dad!captian levi x suicidal reader!
tw: Suicidal reader, attempted suicide, self harm, descriptions of self harm and suicide. throwing up, Father figure levi. Adopted dad levi. NOT A SHIP, this is a fanfic where levi is your captain and also your adopted dad, takes place in AOT times, viewer discretion HEAVILY advised!!
a/n: also holy hello guys I haven’t written in yearsss sorry if it’s trash 🥀
I've never been more tired in my whole life. I've slept for half of my free days. i've slept on long missions where we're camping in the outside skirts of trosts, deep in its forest. Everytime I wake up I feel the trees starring back at me, questions in their leaves, stories in their roots. I see the way everyone looks at me. the uncertainty in their face. The way they try to pretend everything is normal, when their eyes tell me it's not.
I've waited in this stupid kitchen for the past couple of nights, waiting, thinking, maybe if I sleep soon, I'll wake up and it'll all be over. Maybe if I would've taken more, maybe 5 more, or 6.. was I really a couple off? was a whole bottle of pills not enough? If I would've taken maybe 9 more, maybe it would've worked.
"are you just gonna sit there all night?" you jolted your head up, out of thought. you looked infront of you, and from the edge of the doorframe, Captain Levi gazed back.
"hey." you said softly, through an exhale of breath.
"you gonna answer me brat?" He shot out, in his ever so coldly demeanor.
"I... I wasn't planning on it." You said gently, shifting in your seat.
"Lights out was 2 hours ago." He said back, "You should be in bed." Levi walked over to the cabinet, pulling a glass out. Your eyes looked over to him as he filled the glass with water, placing it over a boiler.
"I know" you said, your head falling down slightly. "I just wanted to get out of my room."
"I know." he said. "You've been in there all week."
You shifted slightly, your hand resting in your lap.
The water finished it's boil, as he placed a teabag in his cup. Grabbing another, as he placed another tea bag into a separate cup.
You stayed silent, as the sound of a cup clinking on the table in front of you grabbed your attention. You looked up, to see a cup of tea.
"thanks." you said gently. Levi nodded, pulling out a chair across from you.
he was silent for a few moments, taking his time to sip his tea, before his eyes glared at you.
"What's going on?" he said bluntly.
You stared at your cup on the table. Your eyes numb.
"Don't give me that bullshit Y/N, I know you." Levi said, a slight harshness in his tone.
Your felt your heart pang at his words.
"Do you..?" your mouth moved before your mind did.
Levi glanced down at the table, before coming back to meet your eyes. Those numb, brittle, lifeless eyes.
"Y/n." he said. "I've seen your first smile. I've seen your first titan kill. I've seen your first heartbreak, I've met your first friends." his eyes came up to meet yours. "I've watched you from a 5 year old, not knowing why the world had left her alone and abandoned in a random cabin in stohess, to a strong willed solider, and a lively, determined person."
His words melted in his tounge, coming from his chest. You looked at him as he paused for a moment.
"so don't you tell me I don't know you."
His piercing eyes looked into yours. Your mouth went to move, but no words came out. There was a silence between you two for a couple moments. Then he spoke.
"is this about your attempt?" he said, numbly. But it was like a layer of his eyes was glass, and you could see the hurt, the tiredness, in them.
"..and if it is?" you said coldly.
"Then I want to listen." he took a sip of his tea.
"I don't want to talk about it."
"But you will. Because I'm not letting silence almost take you again."
You couldn't speak. You couldn't even cry. No matter what emotion filled you, your body couldn't react. You just stared at the table, the guilt washing over.
"you should've told me." his voice broke the silence in the air.
and then you caught it. That glimpse of guilt, that look of defeat in his eyes.
"..how?" you said, guilt in your voice.
“someway- somehow, in anyway, kid." he spoke, his voice more hushed. You swore you could hear his heart breaking. "You should've said something."
you stayed silent. just for a moment. ".. are you mad?" you whispered in the quiet room.
“I’m furious.” You felt your heart pang.
“I’m furious that you got this bad. I’m furious that you thought that that was the only way out. But what really is frustrating, what really stings, is that you thought you couldn’t come to us. You thought you couldn’t come to me.” His tone was harsh, his words even harsher. His piercing gaze watched yours. “How could you not come to me?”
“I-“ you spoke, but you couldn’t get the words out.
“You do, you just won’t tell me.” You looked up to see Levi taking a sip out of his tea glass.
He swallowed before speaking.
“You think I wouldn’t have done anything?”
Silence over came you for a second. You knew the answer, you just didn’t want to see his face when you said it. It’s like all you could do was bite your tounge and pray this was a dream. You always hated confrontation. But you had to say something. Anything. Just as he said, he was tired of silence, and you were too.
“I didn’t think you’d get it.” It came out of your mouth as almost a whisper. You saw a glimpse of Levi’s eyes light up just ever so slightly. Almost in surprise .
“You didn’t think I’d understand..?” He said more as a statement than a question. Levi shifted in his seat. “Why wouldn’t you think I’d understand-“
“I don’t know..! I just- you paused, a held in sigh escaping your diaphram. “..why would you.?” You said looking at him, your head shaking slightly.
“Because I care about you. Did you ever think of that? “ when the words escaped his mouth, you looked down. You always knew he cared about you, but he’d never had said it straight to your face like that.
“Then why?!” His voice raising made you flinch slightly. You snapped your head up to look at him, his expression as dull as ever, but a hint of anger and frustration in his eyes.
“Captain-“ you said weakly before he cut you off again.
“No, explain it to me why?!” His words were like venom, biting and seeping on all the weak parts of your body. You could see the anger becoming more apparent on his face, and it just made you weaker.
A tension filled silence filled the room. Then you spoke.
“..I didn’t want..” your words made Levi’s eye light up. “you to see me differently..” you said. And as quickly as it left, that uncomfortable silence resurfaced.
And then for a second, you could feel the anger wash off of him. And your hands stopped glittering in your lap, and your head somehow made it out from its position where you could only see the cracks of the wooden table in front of you.
“..I raised you.” your eyes met his. “I could never.” He said. “see you differently.”
The look in his eyes was stone. But beneath it was glass. And you could tell it was breaking him.
“I’ve seen you in so many ways. I’ve seen you kill a titan for the first time. Ive seen you grow and change in ways you didn’t even know you have.”
Then he looked down, at that same table across from you. “I’ve seen you clinging onto life, bleeding out on the same floor in the place you’ve always called home.”
it was like getting punched in the stomach. The fact that they all had seen it. Hange, Erwin.. even Levi.. they saw everything that you did to yourself. It was a type of exposure you never wanted. The same reason why you locked the door, and the same reason why they broke it down.
“But I’ve never, not once, seen you as weak.” Levi said. “Even with your wrists cut up and bleeding out.” He looked at you.
“Watching hange stick her fingers down your throat to make you throw up everything you took.”
You felt a tear roll down your face.
“Even when you were unconscious, I never saw you as weak.”
You felt like sobbing. Like apologizing over and over again as if it would make it all go away. But you knew it wouldn’t. Nothing would make the truth disappear. It can be covered for some time, buried under survey corps uniform sleeves, or at the back of the medicine cabinet. But it always came out.
“You’re not just a cadet to me, you know that.” He said. “You scared the hell out of us.” He sighed.
“I’m sorry.” You hiccuped out a sob. “I really am- I-“
“You don’t need to apologize. I’m not mad.” He said.
“I’m worried. Like crazy. Everyone is. I haven’t seen hange run an experiment since.” He said.
“And Erwin? He hasn’t even planned on our new mission.”
“And all I’ve been doing is wondering why.”
