#dating geeks

[cucumissacris]

seven months with the soft hedgehog.

it’s been interesting dating someone who:

is also practically asexual. i am so accustomed to feeling pressured for sex after the first few months with someone that i’d nearly forgotten how to initiate. i rarely had to. while he likes sex (and is a bit of a beast in bed! GASP) he prefers to cuddle...and is very physically affectionate. <3 <3 <3

also deals in directness and words, not subtext. if i want to be touched, i just ask: ‘can i have extra cuddles today?’ if i want sex, i must ask. if he needs anything from me, he asks for it in plain, honest language, and rarely expects me to figure out what he needs. either of our asking is only ever awkward because we’re not used to this kind of ease.

will often drop what he’s doing to accommodate me if i need to talk, or ask if i want him to. i’m still so floored by this that i pause and worry about inconveniencing him before letting him do so.

needs about as much, or more, space than i do. this is occasionally a source of tension.

challenges me to stay interested in life. i’m struggling with my mental health and teeth and finances and have trouble seeing past my feet on occasion, metaphorically speaking. he’s about as politically engaged as i was at his age and loves to talk politics.

is also anxious. i worry that he’ll want someone less anxious than he is, whatever that means. the truth is, while some of our anxieties overlap, we are anxious about different things: the kitchen sink and placing things in it, locked doors, cleanliness, getting sick from bad food, and the safety of his cat for him; staying employed, losing friends, paying bills, avoiding a nervous breakdown, and not dying from conditions i don’t have money to treat for me.

loves food about as much as i do, but isn’t as inclined to cook. he does like helping me though.

is boring. no, not like that; i mean, he’s not ‘a puzzle’ or ‘a challenge’. his respect and adoration for me is clear. there is no push-pull, value-devalue cycle. there is no ‘silent treatment’ and no ‘how do i unlock his consistent respect and kindness?’ on my part  it just exists. this actually is a challenge for me in that i’m usually drawn to puzzling, contradictory people.

[againjack]

Reconnect

Colby and I had been talking for what seemed like forever about seeing the new Thor movie. We both are geeks and love movies, it is sort of a given. :P At some point in the past two weeks we decided it would be this week we would see it, before he heads to the island for a week with his family for Thanksgiving. 

This week has been crazy with my body rebelling against me sporadically. Tuesday I reached out to ask him if we were still doing the movie. He said he would grab the tickets that evening for us to see it Wednesday night. Wednesday during the day we chatted sporadically and decided on Taco Mac for dinner. Because I had a late meeting - and he wanted to wait traffic out - we were going to meet at the restaurant. 

Of course I beat him by 20 minutes. Traffic is just getting worse around the perimeter. It was sorta awkward sitting in the bar high top alone and frustrating when I had completing my internet rounds on my phone. But boy, was it wonderful when I saw him walk through those doors. I bet my face lit up just as much as his did when he saw me. I am sure it was just in my head, but it felt like the entire bar was watching us hug and kiss in greeting. I swear, I feel like we are living in our own movie with all the fantasy and romance.

Dinner was wonderful and fun. It helped we had the most amazing waitress. She was sassy af and took great care of us. We have definitely reached a level of comfort and ease. A level of understanding. Dinner conversation was equal and bounced between flirty to serious to venting to teasing each other. 

We made it to the movie on time, barely. Thank goodness for buying specific seats! The movie was absolutely fantastic. We snarked and joked quietly at various points. We laughed a lot. We had fun chatting about it afterwards. The walk back to our cars was languorous and full of banter and flirting. He enjoyed that was a bit more forward than normal, hugging him more, snuggling into him more, leaning in to kiss him... He clearly didn’t want to part, but we did have separate cars to get back to his place. ;) 

I left first, but he passed me - and another vehicle. I was going to give him heck about feeling the need to beat me for once. I even had a joke ready about his rushing home to hide something from me. 

He waited at the gates for me. Apparently there was another HOA gate issue and I helped him test something. :P He said he’d be there shortly, he just had to test something first. So I drove to his place, and waited. He got caught up talking with a neighbor who is also on the HOA Board. I gave up waiting and tried his hidey key, but it just was not working for me and I gave up because it was hurting my thumb. So I just leaned against my car and read my book. He eventually came around. 

As we went inside he stopped and asked me about the keys I had left a few weeks back. I confirmed that they were keys to my house. He had a smug look, then turned around to put them on his shelf and grabbed something to hand to me. My own key to his place and gate clicker. I asked if he was sure, because he had made a big deal out of giving me a key before. He didn’t remember that kerfluffle and was very sure. More smugness, but there was a twinkle of pride or something in his eye. 

We got comfy and settled in his office while he dealt with HOA and other stuff and I read. He picked up on a point where I shut the book in disgust, as the author killed off a character in a terrible and unnecessary way as the plot slogged into a very predictable turn. This author’s skill and foreshadowing has gotten lax and heavy handed. All of which pissed me off. :P It’s funny because Colby has seen the show that is based off of some books by this author, so we compare notes and discuss various things. He enjoys my fervor and nerdiness, er, attention to detail. I love being able to share my passions. 

He kept shifting so I offered to have a go at his back. He agreed. After a while of massaging his back, kissing his neck, and draping myself across his shoulders, holding him to me - while not disrupting his typing... At one point I noticed the clock on his monitor - 130am. I was already feeling droopy, so I kissed him and went to bed. 

