When Positivity Isn’t Always So Positive
“As he that taketh away a garment in cold weather, and as vinegar upon nitre, so is he that sings songs to a heavy heart.” -Proverbs 25:20
Sometimes, when someone is going through a hard time, the last thing they want to hear is “you can do it” or “it’ll get better.” Sometimes, it isn’t going to get better, it is going to get worse. Also, even if it is going to get better, that person is probably in the middle of a dark tunnel, and you can see the light, but they can’t. In that case, “I’m here for you” or “What can I do?” or “Let’s make a plan for this worst possible scenario you’re worried about” is a lot more helpful than encouraging them to have blind faith or boundless positivity.
Vinegar is an acidic and corrosive agent. “Nitre” is something akin to concrete. Vinegar actually eats into and corrodes concrete. Positivity can feel incredibly grating to someone who is suffering. There is a reason we want to listen to sad songs when we’re sad. It’s a comfort. It’s like a “garment in cold weather.” If you are expressing aggressive merriment, cheer, or positivity to someone who is in crisis, it can be incredibly—albeit unintentionally— disconcerting.
Sometimes, the best thing you can do Is say nothing.
I will never forget how when a friend of mine was having a hard time, and I said, “I’m sorry you’re having a hard time.” and he said, “I don’t want to hear about sorry right now.” He apologized in the end, but it was really me who was in the wrong, and I told him so.
When you say “sorry” you both imply pity—which is not what I meant to convey in my case—or you’re making it about you, because usually when someone says, “sorry” the impulse is to reassure them by saying, “it’s okay.” If someone has to tell you, “it’s okay” when they themselves are not okay, that is emotional labor that they shouldn’t have to be making. So, even though, I kind of already knew that “sorry” was shitty, I really knew after that. It was just that I felt stuck and didn’t know what to say, but I did want to convey my concern.
You have a few options in that case.
1) Leave them alone/give them space
2) When it’s appropriate, tell them that you’re there if they need to talk about whatever is bothering them
Context: Right now, I have a [different] friend that is going through a shitty financial situation. I not only sympathize, but I deeply empathize with the situation because I have had similar woes. When you don’t know how you’re going to make ends meet, it’s an all-consuming thought. Saying “it’ll get better” or “you’ll make it through” feels like it rings so incredibly hollow. I encouraged this friend to lean on the support of friends and use his community resources if things get to be really bad.
It’s hard, because I’m a person who wants so bad to “fix it” when I really care about people. A lot of the time, though, people—especially men, in my experience—tend to kind of “clam up” or “shut down” when times are hard. They go inward. Sometimes, when that happens, all you can do is be there until they are ready to let you back in. People have to fight their own battles. You can’t make them fight. You just have to say, “I’m here.”
Some doctors encourage their patients to actually lean into their feelings of depression when they start to arise. Draw the curtains. Listen to sad music. Curl up in bed with your stuffed animals. The key is feeling the feelings, in the moment, and then letting them go.
Detachment.
It is, however, not your place to tell someone when or how to detach. You cannot tell them, “Okay, your time for mourning is up.” They are allowed to exist in that moment and feel whatever feelings they need to feel. I know it hurts to see them suffer, but your duty to them is to allow them to feel the pain that they need to feel. Sometimes being able to say, “Man, that sucks” can be more helpful than, “Cheer up, it’ll get better!” People want their feelings to be acknowledged.
Or, they just want to figure it out on their own. Whichever.
You aren’t always going to get it right. If someone tells you, “That isn’t helpful for me” don’t take it as a personal attack. Be honored that they were honest enough to tell you how you messed it up and seek to do better next time.
Also, this is not an absolute rule. There is a place for encouragement and positivity. Just make sure that you aren’t just mouthing platitudes, but you are really approaching each person or situation in the unique way that they deserve.