Forgotten Memories
A man who appeared to be middle aged sat behind a broad desk. Children running and playing all except one. Every so often his gaze lifted to see if the children were getting themselves into too much mischief. The youngest jumped from one chair to the other with the two eldest throwing a ball between the two. A black feathered quill with a silver crafted handle rested loosely between his thumb and index finger.
The man couldn’t help but think of the child who sat in his room with a book in his lap. A child who was two months shy of being eight years old with his twin brother. The elder twin tosses the ball back and forth with the eldest child. “Daddy!” The youngest yelled out bouncing atop the leather arm chair snapping him out of his thoughts. “Yes my child?” The man said with a hoarse voice. He cleared his throat before speaking yet again. “Yes son?” The youngest stopped bouncing on the chair giving him a rather bright smile. “I love you!” The child’s proclamation of love for his father caused a smile to be placed on his lips. “I love you to my son.” He said in return.
With the man’s attention going back on the journal in front of him. The quill’s nib met the smooth paper with the ink staining the paper with beautiful calligraphy. Each journal entry topped with to my son and their names to follow. The one written to his son was different than the others. He found himself tracing his fingers over the letters. They were more heartfelt than the rest, apologizing to the boy for years of strict behavior.
His brow’s furrowed with his lips curling into a frown. The clash of a book falling from its bookcase caught his attention. The boys apologized before placing its book back in its slot as they heard a loud sigh coming from the man. He always was lenient with the trio and he wished he wasn’t. The man’s gaze lowered to look down at the few letters that were smudged. “In due time my children.” He whispered tying the leather strap around the book.
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Kane sat cross legged in his office. A photo clutched between his fingers as he continued to stare at an aged photo. It’s been years since he’s last seen his mother. A woman with poise, grace, determination and power; a woman his father truly feared. There were times when he’d see his father on his knees begging for her forgiveness. Days when he’d threaten her and she would stand her ground, never letting him see the weakness she held. He knew his mother and her weaknesses. How she’d break in the greenhouse when she felt nobody around. He used to wait and sit outside the glass doors out of sight and behind a bush just listening to her heart break. She never let her children see her cry except once.
His father was a brute of a man, strict, full of rules and had too much control. A man everyone feared, someone he had strived to be. Only better; but fate wasn’t always kind. His father, Lylelan was always harsh on him. No matter what he did as a child it wasn’t good enough. Perhaps his father had too much hope for the perfect boy. He didn’t want to be the perfect child his parents thought he was, but their rules frightened him as a child and he obeyed. Out of all four of the boys, he was the only one with an arranged marriage set. Saji, Reylain… Lyle, none; it was only him. Why me? He used to think to himself.
Years he never understood why, why his father pushed him the way he did. Pushing him to be better than his kin; pushing him close to the edge of a mental break down. He never understood his father’s reasons for this until now. A long lost journal that belonged to his father was brought out into the open.
The man’s fingers brushed over the edges of the distressed leather bound journal. His father’s name was bound into the leather. A journal he had wished he’d never find but he did. He couldn’t help but wonder why it was placed in his room behind books on his bookcase. A slight brush of his fingers over the worn paper sent a slight shiver over his body. “This was his…” He whispered into nothing.
Slowly he brushed his fingers over the worn leather. Carefully he pulled the tie from under the other to untie the bound journal. Curiosity got the best of him and surely this was something he didn’t want to be confronted with. With the tie undone he flipped through the flap of the journal. The first page spelt his father’s first name in cursive scripture. The other names written were those of his and his brother’s writing from when they were children.
A soft grin curled on his lips with a soft chuckle leaving his lips. “There are days where I still can’t believe you allowed us to write all over your journal. Scribbling and drawing you pictures at the dinner table.” He couldn’t help but smile as he thought back when he was a child. His fingers brushed over his handwriting from when he was young, along with his father’s writing that spelt his own name. Each of the child’s scribbles had their names underneath in his father’s scripture. Seeing each one brought back a pleasant memory. His fingers curled to feel the worn sheets of paper itching to turn each sheet of paper over.
