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Introspection
I grew up reading a ton as a kid. I think part of that was to avoid introspection. Always having a book on my person allowed me to have something replace internal thoughts with external ones. I grew up before cellphones were a mass have. This isn’t to say I didn’t have times where I was alone with my thoughts. I just avoided them whenever possible. Same as today, but I have more opportunities to…
my family’s nickname for me quite literally since the day i was born has been RAGELY
well. if we didn't count as polyfragmented before we definitely do now. just hit 100 known, named, documentably 'real' alters - not counting the sea of 'a-(5 digit number)' fragments, or the rotation of fragments we have instead of a host, or the ones we're not sure about being alters, or the ones we haven't seen in years, or the subalters in alter-with-alters subsystems. we've known that we were for years now, based on how our structure is, but meeting all definitions of polyfragmentation is wild lol.
words have been broken for a while so sorry about phrasing, but this blog is not being used because of major new information regarding our past. there's a lot we won't post on here even though this is almost exclusively for us. idk just. it's hard to see ourself as a system the same way others do right now, it's more and more just scared kids doing a job they were forced to learn a long time ago and adult selves trying so hard not to go back into denial because we have to know.
it's the opposite day of a trigger date (exactly 6 months), our brain is just mush trying to remember more and know more so we can just get all this over with. it's so much trying to heal and parts putting things back the way they were because 'if we heal we'll die'. i'm so tired of this but its the only option other than not believing our child parts and we're not gonna do that anymore. so much 'it doesn't make any sense' so much 'it's impossible because no one in our life knows anything about these people or places' so much doubt and denial that we can't do anymore.
we have to do this but i'll complain the whole time about it. and i'll complain about the fact that i complain about it.
me, like a month ago: haha i'm so glad that even though i'm really into dracula daily and have a similar situation as lucy (and jonathan towards the beginning), we haven't developed an introject. i'm so glad we're stable enough to not have that happen every time!
dracula recently: (has character who goes to sessions on a regular basis, recounts experiences and at one point makes physical movements associated with the experience before completely losing all memory of what happened and not understanding the significance of what they said) (also that character is one i've grown really attached to)
me: don't......
The first decision in my creative process is deciding on where, which physical location, I'm gonna start my work on a project.
When I make the choice to start anywhere but my workstation, I'm cueing my brain that we're not gonna just dive right in. I'm actively putting that off in order to use different parts of my brain to engage the script. To process. To imagine. To think. To iterate.
Among other things, those activities allow me to consider the meaning, subtext, challenges, and straight up opportunities baked into the written word. All of which informs my eventual process.
You see, while both hemispheres of the human brain can process everything coming in, it's actually networks in the brain that do the heavy lifting.
Which networks?
Well, that depends.
There's a network that kicks in when we indulge memories, when we daydream, when we visualize the future.
There's a network that kicks in when we simply focus our attention.
There's a network that activates for executive function, goal-oriented, cognitively demanding tasks, rule-based problem solving, maintaining and manipulating information in working memory, and making decisions in the context of goal-directed behavior.
And so on.
Here's the thing, though: the networks don't work simultaneously. When one is activated the others are de-activated.
So the daydreaming network deactivates as soon as we focus our attention, as soon as we start problem solving.
With me so far?
Our ability for diffuse, non-directed thinking, is turned off as soon as we focus our thinking. And for me... the gold is found where my mind wanders.
Now, the way I know I'm in this mode of thinking is that it's incredibly bouncy and magnetic at the same time. Divergent and convergent. It really does wander. Ideas beget ideas beget further ideas. They branch. They connect. They multiply.
It's a very open circuit state of mind. And there's no mistaking it.
On the other hand, when I'm focused or problem solving, it's a contained experience. It's linear. Step by step. Beginning to end.
Logical in the extreme.
So when I say the physical space in which I choose to begin my creative work has a huge influence on my work... but that choice only facilitates, it doesn't guarantee the outcome...
What I mean is that how I choose to engage the script is equally important because it's fully possible for me to engage the script as if I were at my workstation, editing in Premiere. Thinking about what kind of shot would I put here? What kind of music would be most effective there?
I can very much do a paper edit of a show in my head.
And I have.
It's another way to edit among many ways.
But the best way for me is to intellectually and emotionally meet the script on its own terms. To divine meaning. To interpret intention. To perceive all the layers baked into the words, intentionally and unintentionally. To learn where the moments are, the ones I've gotta nail.
To internalize all of that. Because when I do...
Something in my brain starts working on the project.
On.
Its.
Own.
I'll tell you the story of when I first became aware of the black box in my head...
Tomorrow.
nye reflections
(putting it on this blog since there's nowhere else to put it)
my uncle died this morning. i think i'm more sad about the (very small and unnoticeable) change in my life than i am about the fact that he's dead. maybe that's selfish idk. and the year's ending. i don't like finality.
i'm sitting here trying to think about what things were like last year, and all i remember was that i thought i forgot my keys and had to call mum to unlock the lobby door and she was really annoyed only to find that i hadn't shut my apartment door properly so i could've just called myself in anyway. and then later that night i found out that i had my keys the entire time. and then at midnight i cried in my apartment about how awful it was being alone. i'm doing the same thing now. the crying, not the keys thing.
i can't really remember my state of mind last year, though. it feels like i'm exactly the same now as i was last year. all i can anchor myself to are things i was starting in january of 2021. i started a medical thing i never finished then, and that feels like so long ago. right now i'm the same and haven't changed at all but everything's changed. my cat came over. i got a new wheelchair (which also feels like forever ago but was in may i think). i turned 20 and had a massive jump in perceived age/maturity. i switched universities. our 'known and named' alter count went up by 22. there were problems with citizenships and i made a lot of accessibility changes that really helped me and i stopped making myself sick over politics. so really everything's changed. but i don't remember any of it going by.
and now that's a whole year of my life just gone. i'm never getting that time back. and life is long, and i know that, but i think i'll miss this year. it sucked, but it was mine.
by the end of this coming year, i'll be of an age where i can't stay in the country i live in anymore because my visa will run out. i've started to really like it here, and i'm not ready to move again, but i know that i don't have a choice, and i don't want to be here for the rest of my life. and while my perceived age went up a lot, i'm nowhere close to the level of independence needed to function without my current support system. i'm scared. i know this year will bring about huge changes, and i'm sure many of them will be good, but i'm not ready for everything to change again. i'll get through it, and i'll enjoy it when it's over, i know i will, but it sucks when it's happening.
anyway uh yeah. happy new year!!
we keep having this thing happen where a part (idk if it’s the same one each time or??) we don’t know about starts co-fronting and having flashbacks about very specific things, and we ask for their name and they give it, and we get an idea what they look like. then we try and calm them down so we can have a little first meeting. u know, standard new part stuff.
then after it’s over we forget everything and its so weird. all i remember from these is that they gave their name but idk what name they said, had an appearance (or didnt), and that whatever the flashbacks were were about super specific things but i dont know the actual content of the flashback itself. i’ve been asking around and the others know that its happening, but none of them know these specific parts.
i know this is my brain protecting me but this is so frustrating. does anyone know how to deal with this?
