#dragonborn diary

[dragonborndiary]

Dear Diary,

I'm disappointed to report that this whole quest has been for naught. There I was, gallantly destroying the fuck out of Miraak, about to take a very satisfying death blow. Then, low and behold, that gods damed pile of eyeballs showed up, with a less than dramatic tentacle stab to Miraak's heart, and completely stole my thunder. I mean, why have someone go through all the trouble that I did to get rid of biggest disappointment of a servant if you were just gonna do it yourself, anyway? There was no reason for me to even step foot in this ashy armpit of Tamriel to get black lung, after all. Just a giant waste of my time. Could someone please give me a noble task to complete for once? Killing Alduin was pretty noble. Probably the only noble thing there has been to do to date. I can't wait to get back to Skyrim. I'm starting to miss the whiners with the easy problems to solve.

[dragonborndiary]

Dear Diary,

As I sit in my cushy Beeezehome, and contemplate the events that have unraveled in Solstheim, there is really only one thing that I can't seem to get off my mind. The fact that these robes that I took from Miraak smell of old moldy books and tentical entrails. But damn are they comfy.

[dragonborndiary]

Dear Diary,

I think I may have hit my midlife crisis a bit early. I blame the absolute incompetence of Tamriel and the fact that not a single other person can get anything done around here. I have taken a sabbatical from my questing to do a few things for myself. It's not as if Miraak is posing any immediate danger, anyway. Ok, yes he is. But I've lost all my fucks somewhere. They must have gotten fus'ed off a mountain, or something, with a goat. I've since left Serana in Solstheim to send word to me should it seem that manure will be hitting the windmill, while I spent some "me" time in Skyrim. I found a crazy lady hiding amongst the Thievs Guild that gave me the most ultimate of makeovers. Let's be honest; I was already Skyrim's most beautiful maiden. But now? Divines can't even compare. Bards are singing about my hair, alone! I've also had an amicable split with my Husband, Vilkas. We didn't have a strong foundation to begin with. It was all infatuation. So, I traded him in for a younger model. And, boy, could Kaidan be a model. Tall, dark, handsome, great hair, amazing red Akaviri eyes. I'm almost certain that he's not a rebound husband. We have a quint little home in Iverstead. I'm not quite sure why, though. It's the shittiest of all the 'steads. Anyway, I recently recieved a letter from Serana. Manure is hitting the windmill in Solstheim, so it's back to questing for the Nordic Hippies to solve yet someone else's problem. So excited. (Sarcasm) I truly can't wait for my next midlife crisis. Maybe I'll actually be middle aged for it.

[dragonborndiary]

Dear Diary,

I found a dragon to try the Bend Will shout on, so that he can give me a ride to Miraak. I'm very excited to actually ride a dragon instead of kill it. I wonder if I can create a dragon army and rule Skyrim. I'll have to look into that. One thing I'm bummed about, though, is the fact that the dragon I came across has some severe dental issues and a wretched underbite. So much for arriving to the Miraak party in style.

[dragonborndiary]

Dear Diary,

I have deduced that nothing good can come from reading books. Every time I do I'm transported to a place with grody tentacles as far as the eye can see. I'd rather visit Elsweyr. I should mention that I'm deathly allergic to cats. However, it is fun to keep a khajiit occupied with a mage light spell. They'll chase it around for hours.

Well, I guess I'm off to find Miraak. I wonder if he is actually some kind of tentacle beast. Like a weresquid. Gods, I hope not.

[dragonborndiary]

Dear Diary,

The next step in the plan to defeat Miraak was to get Hippie Nord secrets for that boring eyeball soup guy. There couldn't be any harm in that, right? Boy, was I wrong. It turns out getting secrets actually translates to eviscerating tentacle death to the clan shaman. I'm pretty sure Frea will never talk to me again. But that's probably a good thing seeing as I can't really stand her voice. I guess that's my silver lining. I also learned more of the bend will shout that will help me be able to make a dragon my bitch and find Miraak. I'm off to read a book now, because, you know, that's where people hide now...in books. My life is weird.

[dragonborndiary]

Dear Diary, I once again got to visit my sarcastic and miserable friend, Neloth. He is, by far, my favorite person on Nirn. He helped us get this horrible black book from a Dwemer ruin. The task was a complete pain the ass that consisted of playing some strange kind of what-cube-goes-where game and swimming through a Dwemer ruin. Yes, we swam through the damn building. Because that makes a crap ton of sense. Take a structure that's made primarily of metal and give it the capacity to fill completely with water, because, you know, rust is a thing. I swear, the Dwemer didn't disappear, they died from stupidity. They were a race that built robots and the robots became smarter and murdered them all. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Anyway, now I'm going to jump into this book and kill a raging douche canoe.

[dragonborndiary]

Dear Diary, Where has the time gone?! Storn Crag-Strider invited us into his home after our success at killing the giant fish monsters residing in Miraak's giant stones of douchery. He started telling us stories and more stories and histories, and now it seems like months have gone by! Look at us. Vilkas has been waiting at the door like a dog who thinks it'll magically open if he stands in front of it, and I look like I want to die. Anyway, we're going to be on our way right the frick now. I can't stand to hear this old guy talk for another second. We have a black book to find. Storn says it will help us find Miraak. But I don't know why Storn just doesn't have Miraak over for dinner and bore him right off the island. I think that'll work better than killing him.