#don't anything

[wah-pah]

Do you know those times when out of the blue you simply run out of patience and feel like punching a wall?

That's me right now.

[theniftycat]

im destroyed as a person what even am i now

[zah-mah-ki-bo]

everyone in this godforsaken city, everyone in the restaurant service industry, still remembers my dad as a ‘good man’ who supported his family against all odds fuck that he was a fucking pedophile, you morons

[angel-queefs]

Rant, so please ignore. So, I guess I had the balls to cut someone out of my life and just.. It hurts. I guess I can admit for being childish in the end but I can't do anything about it now. I just can't trust them anymore. I'm literally in love with a fuckboy and if they don't change.. I can't see myself growing as a person. I don't want to be fucked over again. I'm afraid of every move. You just don't say I love you when you fuck someone else and continue to talk to me. I guess they were in love with the idea of being in love. I don't know. I'm scared. So, as I sent them the message of cutting them out of my life and I was crying on my friends shoulder. Things lead to another and we end up doing it. Honestly, I felt so gross. I don't know why I did it. Im so reckless to myself. While doing it, I faked everything. I know it was wrong to do so but I'm so afraid of speaking up. I'm so afraid because of my past experience. I just wanted it to be over and done with. I wanted to cry while everything was happening. Once they left, I went straight to bawling. I feel gross. Took 4 showers trying to scrub myself clean and now my skin is dry with some small red patches. Honestly, I'm so depressed. I miss them. I still love them. I feel bad but I feel like its the right thing to do so it must be, right? I don't know. Things hurts. I feel like I'm going to crawl back in my shell this year.

[yvngdionysvs]

w//idow//tra//cer is honestly So Boring to me can we get more interesting ow ff ships like wid//ow//maker and m//ei pls. imagine them sharin clothes. z//ar//ya and l//ena kissin. L//ena sitting on z//ar//ya's bicep. *bangs fist on table* why we gotta ship the skinny ones wit the skinny ones all the time

[the-most-adorkable-smile]

Okay, sorry mobile readers.

But it sucks at the moment that I feel stuck between two opposite worlds. On the one hand, I crave attention from my friends, the people who know me, I want to feel like they actually want to be around me and they want to talk to me.

But on the other hand, I hate that so much of my life right now depends upon how I interact with my peers. I feel like a failure because there’s no one I want to talk to, and no one wants to talk to me. I feel isolated while also feeling the need to self-isolate in the hopes that someone will wonder what I’m up to. I hate that I have to plan around two entirely unpredictable people in the same house, I hate interacting with people but I also want to make friends who actual feel present, who feel interested. And crap, why not go deeper? I feel like I’m bad at talking to people, like everything I say right now is fake and is just trying to say what people expect, like I’m trying to follow patterns and stick to normal, “human” conversation. I feel like I have to fit in with everyone else when I talk, but I don’t talk to anyone so I have no idea how to talk to people. I feel like I can’t talk to people, like if I do I’ll end up getting angry or upset or saying the wrong thing. But on top of all this, I want to talk to people, I want some sort of human connection and I don’t feel like I’m getting it.

I’m not asking for people to message me or reply to this or anything. This is just a rant, I need to try and put my feelings into words. But it sucks right now; all I want is a place to myself, but where I can be surrounded by people I feel safe calling friends. There are very few people I trust myself to talk to right now, and I can’t talk to them because they don’t feel present, they don’t feel interested.

And let’s stream-of-consciousness this shit, because I kept typing “interesting” when I meant “interested” so now I’m wondering if the problem is entirely within me, that I’ve just grown bored of my friends and slipped into patterns of predictable conversation and driven them away that way, that I no longer sound interested in how they are, that I am no longer present. I talk to strangers, I make Edward Norton’s “single-serving friends” but only when I feel safe, when there are barriers between us. Over counters, behind glass walls; I talk to people where there is no threat to me or my overreaching, where I’m guaranteed only a short amount of time to speak to them and where I cannot intrude in personal boundaries.

And that’s another thing. I get too close to people, I talk too fast and too loud or too quiet, and then I get self-conscious and try to choose my words carefully but they still feel all wrong and sometimes I’ll just lapse into silence or if I find a conversation boring I tend to just walk away. 

Um, so basically

it’s past 1am and I’m stressed and nervous and a little hopped-up on Pepsi Max, which has naturally led me down a rabbit-hole of speech- and social-related issues I’m worried I exhibit.

[hellathoughty]

SO YOU THINK YOU'RE ABOVE IT(?????????)

DO NOT THINK THAT BECAUSE YOU ARE A SURVIVOR MEANS YOU CAN NOW TAKE ON THE ROLE OF AN ABUSER AND IT BE JUSTIFIABLE

DO NOT THINK OF ABUSE AND SURVIVORSHIP AS A DICHOTOMOUS RELATIONSHIP, BECAUSE ITS NOT

HEHAW CONSENT IS MANDATORY HEHAW BUT WHAT ABOUT DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS INVOLVING YOUR SOCIAL JUSTICE LOVING ASS AS AN ABUSER?????? *crickets*

JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE """DOWN""" IN SJ COMMUNITIES DOESNT EXCUSE YOUR ABUSE

ABUSERS ARE YOUR FRIENDS, CO-WORKERS, AND OTHER QTPOCS, QUIT REACTING TO PPL BEING ABUSIVE AS """""OH LE GASP"""""""""""OH MY""""""""""""""I DIDNT KNOW OHMYGAH""""""

BLAH BLAH SOCIAL JUSTICE BLAH BLAH BUT WHAT ABOUT PROCESSES TO ADDRESS YOUR ABUSE AND THE ABUSE YOU PERPETUATE ONTO OTHERS AND TO STOP CYCLES OF ABUSE??!??!?!??!!??!