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02/14/2024
one month with rein. im scared again. i feel like i need to walk on eggshells today. i'd do anything to keep him. please, lord, let me keep him. let me have him inside and around me for a lifetime. don't i deserve this? this love? this miracle? i'm happy. let me pray for him forever. let me rest my cheek by his shoulder forever. let me have him. i don't want this to end. i want to be happy. i will be.
01/04/2024
i bled today. thank god. i can start my birth control now. life is changing rapidly. i'd be lying i said i am not crumbling at the thought of it. change. maybe it's because now i am loved tremendously, and change is only natural to natural beings. thesis writing makes me want to die. i wanna get my boyfriend something special. like my hair on a heart locket. or my blood on a vial. or a scarler letter tattoo. there is no affair, of course. only heaven. and sands of time. and names of unplanned, unborn children eating away from my body and happiness. i'm kidding, of course. i want him as my family. been thinking about elijah again. i wish i could say sorry. i wish i could be a better person. i kinda want him back as a friend, but i feel like i'm betraying my friends and myself with that thought. i mourn his poetry. i mourn the way he loves. he's always been right. there is no one like him. i wish he loved me as a friend. but it's ok. time is seeping. i will find more poet friends. i will be happy. rein said our future daughter's name would be Aevi Magdalene Cumbe. i love that. i don't need to see my grandfather's surname in it. magdalene is enough. amen.
01/31/24
why am i always writing this a day late? yesterday was the day i lost my virginity, and it was an esoteric experience. i feel empty without my boyfriend inside me. like st. therese of lisieux without her penetratative visions. i don't know how i've existed without him. without this overwhelming feeling of fullness. i never knew i was incomplete until i felt the loss of him pulling out. god, i wish i can keep him forever. i wish i was ceaselessly beneath him, entwined with him in every sense, breathing with his breaths. how is love this full? this impregnating? i love him so much. i want to be whole again. i want to be full again. i want him thoroughly. him outside of my body and mind is a phantom pain. how do i live without rein as my limb?
01/19/2024
i can't stop thinking about yesterday. he took me to a mermaid motel. we made siren songs out of each other's bodies. his lips and teeth are still on me, but i miss him terribly. i want his breaths. i want his weight. i want his hands. all on me. mine. mine. mine. i feel orphaned, phantomed by his absence. there are hickeys all over my chest. i want them to turn into his face. fuck. does he know how badly i am left breathless by this pining? does he know how much i love him? how much i want to feed him? fold his clothes? make his bed? i want him. him. him. him. lord jesus christ, son of god, have mercy on me. let me have him for as long as your divinity allows. have mercy on him. disallow him to exist without a love as burning as mine for him.
01/16/2024
samgyup revelations. everything feels freeing. i have hope for myself and my friend group for the first time in a long while. they're such good people. i can't believe i've said mean things about them. i am a bad person. but i'm still young. i have time. i can change, and i will. i will be better. rein believes in me, and somehow my friends do too. i am free. everything is settling. new years fire crackers cling to one another to form a brighter tomorrow. i can't blame elijah for the way that i am, but i also cannot say sorry. i just have to be better. i bought a new poetry book, and it's been disappointing, but i'll finish it tomorrow. i know i can. i know i will.
01/15/2024
i told him i loved him yesterday. we went out and had our first kiss (and many others). i almost ruined it with my emotional motion sickness because i saw his wallpaper and it was from his ex. i'm so phoebe bridgers. it hurt so much for no reason. what's wrong with me? why do i always have to think about the worst things? i'm back in manila though, so it's easier to be happy. and we patched things up, i think. i hope he still likes me. i'm a lot. i deserve to disappear. no. i deserve to be happy. it's my great-grandmother's 91st birthday today, and i won't be there.
01/10/2024
i slept too early to write an entry yesterday & now i'm sleepy again. yesterday, i hung out with soli and kat. they were still obviously so ill. but also very kind and compassionate. i understood them. they understood me. today, just found divinity in humanity through this book i'm reading. tomorrow will be more exciting, i hope.
01/08/2024
i love being in love with rein (i have finally decided on a nickname). i simply cannot wait to tell him of this love. love will feel even better when it's shared, i think. softness melts me, but he is always there to catch me as i drip. i hope he is always there. i hope i melt more. i want to catch him as well. sometimes i wonder why he even likes me. he is so eloquent. i forget my metaphors when i speak to him. i hope he does not think me a fool. i just wish to know everything from him. things always sound so much better when it's from him. like love and hope and happiness. talking to him feels like bathing. i want him through and through, and i hope he knows that even subconsciously.
