I feel like a fish out of water. New school, new life. New year, new house. New clothes, new shoes. New haircut. New bedroom, new locker. New everything.
I miss Florida. I miss it so much. But I have to try at this. At this place where I know absolutely nobody and my parents pretend it's a wonderful new beginning...
I have to remember that God will not put me through anything that I cannot handle. This is a test and He will use this to help me help someone else. I just know it.
I guess it hasn't been so bad. I haven't really talked to anyone. I've found my locker, found most of my classes. I found a spot to eat lunch. I'm getting comfortable, that part is nice. My teachers all seem nice, as well. Coursework doesn't seem all that bad. I just have to give it a chance. I just have to make the best out of the situation.
Dad found a job up here. Which is good. We were kind of worried. Worried that word would follow. But we're okay. Our prayers have been answered.
I'll tell you more later.
and exhale...,
Becks
[Reposted] Temporary Blues: A DBP Adam Torres Playlist
true trans soul rebel - against me! / my body is a cage - arcade fire / everybody’s fool - evanescence / we exist - arcade fire / paisley jacket - the dead hand / transgender dysphoria blues - against me! / crawling - linkin park / aiming for the sun - ryan keen / the temporary blues - the features / i’m in here - sia / invisible - u2 / numb - linkin park / ready to roll - philadelphia grand jury / skin & bones - marianas trench / sum of our parts - mary lambert / jumper - third eye blind / little lion man - mumford & sons / what i’ve overcome - fireflight / thrive - switchfoot
Adam Awesome Torres -- not really, it’s just Adam Torres.
When were they born?
February 8th
What are their parent’s names?
Audra and Omar Torres -- his biological father’s name is Christopher Whelan, but who cares about him? Adam sure doesn’t.
Do they have any brothers or sisters?
Just Andrew as far as Adam knows.
What kind of eyes do they have?
Blue. From his bio-Dad, unfortunately.
What kind of hair do they have?
Kind of long, auburn-ish brown hair.
What body type are they?
Ectomorph, skinny and kind of tall for his weight. But not tall in general, in his opinion.
What is listening to their voice like?
If you heard him before Grade 9, it kind of sounds like he has a sore throat with the way he tries to deepen it. If you didn’t, it’d seem kind of high-pitched, but he tries to speak loudly and boldy to make up for it.
Do they have a favourite quote?
“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life.” - Steve Jobs
What sort of music do they enjoy?
Anything and everything. Besides Gospel and Country. He really likes to play indie, indie pop, and classic rock, though.
Have they ever cheated on a partner?
He would never, but he’s never had a real relationship.
Have they ever lost someone close to them?
Not by death, really.
What is their favourite sound?
The Xbox loading screen. I’m not even kidding you.
Are they judgmental of others?
Nope, because he feels he has no right to judge anyone.
Have they ever been drunk?
As if Audra Torres would allow that.
What are they like when they stay up all night?
Probably how he would be if he were drunk.
Have they ever been arrested?
Nope.
What colour evokes strong memories for them?
Orange. Reminds him of... fire.
What do they do on rainy days?
Games, games, games.
What religion are they?
Technically Catholic, but internally super anti-Catholic. Outwardly Atheist, Agnostic at best.
What word do they overuse the most?
...booyah.
What do they wear to bed?
Sweats and a t-shirt, boxers and a t-shirt if it’s hot.
What type of clothing are they most comfortable in?
Loose-fitting, baggy ones. Long sleeves are a must.
Do they have any enemies?
Not here. Some kids from his old school could qualify, though.
(aka The Journal My Therapist Told My Mom I Should Use)
Mood: Annoyed, because this is stupi- Nervous Excited
You know, it’s been a while since I wrote in one of these things. It’s weird, because I used to write in my old journals every day. It didn’t matter if I hated the stupid pink and fuzzy cover of the book (thanks, Great Aunt Sharon), or if I loved the plain brown one, or whatever. The outside didn’t matter. I just liked the idea of sharing my thoughts somewhere without a filter. I’m no writer (I may be in Advanced English, that’s mostly because Mom is insane and I took both Grade 9 and 10 English last year), but there was always something therapeutic (irony) about getting my thoughts out there without worrying about how someone would respond to it. I worried about that all the time when I was younger. And still do, I guess. Which kinda’ brings me to what this entry was supposed to be about: Degrassi.
