#drival

[chocolate-failure]

Today was p goddamn rough. Things were mostly fine to start. Dig suggested a park with a trail we could hike. While I still have a fair amount of PTSD with him being so out of shape he had a medical crisis at the gorge hike we did a few years back. I still have fucking nightmares and hiking with him stresses me tf out. Despite all that shit I try to encourage him to be active and never turn down a suggestion to get out and get some exercise. I try not to suggest going out on hikes, more just walks on paved on grade paths cuz I really don't want him to think that's the only thing I enjoy doing cuz we do it so seldomly. But strenuous hikes honestly are the only thing I enjoy, and I hate that he can't keep up. It sucks to have to constantly stop, not only because it's time consuming but it also saps a lot of energy out of me to go so slow, it feels counterintuitive but climbing a mountain at a much slower clip than you're comfortable is actually incredibly tiring compared to going your regular pace. It'd be easier if it wasn't a climb with no elevation but god... it just sucks the fun out of the experience and I kinda hate that I'm so excited to come back by myself so I actually enjoy it.

The "eh" hike was actually the best part of the experience. The park is a pretty heavily wooded area and the dirt road to get there is one lane, so if someone comes from the other direction one of yall need to get over to let the other pass. Of course I'm driving back to the house after the hike cuz homie's dead which I don't mind too much even though his stamping and flinching causes me a pretty significant amount of stress. Like I get it but his experience of PTSD is actually real goddamn hard to deal with, being next to someone who's acting like we're gonna get into a crash every other minute is beyond distracting it's dangerous. Like fr go to fucking therapy or find some fucking cope. Like the whole time we're hiking I'm constantly modulating my behavior and gait to make sure he's not left behind, being encouraging and telling him he's better than before when he prob isn't considering he weighed less and worked out more a few years back. It's what you do for your partner to make them feel comfortable despite your discomfort. Idk maybe I'm just cynical and unhappy but I woke up earlier and realized this is, in fact, my life. I think I was depersonalized from the drive back cuz I really couldn't afford to be present.

So we're leaving and he initially starts bugging cuz I back up down a slight decline off the dirt road to do a 3 point turn. He thinks I backed up too far, which I didn't we were fucking fine cuz I drive better and more than him both on and off the road, and I let him know I have experience driving on this kind of terrain especially when I'm in the field. He decides that's a satisfactory answer and that I did a good job because I objectively did.

As we get closer to the entrance a car starts to come across this lil bridge from the other direction so I start to pull over so they can go around since I have room to the side to get over and they didn't. As I do that a branch or something scrapes the underside of the car and dig looks over at me with so much anger and frustration you wouldn't've though I totaled the shit ((Did I mention he spent $16,000 on a car that needed a new transmission within a year??) Yeah, I'm not too confident in his knowledge or understanding of cars) So he's upset acting like we're careening off the side of the cliff. I let the people go around, back up a lil (he of course let's me know that it wasn't far enough, (it was, it was literally just a branch scratching the undercarriage, I didn't drive up onto a rock or something. I actually can see and do watch where I'm driving despite what he thinks). I apologize because I genuinely don't want him to feel like he's in fucking danger, especially when he's not. I say I'm sorry if I freaked him out, I wasn't trying to drive crazy (and I really don't think I did). He responds that he wasn't freaked out in a voice where he's barely modulating his stress... (sure bro) So I say I'm sorry for causing him any concern or worry but I was pretty sure that we just scraped a branch and that we'd be okay (and lo and be-𝓯𝓾𝓬𝓴𝓲𝓷𝓰-hold, wouldya look at that).

So the stress of that experience along with him flinching everytime the car in front of us hits their brakes completely drained my mental and social battery. Unlike dig, I know myself rather well and know that when I'm stressed like this I'm way more likely to make mistakes and he's obviously way too frazzled and winded to pull over and start driving. So I go autopilot and get us back to the hell house without issue. I kinda don't wanna go hiking or driving with him ever again but I'll definitely be right back at it cuz I want to believe that I can be of service in not acting like the asshole I know I am. It'd be so much easier to just... move freely.

