The Point of Indifference by KCtheStrayCat 11.10.2022 2:31 AM
It's already striking 2 in the morning. I just finished watching the movie entitled 'Work it' by Sabrina Carpenter. Practically, another cheer-up-motivating teenage movie of my liking but well, it wasn't enough to leave me staring up at the ceiling like 'Dumpling' did. Damn! I'm just pulling myself off the edge these days by watching these kinds of movies but still...nothing.
Me in my late 20's. Huh! People would see me as someone who pays the bills, buys groceries for the family, goes to places, and has that fully controlled "fulfilled" life. I wish I already have embraced the definition of 'fulfilled' in me, but here I am, stuck in a below-minimum-wage job with a post-it on my forehead saying 'single-forever'. Watching my batchmates on Instagram taking selfies in front of the Statue of Liberty or posting their first stethoscopes or sparkling diamond engagement rings makes me wanna ask myself, is this really it?
Every day, I am working 8 hours shifts in the lab with people who are also technically figuring life out. I make sure to greet every single one of them. I don't know who's genuine or not, but of course, we all have our own emotional baggages to deal with so I do my own thing. Getting attached to people seemed pretty dangerous nowadays. You get to bond with them like you're completely inseparable and the next thing you'll know, you're already the tea for their afternoon while they flash their twisted smiles at you.
Don't get me wrong. I'm grateful for all the accomplishments and blessings that I have received but for all these years, putting up with people's sh*ts and caring too much- to the point of neglecting my own pain, thoughts, and dreams- made me feel like I lost myself. It's like living because I have to, not because I want to or like pursuing something because they need me to, and not because I love to. Conforming myself into someone that tries to give and please everybody gets me to a place where I can't no longer recognize myself.
Maybe that's the problem- I love too much. Excessively loving people makes you want to give or do everything for them, but most of the time, you don't get appreciated or maybe your feelings are not reciprocated and at the end of the day, you just end up being disappointed. Does it hurt? You know damn well it does, and getting hurt a thousand times pushes us to a point where building walls seems to be a better idea. No one gets hurt! No one gets disappointed or felt embarrassed! You get the hang of accepting whatever they say or do to you while you, on the other hand, don't give a f*ck.
I get the hang of it, or so I thought.