I put my mood as nervous, and you said I’m supposed to explain that in my entry, so why am I nervous? Because I’m starting a new school. I guess everyone is nervous starting a new school, but I’m nervous for different reasons. I mean, it sucks that we spent too much time over the summer moving all our crap from Vancouver to Toronto for me to meet anyone local, but honestly, having no friends at the beginning of a school year isn’t the end of the world for someone who spent a better part of his freshman year alone. What’s really the cause for the mood is the fact that I have extra pressure to “pass” as a guy this time around. Which is stupid, I know. I’m me, and I’m a guy, so I shouldn’t have to change anything about me to make me seem like something I already am -- I can already hear the psychobabble that’s going to come out of your mouth because of this part, great.
Let me try again.
What I mean is, no one is going to know I’m trans. And for a big part of me, that’s a relief. No one is going to treat me like a freak the way that they did at my old school, and no one is going to look at me and remember Gracie. It’s a fresh start, a needed one. If my Mom was right about anything, she was right about me needing a fresh start somewhere new. But I’m afraid someone might think I’m not “man enough”, or that they’ll figure me out or something. Which is part of why I think I‘m resenting Mom like we talked about, besides her pronoun problems, she also keeps telling me to make sure I “fly under the radar” as if I’m going to waltz out of class wearing the trans* flag as a cape or something. I don’t want to be beat up, and I don’t want to be treated like dirt ever again. I just want to be normal. I just can’t reach that 100% because she’s being so overprotective. I can’t even be in real gym.
Another fear, I guess, is how Andrew is going to handle going to a school where he can’t mistakenly call me Gracie, or creep guys out who talk to me because he’s “protecting his little sister”. He has to realize I can take care of myself, and I so do not want to date dudes. I think he does, though. I think he gets it more than anyone. He has way way way less pronoun problems than Mom does at this point, he’s been really cool about it all and I’m honestly surprised. It’s gonna’ be kinda’ weird not being “Drew’s little sister” in a school setting. But a good weird.
I mean, I may be nervous, but I’m also excited. At my old school, I started feeling like I didn’t belong, and at that point, I didn’t. It’s like, Gracie really didn’t belong, because she didn’t exist. And then Adam didn’t belong there, either, because he was living in a world where people wanted Gracie instead. Here, Adam can be himself -- I can be myself. I can belong here if I try to.
What is your character’s name? Does the character have a nickname?
Elijah Lucas Goldsworthy. He goes by Eli.
What is your character’s hair color? Eye color?
Very dark brown, nearly black. His eyes are hazel.
What kind of distinguishing facial features does your character have?
He’s either wearing a scowl or a smirk -- there’s rarely ever a middle ground.
Does your character have a birthmark? Where is it? What about scars? How did he get them?
He has two birthmarks on the side of his neck, and a long scar down the side of his right leg from when he fell off his dad’s motorcycle when he was little. (Bullfrog had been taking him out on a ride, and at such a young age, Eli wasn’t exactly coordinated enough to handle it)
Who are your character’s friends and family? Who does he surround himself with? Who are the people your character is closest to? Who does he wish he were closest to?
Eli’s family consists of him and his parents -- Bullfrog and Cece. They’re a tight knit trio, and even though he has some extended family, he isn’t especially close to them. His grandma on Bullfrog’s side generally sends him money for his birthday and visits sometimes. His grandmother on Cece’s side never speaks to them; her and Cece had a falling out when she began dating Bullfrog. Since he’s new to the area, Eli can’t claim to have any friends at the moment. He had a few acquaintances at his old school, but withdrew from them in light of Julia’s accident. They were always closer to Julia than they were to him, anyway. Eli wouldn’t admit it aloud, but he wishes he was close to anyone at this point. He might act like he never craves contact with others, but he wants friends quite badly, and feels lonely more often than not.
Where does your character go when he’s angry?
He drives, which isn’t exactly the best idea. He’s been known to speed when he’s pissed off, (and has only gotten one ticket for it thus far) and sometimes drives all night just to avoid having to be home.
What is his biggest fear? Who has he told this to? Who would he never tell this to? Why?
