#darklilithsl

[guttersvillemayor]

The Blinding Truth

[There had been a time when I was a social creature. Granted I wasn’t the butterfly as most girls my age. Hanging over the word of any guy that gave her the least bit of attention. But I’d put myself out there. I wasn’t in the rut that I supposedly was. So when I was asked if I’d stop by the bar by one of the trainers at work I had to work myself up to agreeing. It would be just a couple of them and I could leave any moment I wanted. But it wasn’t their company that was the problem. It was the locale. Caldwell Manor or CM as it had become known over the years was a place with one too many memories. Back in the day it was an elegant pub that catered to a more upscale clientele. But the years had taken its toll on the pub and it was now considered more of a dive bar with patrons who were considered rough around the edges. 

It was actually there that I met Cain, my now ex-husband. Our humors were so similar that we hit it off so well and everything seemed to click into place. He was a bounty hunter who had been let go from the police force after trying to take justice into his own hand. So he felt he was doing his part to keep scumbags from not slipping through the cracks. And if he got to take a crack at them while bringing them in all the better for him. It was a rush to go on a job or two with him, but I’d learned real quick that I enjoyed the ring for a reason. It was rough, but there was an honor and a code that you didn’t cross without paying for. I looked past Cain’s flaws and fell in love with him anyway. I’d fallen into his world and became a part of it so much that I honestly wasn’t sure how I would survive when we split up. In the end it was his world, and I was just a guest. Besides I had my own reasons for not wanting to hang around. It was for this reason I generally avoided the place that had once been my watering hole. 

As I pushed open the door to CM, my gaze quickly took in everything and everyone. Pietro, the trainer who had invited me, was hastily working his way over to me, the panic in his face told me everything I needed to know. “Shit, Lil. Did you not get my text? Fuck, I’m so sorry I didn’t think they’d be here tonight. They usually never come on Sundays that’s why I thought it would be safe to invite you.” Pietro is talking so fast that I’m surprised I’ve even caught half of that. But my eyes have already landed on what has him freaking out. In the back corner that had seemingly always been considered his was Cain with his friends and most importantly Annabeth. When I was first introduced to Annabeth I hadn’t been worried. She was his friend and business manager. Essentially the brains to the brawns of his bounty hunting operation. We’d become friends in our own right and I’d trusted her with secrets about my relationship with Cain. Even telling her first about… My fist clenches as I try to stop my thoughts from going down that road. She had been a bridesmaid in my wedding. She was considered family. And when shit hit the fan I found out the truth about exactly where her loyalty lied. 

Cain had his arm draped over Annabeth’s shoulder as he said something into her ear that made her laugh, that is until she spotted me watching her and her body seemed to stiffen. This drew Cain’s attention and his eyes sought out what had brought her such discomfort. When his gaze fell on me, there was so many different emotions. No doubt some of them were mirrored in my own. But the one that killed me was anger. Without a word, he was walking over to Pietro and myself. Pietro had still be trying to apologize and such. But when Cain finally arrived he backed off slowly. I’m sure someone could find offense in that, but not me. Pietro knew I didn’t talk about things that went down with Cain and appreciated my personal space. And of course I could handle myself. I’d bested Pietro a few times and didn’t need him potentially defending my honor. I knew if I needed him, Pietro would be back by my side in a heartbeat. Cain’s voice had an icy edge to it as he spoke. “What the hell do you think you’re doing here?”] Oh wow, I didn’t realize I wasn’t allowed to step foot into a public place. I’m so sorry, do I need her majesty's permission? If so just give me a few seconds and I’ll be sure to go speak to her. [I moved as if to make my way back to Annabeth. She had never seemed afraid of me before, but today there was an anxiety in her body language that I couldn’t miss. Cain’s hand was on my arm before I took more than two steps, holding me in place. His grip was hard and would probably leave a mark or two. I found myself warring between enjoying the physical pain that shot through me and forcing him to unhand me. 

In the end, I just turned to him and gave him my best sneer.] Nice to see you so protective. Wonder where this side of you was when everything was going to hell. [His face flickered for a split second before the fury came back. “You haven’t been in here for months and then you chose today of all days to come back. Why is that, Lilith?” Any pain that he was inflicting wasn’t worth having his hand touching me any longer. Easily slipping from his grasp, I roughly push him away from me, drawing attention from the people around us.] In case you hadn’t noticed, I was invited here by coworkers. [My hand pointing to Pietro and the others I was meant to join up with.] As for why I haven’t been here in months, that’s because of you, stupid motherfucker. You think I want to see your face, or hers for that matter? I would rather eat nails than be in either of your presence. But I am not done letting you claim this place as yours. Caldwell Manor was my hangout long before we were together and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let you take that away from me too. [My whole body seethed rage and all I wanted to do was attack. Grab the nearest glass and smash it against Cain’s thick head. In the past we had both had passionate tempers and it had suited us, more so in the bedroom than anything else. 

