I am sick of never being able to eat. I am sick of never being able to eat enough to make the pain of this starvation-like process go away. Damnit, I never intended to not eat. But it all tastes like half-rotten rat corpses (especially the textures and smells).
It all decays. When I stand I almost collapse. No one beliefs me when they see me still getting fatter and fatter....
It appears as if I - theoretically - if I only ate grass and would do 9 hours of extreme sports a day I would even become the fattest shit on earth. Do I turn oxygen into fat?
I suppose the reason is really because I eat far too few.
This makes it twice shitty, because I literally can not eat without getting in another meltdown again and again. And I don't have the strength nor mental capacity to withstand this.
And I can't sleep. It needs 8 hours to fall asleep... And then you wake up because a shitty dude who spreads useless advertisements wakes you up 2 hours after you could finally manage to fall asleep. Then he asks you shitty questions like your name and telepohone number (¿¿¿)And because I have no mental capacity, I telljhim I canpt because my brain is still dead... and then he annoys you so long until you tell him.. s. I wish I didn't tell him... it is spam. It is annoying. But I couldn't even process to respond, and I didn't know how to tell him I don't want that, because I can't whatever the words are for showing and defending your boundaries...
And then you can't continue sleeping and are burdened with consciously experiencing the fully range of this devastating depression, to suffer for the next 20+hours,while also being so tired, but still being unable to sleep.
And that I have no one even barely helping with that makes it even more painful. Shopping this shit food is the worst, because meltdown. Frustration. Stress. Meanwhile even rather severe bodily weakness accounts to that.
Not having anyone to even remotely talk to... and seing how my 'parents' show me everyday again they were and never will be anything of parents even to the slightest.
Seing the psychiatrists and psychiatry make it even worse, as I have constant flashbacks of the emotional, psychological and even medical abuse I often had to endure in this hell of torture chamber.
I wish there would be hope it would ever change. I can't take it anymore to just survive another futile day' for decades now, not even the bare minimum most of the time.
I wish I could finally live, but best I could do is perish...
I am sorry for spreading my destructive depression. I just can't take it. I can't take to only talk with my own shitty self, I hate the sadists in my head, who strive for maximizing my pain and suffering.
I can't cope.
And knowing there is no one even slightly willing to help... or even listening...
And I hear the neighbours listening to really fucked loud TV or such constantly... It makes me wanna beat myself unconscious.
I wish I could split my consciousness from this shit body. And I don't even know who is worse...
Kill me, please. I can't endure this any longer.