Eli really fears being a toxic presence in people’s lives. He already feels as if he is one, ever since Julia passed. Even before then, he wondered sometimes if he was just too angry and too resentful of a person to really be healthy for those around him. But it wasn’t until someone he loved died because of his actions that he truly believed it. He hasn’t told anyone this, but his parents suspect that it’s the case for him. Eli carries a lot of guilt regarding everything that happened. As of right now, he never plans to tell anyone because he feels that if he says it aloud, then it will become all the more true. No one will ever want to be in his life, and he’s terrified of ending up alone.
Does he have a secret?
A very big one, yes.
What makes your character laugh out loud?
Corny old horror movies, watching people trip over their own two feet, his father’s impression of Nicolas Cage.
When has your character been in love? Had a broken heart?
He was in love for about two years, with Julia. And ever since she passed, he’s definitely been dealing with a broken heart.
What is in your character’s refrigerator right now? On his bedroom floor? On his nightstand? In his garbage can?
fridge: The usual things -- milk, eggs, yogurt, soda, etc. but also a couple bizarre recipes Cece’s been trying out lately. They smell funky, and Eli refuses to go near them no matter how often she asks him to try it.
bedroom floor: ...Everything. Papers, empty bags, half empty bags, clothes, hangers, books, pictures, magazines -- all on Eli’s bedroom floor. He tiptoes around the area like a landmine could go off if he walks just the wrong way. He’s beginning to hate the clutter, (which is putting it quite mildly) but he’s also terrified to change the environment. If he throws out the wrong thing, or moves something to a place it shouldn’t be, then something might go wrong for his family. It’s irrational, but in Eli’s mind, it makes perfect sense. It simply isn’t worth the risk in his eyes.
nightstand: A pile of five books, only two of them read so far. A lamp with a broken shade on it. A water bottle that barely has enough in it to count as a sip. His wallet, his car keys, his necklace when he’s not wearing it. A picture of him and Julia.
garbage can: Stray papers; ideas that left his head and went on paper, only to be scrapped. Tissues (because he is a teenage boy after all), a couple plastic bags all scrunched up, and some wrappers from cookies he ate god knows how long ago.
Look at your character’s feet. Describe what you see there. Does he wear dress shoes, gym shoes, or none at all? Is he in socks that are ratty and full of holes? Or is he wearing a pair of blue and gold slippers knitted by his grandmother?
He either wears converse or his boots. Usually, it’s the boots. He only breaks the sneakers out on days when he has Phys. Ed, or when it’s too damn hot out for the boots. His socks are notoriously ratty; Cece is always lecturing him about it. There’s always holes on the heel or near the toes, and he’s just too far gone to care lately.
When your character thinks of his childhood kitchen, what smell does he associate with it? Sauerkraut? Oatmeal cookies? Paint? Why is that smell so resonant for him?
The smell of laundry, since the washing machine was right next to the kitchen -- hooked up to the sink. He remembers Cece doing the laundry usually, and when Bullfrog would try, he’d usually be cursing up a storm because he can’t sort clothes for shit. (Eventually he gave up on sorting completely)
Your character is doing intense spring cleaning. What is easy for him to throw out? What is difficult for him to part with? Why?
Eli refuses to clean, never mind do anything like spring cleaning. Everything is difficult to part with. Throwing things out means causing disorder within his own life, in Eli’s eyes.
It’s Saturday at noon. What is your character doing? Give details. If he’s eating breakfast, what exactly does he eat? If he’s stretching out in his backyard to sun, what kind of blanket or towel does he lie on?
Eli is most definitely sleeping at noon on a Saturday. He doesn’t wake up before one on the weekends, usually. Especially lately, since he has little to nothing else to do with his time. He’s lying on the corner of his bed, since the vast majority of it is occupied with other things. He has the blanket half on him, half off, and he’s drooling like a motherfucker. He’ll lie and say he doesn’t drool, but he does. All the time.
What is one strong memory that has stuck with your character from childhood? Why is it so powerful and lasting?
He remembers one very specific fight that his parents had. He was young, so the finer details are a little fuzzy, but Bullfrog had gotten Cece so enraged that she kicked him out of the house for the night. She was crying and Eli tried to distract her, offering to play and get her mind off things, not understanding that he couldn’t fix the situation. He’d never seen them fight like that before. The next morning, he woke up to the sound of sobbing in his living room. He crept down the stairs and realized his dad had come home, and him and Cece were having a talk. All he could make out of it was, “I’ll never do it again, I promise. I’ll never touch it again.” And Cece forgave him. Eli still isn’t sure what the fight was about, but they never had an argument that severe ever again.
