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When Positivity Isn’t Always So Positive

“As he that taketh away a garment in cold weather, and as vinegar upon nitre, so is he that sings songs to a heavy heart.” -Proverbs 25:20

Sometimes, when someone is going through a hard time, the last thing they want to hear is “you can do it” or “it’ll get better.” Sometimes, it isn’t going to get better, it is going to get worse. Also, even if it is going to get better, that person is probably in the middle of a dark tunnel, and you can see the light, but they can’t. In that case, “I’m here for you” or “What can I do?” or “Let’s make a plan for this worst possible scenario you’re worried about” is a lot more helpful than encouraging them to have blind faith or boundless positivity.

Vinegar is an acidic and corrosive agent. “Nitre” is something akin to concrete. Vinegar actually eats into and corrodes concrete. Positivity can feel incredibly grating to someone who is suffering. There is a reason we want to listen to sad songs when we’re sad. It’s a comfort. It’s like a “garment in cold weather.” If you are expressing aggressive merriment, cheer, or positivity to someone who is in crisis, it can be incredibly—albeit unintentionally— disconcerting.

Sometimes, the best thing you can do Is say nothing.

I will never forget how when a friend of mine was having a hard time, and I said, “I’m sorry you’re having a hard time.” and he said, “I don’t want to hear about sorry right now.” He apologized in the end, but it was really me who was in the wrong, and I told him so.

When you say “sorry” you both imply pity—which is not what I meant to convey in my case—or you’re making it about you, because usually when someone says, “sorry” the impulse is to reassure them by saying, “it’s okay.” If someone has to tell you, “it’s okay” when they themselves are not okay, that is emotional labor that they shouldn’t have to be making. So, even though, I kind of already knew that “sorry” was shitty, I really knew after that. It was just that I felt stuck and didn’t know what to say, but I did want to convey my concern.

You have a few options in that case.

1) Leave them alone/give them space

2) When it’s appropriate, tell them that you’re there if they need to talk about whatever is bothering them

Context: Right now, I have a [different] friend that is going through a shitty financial situation. I not only sympathize, but I deeply empathize with the situation because I have had similar woes. When you don’t know how you’re going to make ends meet, it’s an all-consuming thought. Saying “it’ll get better” or “you’ll make it through” feels like it rings so incredibly hollow. I encouraged this friend to lean on the support of friends and use his community resources if things get to be really bad.

It’s hard, because I’m a person who wants so bad to “fix it” when I really care about people. A lot of the time, though, people—especially men, in my experience—tend to kind of “clam up” or “shut down” when times are hard. They go inward. Sometimes, when that happens, all you can do is be there until they are ready to let you back in. People have to fight their own battles. You can’t make them fight. You just have to say, “I’m here.”

Some doctors encourage their patients to actually lean into their feelings of depression when they start to arise. Draw the curtains. Listen to sad music. Curl up in bed with your stuffed animals. The key is feeling the feelings, in the moment, and then letting them go.

Detachment.

It is, however, not your place to tell someone when or how to detach. You cannot tell them, “Okay, your time for mourning is up.” They are allowed to exist in that moment and feel whatever feelings they need to feel. I know it hurts to see them suffer, but your duty to them is to allow them to feel the pain that they need to feel. Sometimes being able to say, “Man, that sucks” can be more helpful than, “Cheer up, it’ll get better!” People want their feelings to be acknowledged.

Or, they just want to figure it out on their own. Whichever.

You aren’t always going to get it right. If someone tells you, “That isn’t helpful for me” don’t take it as a personal attack. Be honored that they were honest enough to tell you how you messed it up and seek to do better next time.

Also, this is not an absolute rule. There is a place for encouragement and positivity. Just make sure that you aren’t just mouthing platitudes, but you are really approaching each person or situation in the unique way that they deserve.

#when being positive is bad #negative positivity #you don't ALWAYS have to look on the brightside of life #no upside #being there for people #how to encourage people #giving people space #letting people lead their own lives #don't be codependent #how to be a good friend #support system #support network #being supportive #financial worries #living with depression #detachment

me, alienating my toxic friends and sabotaging my forced relationships one by one

#pears #wine #negative positivity #somehow

Ok, people.. I’m out for today. My conclusion: I don’t know anything. I haven’t let go of all my hope, but I certainly lost my faith and trust in them. And that’s kind of good. I’m calm now. I’m not crying, I’m not hyperventilating. Whatever happens on Sunday, what they did today was cruel. And I’m mad. Why do we rely on them so much to represent us? Why don’t we do it ourselves? We are able to make history. We probably already have. Yes, the show brought us all together, but this community helped so many young queer people to come to terms with their sexuality, their personality (including myself). My happiness does not depend on this show. So I will just drink my tea, love my tea, love my gayness, love myself. Because that’s important. Because I can. What happens on Sunday does not change how much this community has helped me. We are able to produce the content we want to see ourselves and not rely on anyone else. And this is most certainly a goal in my life now. Please think about it. We’ve already created one of the most intellectually stimulating environments I’ve ever witnessed. And we were just going mad over one TV-Show. Imagine what we could do. So.. I always wanted to be a writer, now I sure as hell will be and I will write things as gay as you can imagine. Consider doing the same. Think about all the things we could do. So take a fucking sip and make history.

I wanna thank @skulls-and-tea for the wonderful music, it really helped calming me down. I wanna thank the tjlc-supportgroup-crew, @the-abominable-brides @sherlockdramaturgy @witch-lock and @tjlgay, I love you guys. You srsly helped me getting through this mess of a day. I wanna thank @kimbiablue, because you were the first person to integrate me in this fandom. I’m also tagging @a-headless-nun and @maggiemay67 because you seemed really down and this is my way of being positive.

I don’t think I will be much on Tumblr till Sunday, because it fucks me up how much this fucked me up.

#sherlock #tfp #tjlc #negative positivity