Job vs. Bob
Purgatory was fun while it lasted
Finding a real person job is a lot like being dumped. I left an interview the other day feeling insecure... blindsided… wondering what I could have done differently… updating my Tinder prof pics…
As my name was called for my second interview at a sales company, two hot slays in black sauntered my way and asked if I liked Starbucks. We hopped into a BMW and headed to Starbucks to begin the interview, which was starting to feel more like a 2 on 1 date ep of the Bachelorette (starring me).
The Franco brothers proceeded to describe the position and asked me typical interview questions as I sat across from them, sipping my venti skinny vanilla iced latte, debating on whether or not I should slide into their DMs and silently praising myself for going with the Caitlyn Jenner grey dress over the Bruce Jenner pants suit.
We headed back to the office where I was introduced to the CEO. She took me back to her office and on the way we passed a room fully equipped with an Xbox and Dance Dance Revolution and she said, “This is Bob’s office”. I asked who Bob was and she yelled: HERE BOB!! Then a dog ran out and hopped onto his DDR mat before we continued to her office.
After a few questions and burning eye contact, she concluded the interview by saying: “We would love to have you on our team, the hours are from 9 am until 9 pm 6 days a week, how soon can you start?” I almost said Monday before processing the hellish thought of a 72 hour work week.
I expressed my concern and in response homegirl told me she felt uncomfortable from my hesitation and retracted the job offer, patronizing me with a “It’s been a pleasure, exit’s down the hall to the left”.
I hurried to my car and looked into my soul through the rearview mirror, so many thoughts going through my head: What just happened? Was that a date? Did those guys even work there? I wonder if they like me. Why does a dog have an Xbox? What’s his skill level of DDR? How many hours a week does Bob work? Why didn’t I get the grande size at Starbucks?
After telling my mom about my job that I had for two minutes and creating an invention for dogs to play Xbox through their brainwaves, I decided that Taylor Swift must have interviewed there before she was famous and the lyrics to Blank Space actually are “got a lot of Starbucks lovers”.
It’s a dog eat dog world out there, and Bob’s at the top of the goddamn food chain.