#depression yes

[missoj]

There's only one thing that scares me as much as a lifetime of depression: and that's the idea that I might someday be free of it, and I won't know who I am.

[missoj]

the way I feel right now--tight through the chest, inexplicably itchy, like my heart should be racing even though it isn’t--is the way I’d normally expect to feel about eight hours after forgetting to take my pills, except that it’s 8:15 AM and I took my usual dose at my usual time.

So that’s... going to make the work day interesting, I guess.

[missoj]

okay, this new AM anxiety thing I’ve got going on is NOT COOL. Not cool at all.

[missoj]

So, like. I am pretty sure that anxiety is not a Diagnosable Thing That I Have,  but I am also pretty sure that what I had a few hours ago looked an awful lot like a panic attack.

So that’s... a thing that happened, I guess.

[missoj]

nothing like (accidentally) letting a prescription lapse for going on two weeks to drive home how not okay my default state actually is.

Hell, this isn’t even my default state, not really. I’m still on one of my prescriptions. This is still the improved version.

fuck depression, etc.

[missoj]

I am still not sure how spending an hour every few weeks talking to a relative stranger about how I feel shitty all the time for no real reason is supposed to help me not feel shitty all the time for no real reason, but hey, I’m not the professional here.

[missoj]

winter prep

I am researching light boxes for seasonal depression. (I hate using the acronym SADD; it is so apropos that I can’t shake the image of a clinician giggling over it at his desk when he coined it.)

I will start taking vitamin D again, and maybe ask my doctor about upping the dosage.

I am also looking at local yoga classes even though I can’t touch my toes, loathe spandex pants, and have an astonishingly low tolerance for a) group activities and b) woo.

But mostly I am trying to convince myself that this winter won’t necessarily be worse than winters past. Just because they have been getting harder every year doesn’t mean they will continue to get harder every year. Right? Right.

anyway, if you’ve got tips on light boxes OR yoga for the stiff, grouchy, and antisocial, I’m happy to hear ‘em.

[missoj]

Okay.

It’s been fun real, but I am 105% ready to be done with this mental-health-and-babies quarter life crisis. I am over it. Can I please find something else to feel weird about, now?