His gaze slowly fell with his lashes pressed tightly against his cheeks. He turned one page over slowly making sure not to tear any pages. A lump in his throat formed before swallowing it down with his eyelids slowly opening to stare at the pages. Doodles from him and his brothers filled the first two pages. Each one had their own name beside them. “You saved these…” He whispered to himself brushing his fingers over his father’s writing. He dared to turn over the next few pages each journal entry speaking of his daily routine. His trainings with his brothers, his book exchanges with his second youngest… him. Each page had a doodle from his brothers and each one still had their names sprawled underneath.
He had finally reached the middle of the book that had pages torn out. His fingers brushed against the torn edges with him turning the pages over wondering if they were anything important. Finally he had reached the entry that had his name written at the top. Brows furrowed as his gaze focused on his written name. Kane… Mikael… Dawnsorrow. Why would he write my full name? He wondered; it’s been so long since he’s seen his middle name written that he’d almost forgotten he had one.
To my son, Kane Mikael Dawnsorrow
My boy, how much you’ve grown. For years I’ve shaped you into the young man I wanted you to be. A man that wielded power and knowledge as a weapon; had the fearlessness of a leader. I pushed you to become just like me son. A man who wouldn’t disrespect a woman, who wouldn’t raise a hand to the woman he loved. A woman who should hold your heart, just as your mother held mine.
My son, I molded you into the exact replica of myself. The same discipline I’ve received as a child, I’ve given to you. You were stronger than I was my boy. You listened, you obeyed the rules I laid out. You didn’t fight them just as your brothers did. It was then I realized you and I were the same. Both of our souls became one again after it’s been torn to shreds.
I wish I can tell you this to your face son; I’m ashamed of the father I’ve been to you. My darling child, you were and you are different. Much more than the others, you have a big heart. Your love and care can mend wounds. I know you won’t be the one that would just want power in your life. You’ll want more, love, compassion just as I wanted.
Your mother looks at you with great love. There are times when her gaze lingers far too long. For years I wondered why but I know why now son. She saw the importance you held, the power you held on your shoulders. The fearlessness in your eyes, the knowledge you have in your head. It was you that became the man I wanted you to be. But my boy, it was you that taught me.
Your mother is proud of you; we’re both proud of you. Continue to surprise us son, we’ll be here watching.
Your father, Lylelan Dawntreader
Kane couldn’t help but read over the entry over and over again. Each word sent a new wave of emotion over him. Regret and sorrow coursed through him as his bottom lip quivered. His thought went back to when his father sat with a book in his hands; his mother was sewing a piece of clothing. It was two years before her death. He sat adjacent to his father with his leg crossed over. Every so often his lashes swept up to look around the room. He saw the love his father had for his mother as she’d giggle whenever his thumb caressed the back of her palm.
With one clean sweep he threw the folders and books off of his desk. Each crashed to the floor with a loud thud that echoed in his office. His jaw clenched as he stood up from his leather chair. Anger swept through him with his father’s journal clutched tightly in his palm. He stomped around his desk moving towards the fireplace. With one throw he was ready to throw the leather bound journal into the fire. Tears threatened to roll down his face but he didn’t have the courage to. This was the last piece he’s had of his father and he was afraid to lose him all together. “All these years… and you still have a hold over me, father.” He muttered with a crack of his voice.
The fire crackled in the evening light as he fell to his knees. The journal he clutched was tightly pressed against his chest. Tears had finally begun to pour down his face. “I’m so sorry….” He’s whispered over and over again as he rocked himself back and forth on his knees. “I wish you and mother were still here.” He whispered yet again.
The leather bound journal caught his tears as a photo slipped out from its pages. His eyes swept down at the journal and then towards the photo. Vision was blurred due to the tears resting at his tear ducts. He blinked through the blurriness and regained parts of his vision before wiping the rest away. The grip he held on the journal was loosened as he lowered his arm to pick up the photo. As he flipped it over he saw a long lost photo of his father.
The man’s mouth gaped open as he saw the piercing similarities his eldest brother Saji and Reylain possessed of his father. His hand shook with him losing his breath for a slight moment. He turned his gaze up towards the ceiling closing his eyes before opening again. “Father, Saji…. Reylain… I’m so sorry. Forgive me brothers, mother... father.”
Davina Cross [ X ] || Lylelan Dawntreader [ X ]
[ @reylain-dawnsorrow @dawnsorrow-wra ]
