The air was thick with dust in that tiny shed. It shouldn't have been harboring so many lost souls.
I gave a long studious look around the room, letting my eyes fall upon each one. They were all children, in a sense, broken already as they inch toward adulthood. I could see desire of acceptance and a need to be needed in all of their faces. I watched as they passed the burnt coke can around and illuminate it with every inhale.
'What an interesting drug', I thought. Their worries would slowly melt away as the earthy mix filled their lungs. All at once a lightness filled them and giggles would ring from all around. How could it be that easy to let go of your woes?
For years I had seen others try this and watched them react in a similar yet slightly more mature way. At this time, for the first time, I was curious. I too, had a desire, I too, needed. Would this help me to feel fulfilled?
I let the moment pass and kept my hands behind my back, just taking in the expressions of glossy red-stained eyes. I listened as their speech began to slow, and for whatever reason every word they expressed began to sound hilarious. It seemed to be a great escape, something that helped to unite and bring people to a different world together.
Some of the jokes that were being muttered were demeaning, some were curious to say the least, but all were a hit. I let out a giggle, if only to express how strange they all seemed. Part of me longed for another offer at the drug, my balance of good and evil constantly teetered. One by one the lonely evacuated the tiny shed.
A deep freezer became visible to the left of me, straight ahead were two lawn chairs still occupied by my cousin and his latest tease. He got up, he was determined. We often had these stand offs, he would offer I would say no. I won, most of the time, this time the longing to try got the better of me.
I knew how to do it, I must have seen it more than a few hundred times by this point. I pressed my thumb against the hole on the side of the can simultaneously allowing my lips to cup the mouth of the can, and I lit the lighter. As the green set aflame, I inhaled. I let the smoke engulf my entire chest. That was a mistake, I let out a deep well deserved cough as laughter once again echoed in that tiny room.
Was that enough? How would I know if I smoked the right amount? How long did it take to start effecting you? What if I smoked too much for my first time?
I felt the panic settle through my being. My chest still burned. I could taste the herb like a little air bubble traveling back up my esophagus to remind me it was active within.
My cousin was satisfied, years of persuasion had lead me to this moment. Time after time of seeing others deeply enjoy this clump of sticky grass had finally drug my down.
All at once my insides lifted, almost tickling and I let out a tiny expression of happiness. It felt amazing. Conversations rolled by with lack of judgement and non coherent disagreements. Emotions were elevated but not heated. I felt like a badass, even though I was only a year younger I hadn't felt equal to these kids until that moment.
That longing had been hammered deep inside of me for years. Finally, I had a release, a way in. These people made me feel good, and I honestly felt like I finally had something to contribute to this group, to a group.
I did not jump head first into the lifestyle, but I would be lying if I said it wouldn't have been easy. Later, it would become a necessity.