But now all that passion had nowhere to go but straight to rage. My fingers still twitching to cause him pain and when I looked back at Annabeth I could see her whole body now. She was standing up, worried for Cain and the scene we were causing. And in an instant I knew I needed to flee. The rage and darkness in me was already too great but seeing Annabeth had just made it worse. There was now a sadness, a bitterness that was suffocating me and I couldn’t chose between screaming and crying. Her petite frame was slightly transformed by the baby that was clearly growing in her womb. It wasn’t very pronounced. Probably not even half way through the nine months. But her body was built in such a way that any extra weight would have been noticeable. Cain seemed to notice that I was now aware of the truth behind their celebration in the back… aware of his child. And the brief moment of sorrow that flashed in his gaze just made me rage more. Before he could say another word, I punched him across the jaw. My voice venomous and low, more so to keep it from breaking.] Don’t ever tell me that I’m not allowed in this place ever again. As far as I’m concerned you’re the one who doesn’t belong. Either find a new place to drink, or make yourself scarce on certain days. Nikolas still owes me a favor and I’m not above having you banned. 

[Without waiting to see Cain’s reaction, I left quickly out of the bar. My entire body was warring with the emotions that seemed to swirl inside of me. For a moment I wanted to wish ill on them and their unborn child, but that notion had killed me more than it would them. No one deserved to go through that pain. I knew that better than most. As the rage and adrenaline started to die down, all I could feel was the numbness that had become my constant companion. It was worse than I had ever felt it. When they had first gotten together, I had denied it to myself that things had changed. Almost convincing myself that Cain would come back to me eventually. It was a moment of weakness after what we had been through. Then the divorce happened and I couldn’t deny the way things were going. Even worse was when I learned they had become engaged and quickly got married. Seemed their friendship had easily showed them they were made for one another and didn’t want to be parted. During all of this any friends that we had shared was found to slowly pull away. No longer was it Cain and Lilith hanging out with Annabeth and their other friends. It was Cain and Annabeth hanging out with their friends who supported them while I was left to pick up the pieces. All the while pretending things were okay with my own friends and coworkers. How do you tell your friends who are starting to find their own happiness that you are drowning in something so toxic that you aren’t even sure you want to get out of it. 

So instead I found other ways to cope. Late night training was one. Another had been suggested by one of my clients, Frank. He came to learn fighting as a hobby, but also to put it into good use at his business. A few of his own employees had come to me from time to time for self-defense lessons. Frank ran a business that put his employees in potentially vulnerable situations. And not just cause they were naked. There was no good way to describe Limbo, Frank’s establishment that seemed to provide people with whatever they needed and/or desired. But when he noticed how rough things were going for me, he offered his services with no judgement and plenty of discretion. The man had a talent for reading people and knew I needed something to deal with everything, but I wasn’t quite like his usual clients. That’s how I came to find myself outside of Limbo after leaving CM. I needed my mind silenced, along with my heart and body. Something that Frank had provided was a distraction from everything that troubled me. A way to put myself into trusted hands who didn’t let me dwell on what was truly bothering me. Gabriella was one of those trusted hands. By the time I was led up to her usual room, I was fighting off the sobs that wanted to take over. She was still with a scheduled client, but I was free to see her once it was over. My hands gripped around my middle as if to hold myself together. I needed to stop before my thoughts led to… Evelyn. Finally a soft sob escapes my lips. When I’d first told Cain, he had been overjoyed. Insisted that we get married ahead of schedule. That he wanted to start our family on the right foot. We had already talked about spending the rest of our life together, but we hadn’t expected to get married so quickly until I had started expecting. And things had gone smoothly. Found out I was carrying a little girl who seemed to healthy. 

