#doomed diary entry

[doomeddiary]

guy said can we talk, i said can we do it on wednesday, bc i wanted time to get my shit in order so im not incandescently angry. still angry though. messaged him today like okay so when do you wanna talk. no response. i might gnaw my own fingers off

[doomeddiary]

Doing quite badly and am now agitated and aggravated on top of everything else. I've been telling my friends that I'm very depressed and not doing well. I haven't been talking to people much. Am eating and sleeping less. Doing the classic shit of withdrawing so I don't bother people with my palpable malaise and lack of zest for life.

And still one of my friends sent me this long whining paragraph about me not paying attention to him as if I haven't been fighting to brush my teeth every night, and it just makes me so angry, honestly. Every time he asked me how I was doing I said I was doing badly. That I was depressed, and tired, and that I was drinking to cope. I stopped talking to him first because I just didn't have the energy and it always made me feel worse because during every conversation he would keep pushing me to act as normal and I couldn't, it felt like I was reciting hollow lines and it only made the disconnect I felt from my body worse.

I guess I just wanted to be left alone. Some space to breathe and recover without needing to recite lines. Maybe I should have said that. I did try to, but I worded it vaguely and with too many metaphors so I can't really blame him for not getting it.

I guess I didn't want to hurt his feelings by stating plainly that talking to him makes me feel worse. I don't know. I don't feel like a person right now, I feel like a wounded sick animal and I don't want to talk about sex or love or life or anything I just want to stop hurting and he makes feel worse

[doomeddiary]

I sent a bunch of pictures of myself and other alters when they'd been fronting (and dressed the body accordingly) to my boytoy and he said that he could see the difference based on "the look in their eyes" with this tinge of something akin to fascination and awe. It's kind of weird being this open with someone, especially about OSDD. It helps that he's been very understanding but there's still moments where I'm expecting him to go "that's too strange/too much/too unusual" and it hasn't happened.

He's said that he feels similarly, that I've been nice and understanding to a degree that he finds uncomfortable and scary, in the sense that hes so unused to it and can't really wrap his head around the fact that I'm just not really all that judgemental.

[doomeddiary]

Hey sorry for switching multiple times and being disoriented scared and confused for ten minutes of total silence intercut with barely audible breathing. Sorry for forgetting you. Sorry for not believing that you knew and that it was ok to talk about the voices. Do you still think I'm hot

[doomeddiary]

~ aesthetic blog, +18 only, no age in bio = swift block

we reblog fashion, nature, animals, latex, leather, blood, knives, hot people, etc

insects and blood are rarely tagged (we have memory problems) so follow at your own risk.

blacklist #doomeddesires to avoid seeing nsfw posts

[doomeddiary]

We're both tops and he thinks its funny to make jokes about me fucking him raw as if it doesn't immediately derail my entire train of thought. I'm trying to have a conversation and now my HUD is being taken up by a vivid daydream of fucking his hole loose and hearing him whine and moan helplessly the whole time

[doomeddiary]

He says sorry for not messaging me as much one day, and i tell him not to apologize for not being glued to his phone and that i dont mind. I mean what i say which is why i say it, and we talk normally afterwards. and then i am thinking about the implications; that he normally wants to talk all the time or perhaps it is obligation, or is that what he normally wants to do? does him not talking as much today mean he doesnt want to talk is he mad at me do i miss him if i hadnt said anything would he have talked more today is he mad at me he seemed kind of aloof but theres also that hes been very stressed and tired and I know he said he liked talking to me but what if he changed his mind.

I didnt used to care if he messaged me throughout the day now im so acutely aware of its silence or the gaps if it means this or that its like everyday i become aware of something i never thought about and i don't understand what it means or implies and I don't know what to make of its presence/absence and i just dont know and i dont think asking would really help.

