(63) For the sixty-third, I stick the tip of my pointer finger under your collar to pull you closer, and use my other hand to give you some ear scritches. You should be careful not to let the petting get to you too much, the fingernail under your collar could leave a scratch easily…
If you leave a scratch on me, my Owner is gonna be soooo mad at you btw. My skin is for her to put her marks on.
I just found a version (because no one ever believed me when I said there were at least 2 different recordings of it and I got in many an argument back in the day on message boards because of it) of an AFI B Side I heard a couple times then scoured, looked everywhere, and found myself in some pretty shady reaches of the Internet trying to get but could never find again. WELL I FUCKING FOUND IT AT LEAST 12 YEARS LATER AND I AM LITERALLY SOBBING.
I swear to god if you go to my school and you read this I will punch you in the face.
(if any of the rest of you read this I am really impressed)
This weekend has been incredibly upsetting. I went shopping with my ex girl friend who I broke up with because her eating disorder was extremely triggering and because she was always urging me to go into recovery and it was just so annoying because meanwhile I knew how little she'd been eating or keeping down. And it sucked because then when we went to get coffee I thought to myself "You know, today's been a long day and I don't want to trigger her so I'll make sure I get a drink with calories in it" so I got a pumpkin spice latte with non fat milk which I rarely ever let myself enjoy something like that and then when the guy asked if I wanted whipped cream on it I said yes with a big smile.
And then she ordered the same thing without the whipped cream (after sort of having a tiny complaint how they didn't offer them 'skinny') and that was just like a punch to my face trigger like what. the. hell.
(goddamnshebarelyevendrankit)
And I finally decided that I would bring up seeing a doctor about possibly getting some medication or any sort of help for my possible add, with my mom. Because lately it has been getting so bad and I looked up the symptoms and I have basically all of them and I just want to be able to concentrate on something. And she basically said how "I was a good student so I didn't need it" and listed off how she has symptoms of ADD and how she's fine. This felt like a slap in the face too because my old therapist had suggested I bring it up and it wasn't even as bad then. Nowadays I open my book and literally (god i wish I were exaggertaing) sit there for three hours not doing it because I can't concentrate (not even going on the internet instead--just sitting there) and I don't pay attention in a single class. And my friends have even noticed how I can't pay attention in class at all and ugh. I just hate it so much. This is like how when my english teacher called my mom and basically told her I have an eating disorder my mom thought she was 'over exaggerating' and how after my mom got multiple calls about me cutting she later mentioned how she didn't think anti-depressants were necessary for people and I hate it because I know they would help me so much or hell, they would have been helpful when I was always convincing myself not to kill myself.
Ugh. And then going back to my freaking friend. She does not understand what the hell triggers me. Like how the hell is it *not* triggering to take your medication that makes you lose your appetite during lunch when you are sitting in plane sight of me and then just move your food around like UGH WHAT THE HELL OF COURSE I'M FUCKING TRIGGERED.
And today I got my nutcracker results back. And I'm a flower garland (which is apparently en pointe) and I'm also in Arabian Corp with one other person (so there's the two Arabian soloists, a demi soloist, two of us in the core, and the scarf/basket girls which are younger) and I don't think that's en pointe. So part of me is pretty happy because I'm not a hoop angel (the worst part ever-what I got last year) and Arabian has pretty costumes and it means they think I'm flexible, but on the other hand, I feel horrible because this means they didn't think I was good enough to get two parts en pointe and I don't think arabian corp really does much, especially since now we have a male soloist plus a female soloist AND a demi soloist so it's not like i'm going to do anything at all...
and everyone else in my class who auditioned is a flower garland and a pointe angel (and one girl is even a snow soloist understudy) so I feel like shit about that
and earlier this weekend I felt semi okay about my body but right now I feel like utter shit about it and I just want to skip school tomorrow and sleep or better yet disappear. I seriously don't want to do any of this.
guys I still have a crapton of math homework to do, an essay to prepare for, some spanish homework- I don't even know what, and government homework. And a shitton of college apps I need to get done asap like really freakingsoon.
And I don't want to eat tomorrow or ever but I know I will and i hate that too because I am so goddamn fat and I don't even deserve it.
and my boyfriend is calling me. but phonecalls make me nervous unless you are my sister, my mom, or my dad so I can't get myself to answer and I think I'm going to break up with my boyfriend because we're rarely able to talk (even through text) and it's all my fault.
but I know I should call him to break up with him (he's in college a couple hours away) but going back to my phone anxiety...that's really hard for me to do.
can someone shoot me to put me out of my misery?
I know I forgot what stuff I needed to rant about in here and I jumped around and I'm sorry
