#dailyessays

[thomaslloydqualls]

Ever since happiness heard your name, it has been running through the streets trying to find you. - Hafez Available wherever books are sold. #behappynow #choosehappiness #decidetobehappy #modernoracle #dailyessays #lookup #shiftperspective #rewild #honestquestions #realworld https://www.instagram.com/p/CaIQD1jPuNq/?utm_medium=tumblr

[mousygirldaily-blog]

Eye of the Beholder

Now I don’t consider myself beautiful in the physical sense; yes I believe everything and everyone is beautiful in different way, some being spiritually beautiful, physically beautiful, mentally beautiful, and artistically beautiful and so on. I just don’t happen to be physically beautiful and I’m okay with that. Would I change it and make myself more attractive? Yeah, but then again who wouldn’t. Any ways because of my own self image like this dating is hard for me, I always feel like when boys message me or catcall me or hit on me it’s part of some sick game. I’ll start talking to a guy and things will be going great I try to keep it cool leave all my bad jokes, emotional crisis and puns aside. *UNTIL ONE DAY * always super late at night my brain says to “they don’t want you” “you’re not the girlfriend type” “it’s a game between his friends” and so on it never stops and its volume just gets louder and louder until finally I give up and sabotage the relationship so that way I don’t have to find out what would have been. The scary thing is I don’t just do this with people; I do it with every single aspect of my life. I’m not sure why I’m not sure if I’ll ever know. I just want to be enough.

[mousygirldaily-blog]

Worst  Feeling Ever.

           On August 16th I decided to drop out of high school. School started the 15th. After last year being a really difficult year in my life, losing many and most of my friends due to my anxiety and panic attacks. On the first day I tried to be as positive as happy as I could be. I got to my classes and felt nothing but alone. ALONE is the worst feeling in the world. When I came home I went to my room and had one of the worst panic attacks of my life. My mom came home and I talked to her and said no matter what her or my father think or say I’m dropping out. So the next day I went to school and I got my transcript. I WAS OFFICIALLY FREE AND HAPPY.

               Until I heard my mom and dad talking, my dad was mad about me dropping out. He never really understood my anxiety. Anyways my mom said the worst thing I’ve ever heard about myself. She said “Well do you want her to kill herself?” I’ll never forget those words I don’t know why it bothered me so much. I’m not suicidal. Yeah I used to self harm but I don’t anymore in fact I haven’t for 3 years. I guess just hearing someone say that is really eye opening. I feel as if I have to walk on eggshells around my family. I feel as if I’m not allowed to be sad anymore because I don’t want to make them worry. I’m the big family disappointment who let worrying and fears interfere with their education.  

               Sorry it has taken me so long to post this, I’ve been in a really difficult place lately. I will make my greatest effort to post every day from here on out.

               Stay sick and remember strive to be happy