But it seems I wasn’t healthy. That was the gist of what caused the late miscarriage. I had left the gym because of pains, Jake insisting that I get rest. Hell I hadn’t done anything beyond verbally train people and do paperwork for months. Everyone at the gym was cautious and excited about having a little one running around the place later on. But when things got worse when I arrived home, it was painfully obvious I was losing my little one. Cain rushed me to the hospital but there was nothing that could be done. We’d lost her and that was the beginning of the end for us. He blamed my work for what happened. Claiming that I had put myself in a dangerous situation, like he didn’t do that for a living. Of course he wasn’t pregnant. Honestly he should have known better than to blame my job, and maybe he did too. But that didn’t stop him. We were both hurting so badly that we pulled away. He worked long hours and I got lost in myself. Unable to truly move from my bed some days, wishing my husband was there to comfort me, that I could comfort him and that we could heal together. If I had left my bed more, maybe I would have realized the truth about what was really happening. My husband had begun to heal after receiving comfort. But it wasn’t from me. It seemed in my absence, Annabeth had made herself available to Cain. It was a betrayal that I had never gotten over. So much so that I buried Evelyn somewhere Cain didn’t know about. All of it had turned me into the person I was today. And today had just added to that. 

As my thoughts spiraled through everything that had happened, I felt sobs racking my body until a gentle hand touched my spine. I jumped at the feel of it but couldn’t get myself to stop crying. Gabriella’s fingers slipped around my body and pulled me back to her chest. She and I weren’t friends, she didn’t know much about me other than I was here to lose myself. It was how this business worked. And I appreciated her for being able to provide that for me. “Sweet girl. I can see how much pain you’re in, are you sure you don’t want to just talk tonight.” Gabriella was older than me. In her 40s or so and clearly well versed in so many different things that caused pain and mostly pleasure. I shook my head. I couldn’t think about this anymore or I was afraid it would kill me. “Okay, lovely. Then I need you to stop crying.” Her tone was soft yet firm. Slowly I obeyed her words, my sobs quieting until there was nothing but a few shudders that wracked my body. “Good girl.” Soothingly, she rubbed one hand up and down my back before working to slowly peel my clothes off of me. Allowing my mind to go blank, I helped her and started to take my usual stance, but she stopped me. Her eyes gentle as they wash over my body before taking her more dominating persona. This is what I had come for. I trusted Gabriella to do all the thinking for me until my time was up.  Then I would pick up the pieces of my life once more and try to make it through the rest of the day.]

[guttersvillemayor]

Time Doesn’t Heal All Fucking Wounds

[“You’ll forget about me in time.” “It’s for the best in the end.” “You’re better off.” “The pain will be less.” Time heals all fucking wounds. That’s the basic premise of all those statements. That at some point I will be okay, things will get better, I won’t feel the way I did when shit hit the fan. And yet there’s still this huge gaping wound that never fucking heals. Yes I can go about my day, doing the tasks necessary for daily living. But in the quiet moments, the still ones when all I’m left with are my thoughts I remember it all. That the silence wouldn’t be there if things were like before. You find yourself maybe wishing you’d never met the person who seemingly ruined your life. Upended everything and left you wondering how you’ll ever find your balance again. Life is ever evolving, nothing ever stays the same. But there is a difference to how things were before and my current state of being. 

It’s the knowing. That knowledge of something you didn’t have before. Before the silence didn’t eat me alive. Before I didn’t know what I was missing. Before I was happy with the solitude. There was a peace in it. Now there’s just a mocking echo. These quiet moments are my hell on earth. I need something loud, something mind numbing to take me out of myself. It’s how I started down my current path. I needed something, anything to make it through the deafening silence. It could be as loud as a rowdy crowd screaming for some violence or just the simple sound of my own blood pulsing loudly in my ears as growled out words punctuate each beat of my heart in a way that was both thrilling and terrifying. I’d tried to find different ways to cope, to make the wound that seemed to continually fester slowly get better. 

But even now after all these months I found myself stuck in a place that I could not move from. I had spent years letting the things that bother me eat away at me and even now I could not find the strength to move forward. Rational thought told me that I should move forward, take the high road, leaving it in the past. Still I found myself angry and bitter about what transpired between us. I would continually think you should be over him, you should be over this, you're moving on and you're moving forward. Like a mantra stuck on repeat in my head, and yet still I found myself consumed by it. The hatred, the uneasiness. It was a part of me, this darkness, no matter what I did, and a part of me didn't want to get rid of it. I felt betrayed and left behind. No words seemed to make it better and no action seemed good enough to ease that pain. There was no changing what happened to me, to my almost-marriage, to my friendships, to my life. People who said I needed to accept it were stupid motherfuckers. I had accepted it well enough. But there was no moving past it. If anything, accepting it only made things worse. Only added salt to the perpetual wound. Only made the bitterness and anger linger in the silent moments like now.] Fuck this. 

