December 17
disposal proposal
i took a pen from the gas station checkout counter
meant to mark receipts
and used it to sign a sympathy card
for my best friend's family
because she's dead
i threw the pen away
after writing my name
and was almost tempted
to throw the card too
let it all fester
in a heap outside of me
strip myself of this grief
or at least all its logistical trappings
but if everything's disposable
then what's the point of keeping
why would i cling to her memory
instead of letting it decay
the free things and the cheap things
may end up feeding landfills
but sometimes they are all we have
and all that push us on
it's not the ink
it's not the card
it's the gesture
it's the feeling
getting rid and letting give
are similar in motion
but differ in motivation
and hope for the outcome
so the pen is in the garbage
the card is in my fist
if i can't get rid of this emotion
then i'll let myself give this
and make this cheap pain
this free pain
be worth something more
than a reason to steal a pen