☱ — for Damon.
Dear journal,
Today I am suffering from loss. The unbelievable heaviness of my heart and mind has consumed me and I have no idea where to turn. I feel as if I am standing at a crossroad and both of my options have me grimacing since I am aware of what they’ll bring. Push it it aside and forget or keep it at heart and remember? This isn’t a mere question of want but one of right and wrong as well and as I face the darkness of the words my mind bring forth I am at a clear disadvantage. I haven’t mourned like this for five hundred years and it makes me feel stained. These crystal clear droplets are already staining this yellowed sheet of paper, smudging the ink at the edges, it’s hopeless isn’t it? Mortals die and I am well aware of that, but this? This was all to sudden for my mind to comprehend and of course I keep asking myself, if I could have done something, even though I already know the answer. No.
Damon why did you have to go?
Thinking back at it, our relationship was quite odd, I don’t even know if he considered me a friend, a foe or a pain. Neither could I classify him. It’s funny really, how someone like him and someone like me managed to get along. One who displays no emotions at all, as if they’re completely non-existent , seemingly for the sake of his own protection and one who does the same because he doesn’t understand them. Two people with no social skills. I don’t know how it happened, or well I do but I am still surprised today. Sad, that all we got was two years. How an almost wordless relationship could mean so much to me, tis a mystery and I wasn’t aware of his worth to me before he was gone and I feel guilty, maybe I should have appreciated him more. Not that he would have cared so it would probably have been futile to say the least.
I remember all those days, spent in silence. Sitting down, handling our own things and not saying a word for hours. How, when I mindlessly stared at the screen of my laptop, or read a book, he’d set his fingertip upon my eyelid an force it closed, yelling at me to blink. Tell me I’m stupid for forgetting, and I would roll my eyes and utter a provocative retort and he’d swat a hand at me. Suffer far more than I ever did, bruised fingers, dislocated joints. Painful when all I felt as a mere tickle upon my cheek. I miss his harsh words, and I’d give almost anything to hear him yell at me again. Or just… A glare. I always fancied those dark eyes of his. How they completed his features. Sod it.
What hurts me the most however, must be the fact that I assumed he was fine. He was gone for a while, not a word and not a sign. I as always assumed he was doing fine, maybe too busy to talk to me or simply not wanting to. I myself was caught up with work. I realize now that I should have done something, contacted him. Maybe things would have turned out differently. It took weeks before the news reached me, seventeen days to be exact and it feels strange. Now he’s just like me, the only difference being that I still walk the earth and he’s most likely buried somewhere. I don’t even know where, I don’t know if. I still want this to be a bad joke, one that I cannot understand. Or a dream. Just something but not reality. I miss him less and less, only because life is keeping me occupied. But it’s still there. It will fade eventually. When I get used to the thought I suppose.
It’s not fair, how when someone is wiped off the face of the earth they fall into oblivion, Damon will never die entirely, for as long as I live his memory will too. I have never been able to forget, this is no exception. Painful as it is but I refuse to let go so easily. I’ll always remember every line of his features, the small signs and almost viewless gestures. From the arch of his eyebrows to the way he walked across my living room floor. If I could choose, I guess I would discard the details, but I have never been able to forget. Not since I woke up more than nine hundred years ago.
Damon Lee, you might no longer breathe but you will never die. For, as long as I live you will live on.
Eternal rest grant unto him, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon him. May the soul of the faithfully departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace.
Amen.
J. Leon (A.C) — October — 2013 — Seoul