[My words are low and muttered even though I’m alone in my apartment. I had only lived here for a month or two as proof from the boxes that still hadn’t been completely unpacked. Some for the very reason that it would be like unpacking Pandora’s box. Thankfully I hadn’t really changed into any pajamas. I figured tonight would be one of those nights I’d lie in bed filled with these lingering thoughts. Probably cause I hadn’t worked myself to the point of exhaustion. That was definitely a key to a good night’s sleep. Slipping my shoes and jacket back on, I easily made my way out the front door and headed back to the gym. I was a trainer there, but I was also a fighter. Most people wouldn’t believe it from looking at me. I’m not bulky compared to other fighters out there, but what I might lack in size I make up for in agility. Gotta be able to hit me to.. well hit me. Thankfully since I worked at the gym I was able to go in any time I wanted. A perk I didn’t truly enjoy until everything happened and night time, which I used to love, became my own personal hellhole. 

There’s maybe 1 or 2 guys in the place besides the trainer on duty. Thankfully it’s not one of the main guys, like Jake or Rick. They’d want to know why I was back. For the most part, I was left alone when it came to the changes in my life. They all knew the story… or at least the stuff that was common knowledge. But there were things that only the darkness knew. I loved the guys from the gym, knew they’d protect me like brothers. This just wasn’t something I necessarily wanted them to be a part of. I needed them to be untainted from the rest of my shit. Finding one of the darker corners, my fingers make sure the headphones I’d shoved in my ears before walking to the gym were secure. Walking down the street wasn’t quite the same as taking a good number of jabs at a bag. The trainer in me knew I should call over one of the guys to help wrap up my hands, but my space was more important at this point. For as much as I hated the silence, it was all that much worse to have it invaded by people I barely knew. Besides any pain would be bearable considering how I was feeling, not that I expected any. My movements are almost routine as I slowly start with the bag. All that is in focus is my movements, the bag and the music. 

I don’t even notice how long I’ve been at it until someone comes to tap on my shoulder and has to duck to avoid my right hook, instincts taking over. I don’t recognize the guy, but he clearly comes to the gym often if he’s able to come in after it closes to the general public. The very few people who came in after midnight were either people who had been with the gym for years or had worked out deals with the management to come in when the doors were locked. If that wasn’t a giveaway that he’s a regular at the gym, there’s also the fact that his chocolate colored skin is taut and well defined. In a past life, I might have been flattered that he came over and maybe even flirted with him. But today I was just frustrated that he pulled me from out of the zone. The annoyance clear from my sharp movements as I pull off on glove to take out my headphones.] Yes? [The guy has at least realized I’m not in the mood and looks slightly apologetic, but still says what he’s come over to say. That I’ve been going for a good hour and that I was already well into it when he walked in the gym. 

The pause from everything has given me a chance to realize the pulsating in my hands. It’s not too bad. I’m not fearful that I’ve seriously hurt something, but had I been paying better attention to my physical pain I might have stopped a long time ago. My eyes glancing up to the clock on the wall and see how right this guy is. I’ve been at it for over an hour and a half. A part of me is annoyed that I have to admit this stranger is right. To admit I was so lost in my own abyss that I might have ruined one of the few things that are still good in my life. My tone is clearly begrudging when I finally speak.] Thank you. I guess I was lost in thought. [He lets out a low, quick chuckle and mutters “I hate to be the person you were thinking of.” Seems I was telegraphing my emotions while losing myself. That wasn’t good. I’d need to make sure to remember that in the future. If any of the guys had been here, they’d have noticed and not let it go. I say thank you once more and back away from the bag not making any more conversation with the guy. It was almost 4 a.m. in a closed gym. Not exactly peak conversation time for anyone. 

My legs slowly lower me onto a bench, and I replace the loose headphone back into my ear. Keeping in mind not to get lost again while I unwrap my hands and pack up my belongings. The walk back home wouldn’t take me long, part of the reason I picked my new place was how close it was to the gym. But I’d have to wait until I was back in bed to see if the late night session helped any with my sleep issue. At least temporarily. It would be a fucking miracle if I ever found a way to deal with the cause behind my sleeping issues. And I have to focus on the lyrics of the random song that's playing before my thoughts once again take a turn for the worst and undo any chance I had of finding sleep and some kind of peace tonight. Though at this point, it honestly didn’t seem like true peace was ever going to be an option.]