#don't reply.

[ciaran]

not that it matters but i really can't win w my parents lol which is fine if it's between me & my mom because i know it and i don't have to overthink it. but then my dad tries to get involved in arguments between us and now i lowkey want to kms. I'm sure this is actually bc I'm hungry and took a nap at the wrong time than indicative of any deeper issues but it still sucks

[mysteriousblake]

This website is often some of my very little catharthis. I know it is healthier to talk to someone about my problems. But, after the last time someone fucked me over by doing so... yea, no. No one really cares or at least no one wants to care for the full length of time I have issues. Which... is always. So.

I suppose it’s appropriate in a weird way to bastardize this blog into being a replacement friend. I often wonder about this whole concept of “real friends” people preach to me. I never believed friends really could withstand the force of someone who will never be in a better place. Guess I was right as always.

It’s depressing being right. I hold my tongue when I’m not well enough to provide encouragement to others. I don’t believe in the idea that just because I’m in a worse place others aren’t allowed to vent. And anyone who tries to preach that to me will just be scoffed because I know they aren’t in a worse place. By their rules I get to choose, and I choose that all hurts can be valid.

Instead, I distance myself slowly. Hiding any reference to being mad or sad away. Holding in everything when I want nothing more than to talk to someone. But that someone is not a real person.

Lovers are a figment. Close friends are a lie. Partners are a spoof.

Sound waves of music are realer than human touch could be.

They form deep bushing against all I have to feel with.

I bled out my neck the other day as a simple mistake.

But all I could think was that I needed to drive deeper.

I forced myself to sleep just to dodge the painful truth.

I find time and time again lies are truth to everyone else.

Do you think my state of being okay is real to them?

Do you think they blind themselves to me to make their truth?

“There will be a light at the end of the tunnel.” I was promised.

I guess all good promises are meant to be broken.

I know the right answer is to cut open my neck fully.

Hahah, maybe that is the great big joke of all of this.

Because some say before you die you see a bright light.

A promise fulfilled in the one way I was told not to travel.

[halfscorpion]

oh my god. i really am the worst. i’m so sorry.

i keep distancing myself from others, and yet i also keep losing all the people i care for the most. i do so much bullshit without thinking and then i say sorry for all of it as if it matters.

i lost my own lover. my bestest friend. i didn’t realize what i was doing was wrong. i would give up the world for him but instead i fucking ruined him. all his friends are even saying he should block me. i thought i knew what i was doing but i’m actually a fucking idiot scumbag. i can’t fix this. i can’t fix anything anymore. no amount of apologies is going to fix it. i lost him. i lost him and i regret everything so much.

i’m so sorry. i really am.

[kodama-ryo]

I’d feel better if I had a companion to share a bed with for a night or two. I just need sleep.

[sammichkhaleesi-blog]

My friend just asked me why I'm so against wearing red today. Why I won't "unify with the community". 

My response? 

It's a public woe me cry in my opinion. Half he people wearing red really want the cause and the other half are just wearing it because it's a trend. Of course I want equality, and I might even want to get married one day. But wearing red next to some twink who is just going to call me ugly and obese tomorrow is not my definition of unity in the gay community. 

[annabelle-collier]

Once A Month Nightmare.

"No, no, NOOOOOOOOOOO, he can't be dead. I was with him on my birthday. How can you tell me that my boyfriend is dead. First my best friend comes to my house and tells me that her brother. which is my boyfriend, went missing a couple days after my birthday. That is just FUCKING RIDICULOUS. Now you are telling me that you found a burnt body that could be Roux's? WHAT KIND OF FUCKING INVESTIGATORS ARE YOU? That can't be his body that you have found. IT CAN'T!!! I know he is still alive, God Dammit." Crying into her best friends arms, Annabelle wanted to run foe her life. Not wanting to get near anyone in particular just wanting to go back to the spot where Roux took her that morning for her birthday. Seeing the sunrise with him was all she wanted to re-live. Screaming constantly into her beset friends arms. She ball all crumpled up into a ball on the floor and Kelsii holding her tightly. Hearing her shushes and rocking back and forth to comfort her. Looking back at the investigators "I want to see the body. TAKE ME TO SEE HIS BODY, NOW!" She didn't care who she was yelling at. She didn't care if she would get arrested by them. Annabelle couldn't handle herself. She wanted to see him one last time. She didn't care how burnt he was, she wanted to say good bye. Hearing a person walking through the doors and talking to their colleagues. After the person was talking to them, Annabelle heard foot steps coming towards her. She looked up to see who was approaching her. It was a female investigator. She knelt down next to Annabelle and Kelsii. "Come on, I'll take you to him." The female got up and started walking to the door. Annabelle got up quickly and looked at her. She offered her friend her hand and she took it. Holding each other and following the lady out the door.

