Task 05 (1/?): Letter to My Birth Father
( tw: sensitive language, mentions of physical and mental abuse )
i’m not exactly sure what to call you because i’ve never actually met you. should i call you father, ezra or are you even worth being named? after all, you left as soon as i was born but i was told you were always a cowardly man.
i guess i just have a few questions for you, ‘father.’ you see, you don’t deserve to know how i’m going or how mom is going although i work better when i have pen to paper. you know when people say that time can heal all wounds? that’s not the case for mom, you ruined her. i’ve watched her live almost twenty three years waiting for you to come home, i don’t understand why considering she remarried. why’d you leave, ezra? was the pressure of being a father too much for you? was the fact that you had a family too good for you? you’re just a bitter man, a violent man.
i don’t know you at all. i don’t know how you smell, what your favorite thing is to eat or the way you comb your hair. they don’t seem very important to many people but to me, they are. you’re just a distant memory in a few photos albums i have that mom made up when i was only a child. we have a family now, it may be broken but it’s still a family. you know, mom had another kid? i mean, she didn’t give birth to him but she treats him as though he is her own. she remarried and for twenty or so years she was HAPPY. do you remember what it was like to see her smile? to see her smile and to know that you were the source of that happiness. i bet you don’t.
mom told me that you used to beat her, it took her awhile to tell me though considering she’d always end up in tears. how could you do that? how could you hurt the one that you claim to love, that you vowed to spend the rest of your life with? i hope you rot in that jail cell you’re living in for the next few more years of your life. yeah, i know about that too but mom didn’t tell me. oh no, for some odd reason she promised you that she wouldn’t tell me. why is that? it’s not like you give a fuck about how i am or how i feel? if you did you’d probably would’ve tried to reach out to me by now. it’s been twenty three fucking years, you’ve missed twenty two birthday and you’re about to miss another one. the only reason why i know you’re in prison is the letter that you sent to my mother. how pathetic. claiming that you still love her. it actually made me sick to my stomach.
you see, she’s no longer in love with you. she’s still in love with her ex husband and that most definitely isn’t you. he was the one who raised and looked after me, he is my father. he is the one who taught me how to love, taught me how to care and gave my mom what she had always wanted – a son. how does it feel not being able to give her that? how does it feel not having her heart anymore? just because you spent so many years with her, wasted so many years of her life doesn’t mean she’ll stick by you forever. isn’t that obvious?
you walked out on me, you walked out on your babygirl. the one you were meant to love and cherish, protect with everything you had. you were meant to guide me on the right path but you didn’t. you selfishly didn’t. you’re not there to celebrate who i’ve become, you’re not there to share in my successes and my mistakes. this isn’t really fair, what you’ve done to my family isn’t fair. you don’t even deserve to know what’s going on in my life.
i have a guy in my life that’s taught me how to love, that loves me as much as i love him back. that cares and appreciates what i want to do and who i want to be. he doesn’t leave when things get tough or don’t go as planned. he doesn’t touch me in a negative matter, he doesn’t hurt me. he’s everything that my mother wished you were and i one day hope to marry him. you’ll never meet him though, you don’t even get the satisfaction of knowing his name. you don’t get the satisfaction to see the children i have in the future or come to my wedding, if i ever have one. you don’t get the satisfaction of even being my father, you don’t deserve ANYTHING positive. what you do deserve is to stay where you are.
i fucking hate you, i hate you with everything in me. i have never hated someone so much in my life, you are a disappointment. i have disappointed that i have to share the same last name as you, i am disappointed that i look like you. i am disappointed that i have the same blue eyes that you have instead of my mother’s beautiful brown ones. i am disappointed that i have that annoying untameable hair that my boyfriend has grown to love, that his fingers run through when i’m waking up in the morning and most of all i’m disappointed that you can call me your daughter because trust me when i say this ezra, you are not my father. you will never make up for the times that you lost, the times that you’ve bruised my mother or tainted my heart. you will never be sorry enough for me to forgive what you have done.
my greatest and only fear is to end up like you and i fear that i already am.
from your dearest, loving daughter, adriana.
i couldn’t even write that without laughing.
signed, adriana.