I was mostly asleep when he came to bed, I didn’t bother trying to snuggle. Shortly after being in bed he rolled over and pulled the blankets - which left me with only the sheet. I pulled it back, he complained. I told him that he was leaving me with none. He objected thinking I had enough. I just scooched closer to the middle of the bed so that even when he pulls the blanket I did still have some. :P 

The next morning was fairly typical. :P Though I was pleased that he was up and got himself together early enough that we could leave together. We kissed goodbye and he gave me that look again of being dumbstruck, like this can’t be real.

[cucumissacris]

it’s been a while.

i’m seeing someone again. after not dating anyone for over a year, and having no desire to, it feels a bit odd. 

he’s a programmer at the video game company where i used to work, and i met him over a year ago. at the time i didn’t find him attractive. i mean, he was (and is) decidedly not unattractive from an objective standpoint, but i 

tend not to experience primary attraction to men who don’t excite me visually (i.e. men who lack ‘feminine’, delicate facial features) and 

tend not to be sexually attracted at all to people i don’t know. 

so he was not on my radar. 

he seemed distant, a bit lost in his internal landscape, perhaps? i remember him with his shoulders up around his ears, monosyllabic even, in person when i spoke to him in the break room, but occasionally riotously snarky in office chat.

by the time i left the company where we worked together, i had a slightly clearer view of the man, enough to pique my curiosity. we had the opportunity to chat privately a few times, too, and i considered him a friendly acquaintance, if not a friend. we’d lunched together with other co-workers whose company i’d come to enjoy -- he usually organized the lunches and researched new restaurants to try.

we began dating about a month after my birthday. i didn’t even know he had a mad crush on me until a trifecta of signs burst over my head like water balloons:

when i announced to the company that i was leaving, he seemed a little sadder than everyone else...

he attended my birthday party and stayed until almost two in the morning to talk to me. in the end, i had to gently shoo him and another friend with whom i have some dating history out. (’i love you guys, but i need sleep.’)

a couple of weeks later, during some of the worst forest fires in my area in decades, he messaged me to tell me that he’d binge-watched and thoroughly enjoyed insecure, a series i’d recommended to him at my party. (i still haven’t seen all the current episodes! he watched the show just because i’d mentioned i liked it) he later invited me to his place near the beach if i wanted to escape the fumes...

yeah.

and i was taken by my ease in his presence. while time and experience has tempered it somewhat, i’m still usually an anxious dater. nearly every act or expressed thought of potential partners is full of flashing lights and sirens, and i can’t just relax and enjoy being appreciated and seen. but i don’t feel self-conscious around him. (he was nervous at first!)

this is new.

and he’s CUTE. i feel a little bad for not noticing earlier: wide-set, mischievous blue eyes framed with eyelashes naturally long enough to make any woman jealous. a round, boyish face. pinchable-just-so cheeks. full, pouty lips. while i prefer him clean-shaven, stubble actually looks really attractive on him. spiky short hair that is surprisingly soft and fine to the touch. i like rubbing both. meaty forearms and a stout build. (he was a wrestler in high school and college.) he’s a little shorter than me. 

i don’t mind.

he is kind as well. and patient. accommodating. emotionally honest. open to all sorts of new experiences. quietly outspoken. shy, despite his rampant snark, which explains why it took him so long to approach me. what i’m seeing of his inner life is amazing, and he isn’t threatened by my intelligence; he relishes it. when he first saw me in the nude, he just drank. in. my unshaven body. nothing but sweet, open, lusty admiration for everything he saw.

did i mention he has a cat?

part of me is wondering if we are moving too fast, but we are both so happy to be truly seen and appreciated by another person that it’s happening organically. we can, and have done, been each other’s caffeine until dark-thirty, just talking and cuddling, but have somehow managed to ensure we get enough sleep for work the next morning. we make time for each other. he’s not so snarky around me anymore. this is promising, but i’m jaded AF and scared.

i name most people i grow fond of, and he apparently does the same. he’ll be the soft hedgehog whenever i refer to him here.

[batbrained]

i spent my day searching for jobs. when i didn't find any, i spent the rest of my day playing lego batman, and then when boyfriend got off work we played some diablo 2.

i love his geekiness. i don't think i could successfully date anyone who wasn't into graphic novels, video games and the like, because i love them so.

[glarification21-blog]

Nerdy Boys Are The Perfect Lovers

I really could never date any "gangsta" guys and skater boys... They're all about partying and fucking around. Years of watching guys on TV sleeping around, and talking about b//ches have their minds warped. Hell no! Give me a nerd or a geek any time of the day!

I love nerds! Years of watching sci-fi movies have taught them to respect women and they date for the long run, not just for right now. Not to mention they look up to their positive heros and thus tend to choose the right choices. My only problem with sweet nerds and geeks is that they tend to be insecure, but it's so much easier to raise one's self-esteem up than to teach them to have GOOD morals.

Besides, I'd much rather spend my week ends alone with my boyfriend playing Magick: The Gathering, then standing next him watching him get wasted. Much rather sit for hours going back and forth with theories of what's gonna happen next in out nerdy fandoms like Doctor Who and Heroes than watch him skate around with his friends everyday.

I love nerds. I love geeks. Basically, I like guys who appreciate things and aren't afraid of commitment. <3