Walking down a white walled hallway with no pictures hanging on the wall. Fluorescent lights blinking and some were brighter than others. Their footsteps echoed through the halls. "The only reason we know its Roux is through his dental records. In my opinion it seemed he got into a fight. He lost a lot of teeth. When you see his body its pretty gruesome. It's all burnt to no recognition." Listening to the female in front of her as she lead them to his body. She didn't know what to expect. She only pictured burnt bodies from different countries that people did for pleasure. She thought of their mouths, it was wide open as if the person was screaming to their death. She held her friends arm tighter.

Walking through swinging doors, they have entered a room with a single lamp hanging over the body that was in the center of the room. It was covered up with a single white sheet from head to toes. Annabelle let go of her friends arm and walked by the lady to get to the body. She looked back and they were gone. Confused she started calling for them but no one answered her. She looked back at the body and walked up to the side of the metal table. Reaching at the head of the sheet grabbing the material and pulled it down to the mid section of the burnt body. All she saw was a char coaled body lying in front of her. It was all shriveled up and barbequed. It seemed as if it didn't have any eyes and the mouth was open, slightly She could only smell burnt flesh and it almost made her vomit. Looking for any recognition of Roux's features but of coarse she couldn't find any. She started to cry again and she didn't know where the lady and her friend went off too. She started to turn around and head back where she came from but next thing she knew the char coaled body's hand grabbed her arm and it's eyes flicked wide open. It turned to face her and she screamed. Trying to wriggle her arm off its grip.

Annabelle woke up from her nightmare, her body was sweaty and her heart was racing. She never felt so out of breath, she tried to calm herself down. Looking around her dark room to find anything out of the ordinary. She see that her door started to open and Annabelle was about to scream again but once the lights were flicked on, she saw it was her roommate, Dominic. She saw him scan the room to see what could have startled her but he saw nothing. He rushed to Annabelle's side and sat next to her on her bed. "Are you alright? I heard your screams from the garage. It sounded like you were being tortured. What is a nightmare?" She bursted into tears. Feeling Dominic's arms go around her and he pulled her to him. Sniffling she started to talk to him. "Dom it was horrible. I keep getting these dreams about my dead boyfriend. These dreams appear every once a month and today was no different. It's the anniversary of his death. Dom his body was horrible. All burnt up. It was unrecognizable. Then he grabbed my arm and looked at me. I MEAN LOOKED AT ME! He had a death grip and wouldn't let me go. I was told to move on but how can I? I have a feeling that he is alive and that body, the investigators claim, isn't him. These dreams of him that I have makes it hard for me to move on." Crying harder into Dominic's arms, she couldn't control the spasms of her sobs. Tears kept coming down her face and Dominic kept swiping them away. "Everyone back home thinks I had something to do with his death. Camera crews and people asking me questions about him. They asked me on the thought of why I killed him. There was always hate mail sent to me. My parents were there the whole time and so was his. They all comfort me when I was the one to comfort his family. I guess they saw how broke down and miserable I was. He went missing two days after my birthday, then they found his car at a lake that was near my house. Two weeks later they found his body. I saw it and now its embedded in my mind. It haunts me through my dreams. I will never live with myself." Feeling so guilty and started to cry again. She had nothing to do with his death. She didn't know why everyone was hating her. "I never told anyone about this. I just wanted to move on. Moving here was suppose to be a fresh start. But I guess I was wrong. I guess I have to live with all the nightmares once a month like a period." Telling Dominic was a reliever. So much emotion that was building up and every time she saw a couple, she felt her heart brake into more pieces. Always with a smile on her face and cheery, she didn't want anyone seeing her the way she is now. "You are the only person I've told." Letting go of Dominic, she got off her bed and went down stairs to get a glass of water. Annabelle stayed in the kitchen for an extra few minutes trying to recollect herself.

Back into her room seeing Dominic still sitting on her bed. "You can go. I'm fine now. Thanks for listening." Moving forward to her bed crawling over Dominic to get to her side and waited for him to get up and leave. She thought that he was leaving, instead he turned off the lights, opened the door a bit and her pups came running and jumped on her bed. "I think as you as my sister now. I'm not leaving until you fall asleep." Watching him crawl onto her bed next to her and the pups. He put his arm under her shoulder and yanked her to him. Having her head on his chest and hearing his heart beat was soothing. She went under in a matter of minutes.

[haisesthetics]

Ohgod. I've been so much more mentally disturbed than I first thought.

Please get the hell out of my heart and my head. You're not helping in my condition.