#dearannie

[dearmattheww]

- frozen

I'm constantly stuck between looking to the future,

And worrying about the past.

Christ is coming, this is sure,

But should I be looking forward and making choices

for the life I could live,

Or just stay stagnant.

I am so worried I could make the wrong decision,

And I want to be in the kingdom so much,

That now I am completely frozen.

[dearmattheww]

Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place. Things don't need to be perfect for you to start, like perfect weather, perfect sleep, for the stars to align. Just start, as imperfect as you are right now. Today. Don't give up on the face of adversity. If it's important, do whatever it takes. It will make you trust yourself. Finally, Forgive others and forgive yourself. Do you want a 20 year old bad experience to hover over your next 40, 50, 60 years? No. Acknowledge it, make peace with it and move on.

[dearmattheww]

- therapy 4

we move in the direction of our currently dominant thought.

whenever I’m tempted, say to myself I am better than this

what would my white wolf be doing right now? 

[dearmattheww]

- to be lonely

it does feel like time is moving at a fast pace now.

there is so much to look forward

and so much i can do, which is exciting.

i have come to realise i am at my worst when

i dont bother to challenge myself, or learn or do new things.

its exciting to be excited about life again.

like self defence, and hiking, and cooking and sunshine

and the small things of life that add all the richness.

but still, I am looking for something i havent found

and it makes me angry that its a man.

[dearmattheww]

- smile, please

because really the world is huge

and there is so much to be thankful for

[dearmattheww]

- pathetic love

it does feel like its finally settling in

how terrible you were.

its almost hilarious,

how much i built you up and

tried to prove how worthy of your love i was

when it was you

who wasn't worthy of mine.

your half hearted

pathetic

excuse for love.

i wouldnt wish that on my worst enemy,

and i cried and begged and screamed for it

and wrote endless poem and notes.

ha.

who was i and why

didn't i love myself enough to see

how terrible you were.

[dearmattheww]

- staring at the san diego stars

this is so big

and You are so good.

[dearmattheww]

- romans 11v19

17 If some of the branches have been broken off, and you, though a wild olive shoot, have been grafted in among the others and now share in the nourishing sap from the olive root, 

18 do not consider yourself to be superior to those other branches. If you do, consider this: You do not support the root, but the root supports you. 

19 You will say then, “Branches were broken off so that I could be grafted in.”

i only recently realised that what i have struggled with

and pushed against

and felt completely powerless against,

since my youth,

completely pulled me apart and away from You God,

actually has no power over me.

it feels strange to be able to look at it now

and see what once felt like an unclimbable fence,

an insurmountable, overwhelming force, mountain,

is nothing more than a small pebble.