAT IT SEEPS INTO YOUR VEINS . * the air is cruel , even with a sweatshirt hugged loosely around her body . lux sees no use in attending some kind of meeting that was organized to talk about things that were happening . all she wants is to get away . so , why does she find herself sitting close to the front ? slumped down with sleeves falling way past her palms , blonde hair is flung over her shoulder as eyes follow the crowd that files in slowly . one leg bounces –––– a physical representation of the nerves buzzing beneath her flesh . she doesn’t make eye contact with anyone , not even the people she grew to know better in the past few days . arms cross and she’s turning her attention back towards the first few people that speak up .
talk of unity and leadership arises , but it bores her . why should anyone have any kind of power ? democracy or not , things would fall to shambles . lux remains quiet , though , and she doesn’t bother giving any input when others step forward . the independence and dictatorship of the remaining groups leave a sour taste in her mouth . she decides none of it is for her . still , lux doesn’t leave until everyone else does . she follows people out , mouth nearly sewn shut while she returns home . her home . a place that’s to be kept as a safe haven for herself . it helps that she’s one of the last homes on a dead end street . it’s not like people would go out of their way just to see her or keeps tabs on where every single person decided to settle down .
door is shut , shoes are kicked off , and she changes into sweats before anything else . then she rummages through the cabinets of the kitchen . there’s still quite a bit in there . feeding a house of six meant she had plenty of stuff left for herself now that they were gone . just that mere thought makes her freeze . eyes glance out the window , towards claire’s house . she hasn’t seen her in days . maybe that’s lux’s fault , too . closing herself off from the rest of the town , running away –––– it was all for what ? the sake of her own sanity ? no , that’s long gone . crestfallen is she , and such a concept consumes her .
she chooses loneliness . her whole life , it hadn’t been a choice . now ? now she’s used to it . she’s spent all her time giving and giving and giving , but what did anyone ever do for her ? leave her in the dust ? her father left her with beer stains ridding carpets she’d spent countless hours scrubbing clean . her mother left her with a broken heart long before anyone else had the chance to do it first . lux took care of everyone , but no one took care of lux . there were few that helped here and there , few that even stayed . now what does she have ? a house to herself . and she can do what she pleases .
the lights in the rest of her house are on , the ones in her room are not . she forces herself not to sob for an hour following the meeting . eyes stare at the wall , stare into darkness that can be found both around and within her . arms remained wrapped around her legs as lux wills herself not to let herself go . slowly , but surely , the power household witnesses the first choked sob of the night . it’s muffled as her head dips to her knees , but who is she hiding her face from ? there’s nobody there . her arms lift , forearms resting in front of the top of her head as lux continues to cry into her own lap until her chest hurts . lux is not stronger than her own demons and she knows that now because she can feel them clawing at her . she can feel them taunting and teasing her , and they are ruthless .
it takes a half hour , but her body soon curls up onto the bed , arms sinking beneath her pillow as she lets the cool surface absorb her tears . the harder she presses the pillow to her face , the more muffled her wails become . it’s a cry for help . a cry for something . but a damsel who lives in a tower in isolation only attracts dragons . savior is not near . and choosing to be on her own will be her worst decision yet . then again , she did do this to herself … and it hasn’t even been a full night yet .