#dan talks about stuff

[douhneill-personal]

7AM is the perfect time to finally go to bed, right?

[douhneill-personal]

you know for someone who says that RPGs are his favourite genre I spend a lot of time overlooking good games just because some other game’s premise made me laugh.

[douhneill-personal]

Life Shit #22

Well, today was just another reminder that I really do not wish to drive ever.

Seriously, how do people just learn to do all this shit at the same time I have enough trouble just controlling the car and then I need to look at my speed compared to the speed limit and be checking my sides and back constantly and I can’t fuck up turning because that’ll cause traffic and I gotta make sure I don’t stop too abruptly or else the guy behind me isn’t going to be able to react and what if you come to a yellow light how do you react how do you choose fuck me I almost hit that guy shit did I remember to signal my turn

It’s not something to be doing when my brain finds it so difficult to not drown out the negative or worrisome thoughts. I mean, my mom has some anxiety problems too, I’m actually really surprised she can be so calm as often as she is.

In other news, today was the first time in a long while where I legitimately got so engrossed in a game that I didn’t do much of anything else today. More recently I’ve been getting bored after a few hours, put down the game, stare blankly at tumblr and youtube for like 5 hours, pray for a call to happen so I can do stuff with my friends and possibly not feel quite so empty.

I do need to get a bit more work put into my Pokémon stuff tho, it’s been a while with no major updates and working on a project helps me to feel like I’ve accomplished something. I should probably think about maybe joining a club or something to try and make friends, too. Or to just learn to talk to the friends I already have.

I also need to go to bed. Go to bed, Dan. You have all of tomorrow to contemplate your life choices.

[douhneill-personal]

Life Shit #21

How do real life people make friends 

I’m too intimidated to go out of my own room because there are other human beings in the house I might have to interact with. Even when I do meet people that could possibly be someone I get along with, I’m never really able to let myself socialize with them to find out. I end up retreating into my music and isolate myself when I go to a family reunion. 

And like you’re supposed to interact with a person long enough to learn things about them and do things together and how the fuck am I supposed to even begin that when I have trouble interacting with people I’m familiar with?

Literally the only time I feel comfortable interacting with strangers is if we’re playing video games or tabletop RPGs. And even then, once the games are over and we’ve packed up I’m awkward and don’t know what to talk about or what to do or anything. Everything I do regarding interactions with those kinds of people is related to the thing that I met them through in the first place, and that’s not really friendship.

Like this was so much easier as a kid because when I met someone I got along with all we’d need to do is talk to our parents and be like “Can I go sleep over at so and so’s house” and bam you’re at their place, you get to play with their games, and you’re already best of friends from that one event. Now asking something like that is just weird.

I guess that’s what I get for refusing to interact with other human beings unless I absolutely need to for my whole life. 

[douhneill-personal]

You know sometimes I get reminded that I have the best fucking friends I could ask for and right now is one of those times so I’m just gonna toss this in my queue just to remind myself that these guys are THE BEST. And also to gloat about it to the world. HA HA!

[douhneill]

Going back and trying to work on songs when you haven’t done so in like a year is really annoying because you listen to your unfinished works and you’re like “This is so good it needs to be finished soon” but every time you open it up to work on it you feel like what you’re about to add wouldn’t fit with the rest of the song but you REALLY WANT it to be done so you can listen to the finished product and be proud of it so you just sit there staring at your music making software like “You. Computer. Form me some more of this music that I have made.”

[douhneill-personal]

Life Shit #20

Augh

I’m getting one of those moments where I’m focusing on one thing that I miss or want or whatever and no matter what I do I can’t get it out of my brain.

And this time it’s just

I miss cuddles so much. Like, so very much. I wanna hold someone dear to me and not let go for hours. I wanna feel how she relaxes when she’s in my arms because she feels so comfortable and safe. I wanna feel her play with my hair and hear her laughing at herself to know I get so much personal enjoyment from it. 

And I long for this but I know I don’t have the opportunity to experience that. I’m not dating anymore, and even if I still were, she’s all the way on the other side of the planet. And I wouldn’t let myself try to make that kind of relationship as I am now, because someone who would care about me that much doesn’t deserve to have to feel the pain of this illness. I don’t want to have that kind of relationship strained by the pressure.

And yet I still get this quiet yearning for another romantic relationship. And I can’t blame myself for that, I’ve wanted to be a loving and supportive husband for as long as I can remember. I’ve wanted to be able to do the simplest things but as a married couple. I’ve wanted to have days where I wake up early and make breakfast for her. I’ve wanted to be able to come home every day and find her reading a book in her reading corner, or to go grocery shopping together, or to just snuggle and kiss and hold one another. I’ve wanted to experience what it’s like to be freaking out at the hospital because HOLY SHIT my WIFE is GIVING BIRTH TO OUR CHILD AFEIOAMAFFIJ. 

I’ve always been really awkward around people. My first impressions are terrible, and I’ve been told far too many times that “Wow, I thought you were [Thing that is the opposite of what I am]”. I’ve never been able to make new friends without them needing to interact with me on a regular basis, and as much as people I know might joke that I’m good with girls, the fact is that every girl I’ve known that isn’t in my current group of friends (or my ex) has had me as one of their least favourite members of whatever group we were a part of. 

And I’ve tried, my whole life, to understand how to approach people. To understand what is and isn’t acceptable, or how to deal with one-sided crushes (of which I have had many), or even just how to try to just become closer friends with someone (something I still don’t even know how to approach, let alone actually work on). I’ve spent my whole life being jealous of my friends for being able to be friends with their friends in a way that I’m not with anybody. And in moments like this, where all these emotions come out of nowhere to slap me in the face, it makes me wonder if I ever will.

And these doubts and these fears and these “if we didn’t have this gathering space for the whole group of friends, would I even still be friends with any of them? would I even try to keep in touch with any of these people?” and this fear that I might never make a difference in anyone’s life but my parents’ and they weigh me down when I’m staring at the ceiling at 4 in the morning.

Because if I can’t be sure I can get someone to like me, how am I supposed to make someone love me?

[douhneill-personal]

Well.

That’s three times in a row I’ve woken up to the time I’d normally have set my alarm and just slept through it.

Without my alarm.