TW: some descriptions of psychosis, which may be distressing. Today, I would like to write about my experiences with EUPD psychosis and mental health services.
It's 4:21 on a Friday morning, and I can't sleep. My next shift is at 10am. My last known episode was around last autumn. But I've been wanting to write this for a while due to now being in a DBT Life Skills group, and now taking stock of my life. I remember the very first time that I was put onto anti psychotics to stop the voices in my head making me manic. That was when I still lived in Germany. I was, for want of a better term, completely out of control of my emotions and mind. I felt that everyone around me was in danger, my partner, my family mainly. Because of me. With the help of this medication, my life is made bearable. Bar the weight gain, they have saved my life, no matter what any anti-psych campaigner may say.
I first became aware of how bad these episodes were whilst working long hours in the hotel industry (which is why I now partly work a 10-5 job), both whilst on furlough and post COVID. Which is why in October 2021, I made a call to the Access Team in my local area for a self referral to my mental health team. This again, saved me. My GP put in a referral as well, which sped up the process a great deal. In between that referral, I had left my job, but had another episode just before the Christmas. My EUPD diagnosis came in the New Year - a blessing to me - and a wonderful psychiatrist. I cannot thank my mental health team enough. Now I'm not saying that the German health system isn't helpful, but I nearly ended up in hospital (on my own wishes of course). With the support of a multi-disciplinary team, and my family, I have survived the worst.
I don't know if I will ever be able to write at length how bad my episodes actually were - as these are very distressing, even for a person who is unaware of the reality of psychosis and mental illness. What I can say is that I felt like the prisoner of my own mind. I was very scared. I felt as if I was literally losing it. But I am still here to tell my story, to give those in my situation the hope that a recovery is in sight. It's been 20 or so minutes since I started writing this, and maybe I should get some sleep again. My Life Skills is good in that it teaches you about background vulnerablities. It's my toolkit for the hard times. Because sometimes, where we are exposed to the worst of traumas, all we need is a little glimmer of hope to show us that we are resilient enough.