[chocolate-failure]

I think I'll do a vid on dysphoria. I talk about it enough but I don't often delve into how it fundamentally makes me feel. It's honestly kinda hard to pinpoint but it's such a distinct feeling and experience. Like feeling like you're about to catch a cold, describing that initial malaise is actually kind of difficult. Like yeah it feels bad but that's so hollow and falls short of the sheer gravity of the experience. It doesn't hurt but it can somehow cause pain. It isn't numb but still makes you feel empty. It's a very human experience but makes you feel subhuman, both alien and rudimentary. I think it did hurt at one point for me but now it just feels like the antithesis of comfort. It's like living in a fun house where behind every door is an existential crisis. It is a horror onto itself because the self is inescapable. Like how could I be anyone but me but being me feels both so foreign and impossible? It feels like being covered in hot wax, like your skin will come off with it. Like wearing an itchy ill-fitting sweater that's been sewn to your body. Like it could become bearable if you don't think about it too hard. But the second you do you start to panic, trying to tear it off, ripping yourself apart in the process. It feels familiar because it’s part of our conditioning. Like you could one day molt and peel it off easily but right now it's stuck. It feels like dread. The feeling when you miss a step and begin to fall only you never do but maybe it'd be easier if you did.

[chocolate-failure]

Despite believing this experience couldn't get any worse I have discovered new depths to this pervasive emptiness. I have a extremely vivid memory of when I was a child, maybe 6 or 7 because I distinctively remember being in my parents' room while we lived in the house. I remember the metal parts that protruded from their bed frame that would fuck up your shins if an errant limb happened to close too their edges. I remember laying on the carpeted floor with those metal reinforcements in view so vividly I can almost smell it. Something was burgundy, maybe the blanket or a pillow case. I almost can't believe that the room that would later become my room ever looked like that. I remember sneaking to their bathroom when I was 14 or 15 to throw up in the sink because my parents' bathroom had a door you could lock and was sequestered far enough away from the rest of the house that I wouldn't be heard. But that also meant I wouldn't be able to hear. One time I used their shower and found that the grate that covered the floor drain had no screws so I started throwing up down there too. So many of my thoughts in that house have been stained by disease, but I still remember as warped as my mind has become.

I found a lot of comfort in the floor. I'd sleep there, I'd dream there... before it fell out from beneath me, I saw it as one of the few truly comforting and unbiased fixtures in my life.

So there I lie facing the right most post of the bed frame looking out into the hallway. I recall this being a time when I first realized I was annoying. Being a child it was unavoidable but still remains a dismaying discovery. I had been speaking to my mother for the past I don't know how long, all time becomes elastic with time and as a child it seems to extend into perpetuity. I can't recall what all I spoke to her about or any of her responses but I remember saying "I think I can't think". Looking back on it I'm certain she probably pointed out that that even in saying that I was forming a thought thus rendering my observation patently untrue.

I find it profound.

I was, even then, so attuned to my experience that I was able to communicate that I couldn't concentrate. And though I was met with dismissal the fact that I had the insight to understand and articulate that at such a young age is astounding.

I find myself today similarly confounded as I was so many years ago. Struggling to concentrate on my inability to concentrate. Because despite being broken my mind has always known there is something wrong.

There are so many things that could've been helped.

I've always been rather adept at articulating my experience in written speech despite the words not working when they come from my mouth. They've always been difficult that way. But now, I seem to be at a loss for words. Something about what has gripped me has robbed me of my words. And not so much the words because I'm speaking perfectly fine now. But the access I once had to my current state, the ever wavering connection I had to processing and expressing my thoughts has wisped out of existence. I could learn all the words in humanity's collective lexicon and I wouldn't know if any of them even remotely described how I'm feeling because I have no fucking idea what it is I'm feeling.

It's horrible.

I'm wandering blind in the void that is my experience and it doesn't feel dark. Quite the contrary it feels white hot. At least before there was some consolation in the hurting things. The thoughts with teeth. The percievable can be perceived. This. This isn't tangible, knowable, describable. I can't see or hear anything yet everything hurts in ways I can't understand.

If ignorance is bliss why does everything hurt?

[cliggomusic]

Listen to Drival for free: https://music.cliggo.com/artist/6035741-Drival

[tranceadvancedmusic]

Episodio 104

[tranceadvancedmusic]

Episodio 102

[awesomenezz]

Drival Releases New Single "Full Moon" | @DrivalDJ |

Drival Releases New Single "Full Moon"

https://soundcloud.com/joyridemusic/fullmoon

  Drival returns again, with his latest offering on Phoenix Recordings. ‘Full Moon’ follows up from his release on the imprint earlier this year ‘Forever Is Gone’. Receiving wicked reviews, the label and artist have combined again to create another masterpiece.

The Spanish DJ/Producer starts the track with his unique percussion style, creating…

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[thelogicofthetrance]

OMG, the Fox pillow on your photo is sooooo cute :)

Aww thank you so much, it’s the last one I bought and I’m very proud of it hehe