I hate feeling like this. I’m stressed about my future & making sure I can still support myself while being unemployed right now. Some more traumatic shit just happened with my family & idk I feel like I’m at my breaking point. I don’t want to live with them like they’re roommates I barely know but Im also tired of being so nice my feelings don’t seem matter to them. I don’t want to be upset or give them the cold shoulder becuz I wouldn’t like that but if I just keep being little ole nice me then they won’t even realize. And I hate that it hurts me to be like “I’m not happy with you” or that I have to just not care as much becuz do they care as much? Their actions sure don’t feel like it. I don’t want to be a doormat & I don’t want to feel like I’m being taken advantage of either but it’s been wired in me to avoid conflict & sweep things under the rug & make sure everyone’s okay but at the end of it am I okay?? Cuz it doesn’t fucking feel like it. Like I can’t fake the funk if I’m not feeling it, you’ll know but I’m trying to be better about communicating what is bothering me so that we can come to a resolution. The only other hard part about that is the other person has to be willing to admit they’re wrong & say sorry if they feel they should. Only problem is they don’t think they’re wrong! They don’t see how their actions or words have hurt me & that when I’m calling them out on it they get defensive like I’m not trying to play a blame game. I want to communicate my feelings & set boundaries so that things can move on & I won’t feel like this. Realizing I grew up in a constant state of alertness becuz I’ve never truly felt safe & felt like I had to make sure everyone was okay so nothing would happen to me or happen around me has been eye opening but I don’t want to live like that anymore. I want to find peace & I def think therapy would help but idek how to get therapy rn. This is the only place I feel like I can shout into the void, even if I don’t make sense, that makes me feel better. I have to get the words out somewhere & somehow. Sighhhh alright here I go again, wish me luck trying to explain myself & feelings & hope it will be constructive.