Days merging into each other
The costochondritis has just made all my days merge into one another into a great big swirl. I can honestly say that there are parts of the past two weeks that I can’t remember. I know I went to see Jurassic World. I know it was at the weekend. Don’t remember the film and I was awake through the whole thing.
I spent the bank holiday weekend with my boys. I remember that. Even though they complained, they enjoyed watching the jubilee celebrations with me. Especially when they sang/screamed Sweet Caroline. That was my high point and I do remember it.
I’m on so much morphine at the moment that I’m not sure where I am and what I’m doing sometimes. When I just take my usual dose I’m ok. It’s when I need more for the extra pain that there’s a problem. And I’m in so much fucking pain with my chest and back at the moment it’s not even funny.
In some ways, I think I’ve started the grieving process since my ME diagnosis. It’s a very delayed response considering I got diagnosed a year ago but hey-ho I got there in the end. I remember going through it when I got my Fibro diagnosis, but this is worse. The ME is worse. It’s taking so much more of my life and the bits that are left over are covered in fatigue and pain and cold and flu symptoms and insomnia and my lack of temperature control and everything that comes with this fucked up illness.
It has taken what little life I did have and chopped it in little pieces and thrown it in the wind.
I know you’re probably thinking I’m being melodramatic but this is where I am right now.
I really hope I start to feel acceptance soon cause the anger stage is pissing me off.