#deceased me

[h4l0h0rn-died]

"I.. Guess that everyone forget about us.."–Deceased me

"Sadly yes.. They did.."–Catxy.

"Now it's: Halohorn land: the forgotten world.."

[justdrivee]

xoxo

[hopefuuuuuul-blog]

I am sitting on the floor, diary right in front of me. How am i supposed to start? I haven't done this for a good while and i had my reasons.

Life became hectic, a little too much for my liking. But maybe there's hope it'll eventually get back together.

It was around Christmas time, Jungkook was over at my place in Gwangju. His mother was there too, we spent the holidays with our families. I have to say, it was quite nice. Except...

Except something happened. Something that was my fault and still is. I still haven't forgiven myself, even though the medicine i was prescribed with is helping me to numb my feelings out. I don't really feel much, but i know if i would, it would be regret and shame.

I didn't pay her any attention. I ignored her and tried to run away from her. It had happened before and I allowed the mistake to repeat itself. I knew she didn't like it – didn't like me spending time with him over her and keeping things in front of her. And it's been like that for a long time.

Why though? Why did i feel like i had to restrain myself from spending time with the one who helped me regain my own senses and who helped me through some shit? Because she was the one who made me feel like shit in the first place. It shouldn't be so easy accepting and saying this, but I'll put the fault in the numbness i feel.

Well, the thing that happened has connection to this me-running-away-from-her situation.

One evening, when i was laying down with Jungkook, my head started hurting a lot. Pulsating pain in my temple, forehead, the top of my head, just everywhere. I closed my eyes for a few seconds and not a minute later, the unbelievable pain was accompanied with a high pitched siren-like sound. I thought i was dying or that maybe i already died and this was the supposed hell. The pain and the noise stopped though – it stopped so suddenly that i had to wonder, if it really happened. But now i am sure it did.

.

I had to go outside for a few seconds, light myself a cigarette and try to clear my thoughts. It's not easy talking about it, thinking about it, but i need to let it out. I think I'm fine to continue now.

.

The shock came when i opened my eyes. I saw her. I saw her everywhere. even when I was looking at jungkook's face, i felt like i saw a glimpse of her. Seeing her around has became a normal thing, i was used to it. So what was so shocking about this? Well... She was dead this time. Very much dead.

Her dead eyes unforgivingly and listlessly staring right into mine. Her lips slightly opened, filled with blood, which was very much gushed inside and dried up on the corners and the chin. The empty feeling, the non-existent aura, the coldness coming from her lifeless body. And it was everywhere. I tried closing my eyes, but she was even there. Her voice was resonating inside my head, the "it's your fault"'s becoming louder and louder by every second. The pain inside my head, the pain inside my heart –- it was so unbearable.

I wouldn't have survived that moment, but Jungkook pulled me back into the reality with a short little song, that he always used to sing to me when i had one of my bad nights. The images soon vanished and i don't really remember how, but i fell asleep.

And since then, i don't remember anything, except one thing.

I don't think i can write about it right now, i am already shaking too much – my writing is becoming unreadable. But I'll make sure to finish as soon as possible. I really want to get this off my chest.

Maybe I'll finally be a normal person, a normal human, who'll be allowed to love and be loved right back.

[petrxsolano]

I feel personally attacked by Lauren Jauregui

[beanhongbin]

Why Kim Ravi, why? Not that I mind tho, but why?