#depression liveblogging

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i can’t believe i’ve been depressed for literally half my entire life and we’re only racking up multipliers from here on in.

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trying to find a place to belong and a people to be a part of is torture when you’re from nowhere

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in that great yawning chasm i cried

for someone to end my suffering

to kill me or help me live

but nobody did

so i’m still here

crying

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fluoxetine has done wonders for evening out my moods and clearing a lot of this fog out of my head, but i still want to throw myself off a bridge and feel a strong aversion to cooking meals and eating them.

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pro tip: mood stabilizers will absolutely stabilize your mood and make the shitty middle schooler in your head telling you you’re worthless significantly easier to deal with, but they will not magically fix all the bad habits you accumulated during your decade of emotional problems and self-isolation due to anxiety and depression.

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if im lucky the next year and a half could fly by in a dissociative blur and i wont hit any big blocks along the way thatll throw me right back into Big Depression

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i believe people should do what makes them happy and i sincerely believe that i’m incapable of making someone happy by being in a relationship with them which is why i basically haven’t even tried. i have never been on a date because i don’t want to impose my presence on someone and i have so few friends i can count them on my hands for the same reason. it’s a problem with my perception of myself and knowing this does jack shit to fix it lmao.

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it’s kinda funny like. whenever people say they love me i’m like “aw i love you too!” but like deep in my soul i believe i’m fundamentally unlovable and they’re gonna leave me for someone cooler and more interesting and i deserve it. it’s gotten to the point that even the other dude who lives in my brain with me just cracked a joke about having bruises all over my thighs and i just kinda laughed and went “lmao. A) do these look like sex bruises to you and B) nobody in their right mind would ever want to leave sex bruises on my thighs like get real lol” like. i definitely in a very real capacity need some counseling/psychological help. but it ain’t hapenin cause who’s got the money for that lmao.