SUV’s
This is the most inappropriately named vehicle category in the marketplace. Sport Utility Vehicles? Have you ever seen one of these drive over a speed bump? They go over them as though they’re carrying a load of 2,4,6-trinitro toluene (TNT) held by a toddler. Pay no attention to the commercials, where they’re shown driving in the wilderness, over huge rocks down a muddy dirt road. Pay no attention to the heavy duty tires and wheels attached to a heavy duty truck frame. Those are for REAL Sport drivers. The closest thing that 99% of SUV drivers get to Sport is hauling their kids to soccer practice. They should be renamed Slow Useless Vehicles. Really. What’s the problem with actually making your car do something it was designed to do? Perhaps it’s a manufacturer’s issue as well. After all, they put speedometers that go to 120mph in cars that in no possible scenario could go that fast.
One more thing about SUV’s that’s ironic: Have you ever considered that if you took one of these behemoths to the place for which they’re named (Yukon, Tundra, Sequoia, Mountaineer…) that you’d ruin those places? An SUV on a Tundra? Riiiiight. Put a soccer mom behind the wheel and that thing would go a mile in a week. The best-named one is the Suburban.
OK- one MORE thing about SUV’s. This one makes me laugh. It’s the whole category of “luxury SUV’s”. It’s an oxymoron of a car category- LUXURY sport utility vehicles? Why not luxury economy car? Why not full-size subcompact? But the makers of these LSUV’s (I’m tired of typing) have embraced the realization that 99% of SUV’s purchased never go off paved surfaces, so why not make them as comfortable (and as big) as your living room? When Porsche and Mercedes came out with their versions I realized the lie behind “SUV”. Maybe they really ought to be named SOFT Useless Vehicles.
And since I’m on the topic, the same goes with Pickup trucks. Given the godawful handling, turn radius, acceleration, and gas mileage of these beasts, why would any sane suburbanite buy one? Two reasons: Small penis and cowboy wishes. One’s compensatory, the other is fantasy fulfillment. Since I commute absurd distances each day, I have the unfortunate ability to see hundreds of these vehicles during my commute. I’d guess that 75% of them have nothing in the back and no commercial markings on them. The other 25% are work trucks, and I understand completely the need for a pickup when your livelihood is plumbing, welding, painting or gardening. It’s the 75% that don’t make sense. Small penis and cowboy wishes.
The best post script I can give this is that Cadillac and Lincoln have both come out with LUXURY Pickup Trucks! The first time I saw one of these I laughed uncontrollably. FINALLY- car makers have embraced the fact that Pickup trucks are NOT used for work!