seen from China
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seen from Saudi Arabia
10:14am
I woke up heartbroken.
My bones feel so heavy, I don’t know if I can pull myself out of bed today. I’m sorry. I’m so tired. I’m tired of carrying this 100 tonne heart around. All it does is ache. I’m tired of all these worries rattling around my lungs like loose change every time I breathe in.
I woke up heartbroken.
And you’re nowhere to be found.
I don’t have anything in me anymore. It’s gone. All gone. Something emptied me along the way, and I didn’t notice until now. I sit down to write, to draw, to feel…anything. It doesn’t come. I sit on my bed late at night and push my hands deeper and deeper into my chest, fingers stretched, searching for something, anything. But there’s nothing left. It’s been months but I still remember when I used to feel things - a whole kaleidoscope of sensations. I remember when I used to cry oceans, rage fires, love so hard that it made my heart ache. Now I’m numb. I miss passion. I miss my veins running with an electricity so strong that I couldn’t imagine being anything other than this desperately, this painfully, this beautifully alive.
N.G ‘This doesn’t even have a title.’
Bralette appreciation post.
Bought a new Frida Kahlo phone case for myself because today sucked.
“Take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic.”
That moment when your grandma gives you a surprise graduation present of a portrait she painted of you, based off a selfie you took, in the style of your favourite artist. Just casual.
(Seriously though. I have no words. Amazing.)
Lately I haven’t been myself.
So the other day, when I couldn’t get out of bed, my boy cam home from work and he’d bought me a bunch of my favourite flowers. He cuddled me and told me he loved me and stroked my hair and wrapped me up in blankets.
I keep the poppies on my desk and every time I look at them I swear it almost breaks my heart how beautiful they are. I may not be where I want to be, but I’m on my way. I may not be who I want to be, but I’m trying. The world may not be such a nice place right now, but as you can see, beauty does still exist.
It will all be okay.
I did it.
Okay so today I had my final pitch. I was so terrified because it was a 30 minute presentation in front of a panel of industry professionals on the body of work I have been working on for 6 months now.
But basically...I nailed it. They loved it. I got such amazing feedback like that apparently I present myself very well, that I speak very nicely, that my concept was very inspired and impressive, and finally that they couldn’t believe I was only 20 and had managed to create this presentation.
I have also passed all my units and even came away with some top marks and a distinction average. Guys...I can’t even tell you how proud I am. For someone who bombed the HSC and dropped out of uni twice, this is such a big deal for me. I did it, I really, actually DID IT. And I didn’t just *do it*, I absolutely SMASHED IT.
I’m so happy I could cry.
Whoever you are reading this, I hope things are working out for you too. And if they aren’t, just let that be incentive to work harder. Because sometimes things are bad and it seems like the tunnel will never lead anywhere, but trust in me when I say everything ends. Take it in your stride, you’re doing freakin’ amazing.
Recently I’ve had a complete artistic block, I think due to stress and exhaustion from the intense college course I’m currently doing.
These are the first little drawings I’ve done in about 4 months, and man it feels good to be making again. If you wanna see more, it would be awfully nice if you checked out my art blog.
It feels like I’m breathing again. Here’s to full hearts and full lungs.