We both have bad anxiety, if i break the seal now and start asking for rebuttals to every anxious thought how long until we breakdown to a mutual exchange of constantly going "are you mad at me are you mad at me are you mad at me are you mad at me are you mad at me are you mad at me are you mad at me are you mad at me are you mad at me are you mad at me are you mad at me are you mad at me are you mad at me are you mad at me are you mad at me are you mad at me are you mad at me are you mad at me are you mad at me are you mad at me are you mad at me are you mad at me are you mad at me are you mad at me are you mad at me are you mad at me are you mad at me are you mad at me are you mad at me are you mad at me are you mad at me are you mad at me are you mad at me are you mad at me are you mad at me are you mad at me are you mad at me are you mad at me are you mad at me"

[doomeddiary]

I pretty recently came across one of those ask game posts and in the format of "what color am i" with an edited png full of custom responses by the op and many of them were racy~~~ (breeding+watersports+more uwu) but one of them said something along the lines of "i want you to kidnap me and turn me into a snuff film star" and that made me go hmmm. Let me go and check this blog and see if what im feeling is the internal ping of intuitive pattern recognition or if this is something else, and as I'd come to find out no, miss mamas did have incest+rape paraphilias. Sad! Demoralizing! Blocked immediately! But i was still thinking about it.

(Readmore bc this gets long and rambly and tmi, cw for discussion on sexualized violence and mildly self fellating reflection over the nature of it and whatnot)

And i was thinking on how the first thing that made me pause was the innocent almost coquettish usage of "snuff" as a sexy fun cute concept, and trying to figure out what was the difference between her fetishization and eroticizing of violence and my own sexual proclivities.

Like being tmi open and honest mask off etc etc, I am heavily into bdsm, and i also love body horror. i adore blood and gore and guts and whatnot on an aesthetic and sexual level. It is largely fantasy as many of the plays id like to do are not safe or sane and i take safety very seriously, but its still something i know i am deeply attracted to and find erotic to fantasize about. So I did notice the parallels of my own deviant~ sexual tastes and hers, and i was upset and uncomfortable with those similarities bc again miss mamas is out here posting about wanting to rape st*ve h*rrington off ST like EEP... JEEPERS! and i wanted to unpack that thought and what real differences there were between these kinds of fantasies, and while my friends reassured me with "nooo youre into it differently/they're just doing it different" i didn't like the vagueness, because what is the difference?

And well I figured out pretty quickly and swiftly that it is ofc consent, which is funny given the context of "how are thy violent sexual fantasies different from thine" but yeah, while I am very into the idea of gore and blood and mutilation, it's only if like, my sub is also into it. And that they're miraculously ok afterwards. I am barred from ever being able to do any of my dream plays in real life because it would not be safe and anyone who would consent to them would probably have such a damaged or altered state of mind that any "consent" would be null and void so while its slightly embarrassing to admit, most of the time i envision fictional characters who are functionally unkillable due to some kind of heal ability or resurrection mechanic where they're not only able to enthusiastically consent but theyre ALSO ok afterwards! And its not my sole source of pleasure, i like vanilla sex as much as anyone, but it is one of those things that i know i love but will never indulge in, because i cannot and will not seriously maim or injure another person.

Anyways, all that to say that whenever i run across the "snuff as a cute sexy thing" girlies its pretty clear that the finality and lack of consent is the main draw. The idea of having your autonomy stripped from you or others as it would happen in real life is what is attractive and that will just never sit right with me, it is so clearly unsettling and unattractive to me. And yes, on its face they are both violent sexual fantasies that she likely won't be indulging in either, and I do not doubt that most regular everyday people would find my proclivities just as frightening no matter how fervently i reiterated how I'd never hurt a fly etc etc, but to me, the fetishization of removing consent is a significant aspect.

So, returning to the "snuff" aspect. The way i see it and rationalize it to myself, these kinds of crimes of violent misogyny and femicide happen literally everyday and are not titillating and having that kind of violence and removal of consent be such a central part of your sexuality is different, it changes the context of everything, I don't care anymore that it's just a "fantasy" because what you're really fantasizing about is emblematic at its core of the real violence worldwide. No fucking wonder she also had incest+rape paraphilias. Anyways.

tl;dr my sexualized violent fantasy is better than yours because the people in my imaginary fantasy fully consent and are having fun and we're all going to kiss and cuddle afterwards