#drizzit writes

[itsadrizzit]

Friends... considering in my usual fic planning I think up a premise and say "I feel like I can get that done in 5000 - 10,000 words" and then the fic ends up being 25k+, the fact that today when we were talking about my in-planning-stage fic I told Jonas, "Yeah, I feel like this is going to be a long one" should terrify EVERYONE.

[drizzitwrites]

Me for the last 36 hours: YES, SIS, WE ARE GOING TO WRITE THIS FIC. I AM SO EXCITED!

Me now, opening up the doc to the scene I have been in the middle of for a week now: Ehhhhhh, but what if we just don't write it?

[itsadrizzit]

I literally spent FOUR ENTIRE HOURS of my night so deeply engrossed in fic writing that I, an eternally hungry human, FORGOT TO EAT MY DINNER, something that has happened to me so few times in life that I can probably count them on one hand.

Is this what it feels like to actually *enjoy* the thing you're creating? I mean, I know it is, because I have been here before, but damn like... I spent SO. LONG. with that last fic that I hated writing from day one that I had almost forgotten how it feels to lose yourself in the process, flow, and energy of creating a fic.

Problem: it's time for bed and I am now hungry af and still riding this creator's high brain function adrenaline rush.

[drizzitwrites]

Re-reading this fic that is now FINALLY. ALMOST. DONE. BEING. WRITTEN. 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉 and like... even the parts I edited I'm just like... yeah I'm not feeling this.

I tend to enjoy my fics. I like to re-read them and re-immerse in them from time to time and I always find that enjoyable. And this one just feels... flat to me.

I mean, I know that (a) I have been IN THIS for a year now so it's hard to see good vs. bad vs. other at that stage because you need some distance sometimes before you can go back and say "yes, this is better than I thought " and (b) this fic was a stretch for me. I'm writing outside my comfort zone. There is A LOT of tension and in many cases outright arguing. There are all these feelings that are being miscommunicated or not communicated at all and within that you are only getting one character's perspective on it, which tends to be more reactionary than rational. Add to this that neither of them knows what they want and both are already under stress about it. And add to THAT numerous ensemble cast and party scenes, which I am notoriously bad at.

But!

I know what theme I want to hit and I know the feel I want and I know the feelings behind all of this stuff and when I read the words I just... don't feel that. And, more problematically, I don't yet know how to get from where it is to where I want it to be.

It's interesting, because I have read a few fics in the recent past that hit these moods and themes BANG ON and I'm like... how did they do it? And I just can't get my head around how they created those tensions vs. what I am trying to do to create that tension. And that is SUPER FRUSTRATING.

I need to finish this fic because it sets up another fic that I am very excited to write. So at some point I just need to say "good enough, it gets us where we need to be, not everything can be a winner, move on." But for now I'm still going to sit here and puzzle over it a bit.

I did fix a bunch of problems with the ending scenes in the past few days. It was a matter of flow, it turns out. And as I make it a point to sit down and work on this fic every day (to get it done, to develop the writing habit, and because continual thought on a topic is important for deep work and flow, as I will discuss now) the fic is sort of always there brewing in my subconscious.

I had been ending each day's writing session feeling discouraged and like the session wasn't productive. It was a case of me really saying "just get the words down, you can fix them later" and then I would finish for the day and immediately think "there is NO WAY you can even fix that later short of deleting the whole thing" which is not usually the case for me. Usually, even if I come out of a writing session where I know things are a mess, 5 to 15 minutes later my subconscious brain steps up and yells "HEY, I FIGURED OUT HOW TO FIX IT!!!" That hasn't been happening.

And then, a few days ago, I was walking down the street minding my business not thinking about the fic and not even having done any work on the fic when all of a sudden it was like this lightbulb over the head moment and I literally said aloud to myself "REVERSE THE ORDER OF THE SCENES!"

So yesterday, for the first time seemingly in forever (at least where this fic is concerned), I got done with a writing session feeling GOOD about what I'd done and wishing I had time to continue. And that is great! Beyond great!

BUT! Today I had cause to read through what is done (an artist had asked me for my favourite quote or bit of dialogue from this wip), and I honestly almost got back to them like... "there isn't one..." because I honestly couldn't find any specific line from this fic that I *liked* or thought resonated. So... that's gotten me back to feeling a bit discouraged and just... I know what I want, but I'm not getting there and I am frustrated as hell about that.

Fic... I. WILL. CONQUER. YOU.

And if I don't. Well. I will get you done and move on to things that excite me more, I guess.

And who knows... the last time I thought a fic wasn't that good it was one of the most popular things I wrote. Still. Compared to the way I feel about this fic I felt like that one was a masterpiece.

But what do I know. At least it will be done and out there, right?

[itsadrizzit]

Pls don't cry. Give yourself a break. Go back to it a bit later. Don't be too harsh on yourself, you're doing your best.

Thanks anon. 💖💖💖

I suspect it was always going to come to tears at some point. I have entered this in a WIP Big Bang in order to just GET. IT. DONE. and have a posting date of August 12, so I'm under the kosh with this thing for real. And this scene is A. STRETCH. from my usual writing zone and quite pivotal for the events that follow so I knew it would be the big, scary, terrible thing to write. Honestly, this whole fic has been fighting me since day 1, but I knew I needed to finish it to set up all that comes next. So... it was a lot of pressure plus a time crunch plus my natural tendencies to push myself hard, and I'm a bit surprised things didn't come to a head with it earlier.

But I did take a break and I edited the scene that follows that one and then today I took a breath, made a plan, and got to cross "write this scene" off my to-do list. I don't know if it's good, but I do know it's DONE and with all these deadlines looming I'm teaching myself to call "done" good enough.

[itsadrizzit]

I hate this effing fic. That is all. Thank you.

[drizzitwrites]

I WROTE A THING

 A few weeks ago I got an idea for a scene set just before the upcoming UCL final. It was nothing more than a few lines of dialogue, but I wrote them down and told myself that I would come back to it. I need a writing “win” as it were, as I’ve really stalled on this WIP despite needing to have it done in time to post for WIP Big Bang in July AND I was feeling bad because the last fic I published was on 21 June and for some reason it was bothering me that I hadn’t managed to finish and publish ANYTHING in close to a year. The posting date for WIP big bang will be more than a year after I had started this WIP and I was feeling badly about not getting it done in a year’s time. It’s complicated and messy and tangled and my life has been going in 50 different directions at once for the better part of that year, but part of the issue is that from the very start of this WIP I have struggled with being able to just let go and write it messy and come back and fix it later. I am usually okay just sitting down and writing and letting it be terrible, but for some reason with this WIP I agonise over getting everything right at the first go and it’s really made it difficult for me to write.

So... I had been sitting on this new idea and although I told myself I wanted it to be done so I could publish it a few days before the UCL final (so basically sometime this week) every time I thought about sitting down and making a few hours space to write it I just froze and was like... what if I do LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE??? I think what was bothering me is that it felt so nebulous. Like... it was just one conversation with no ending and I really hate not having an ending before I start. It just felt too... unknown. But I made myself think back to the challenge I did in November where I took a pre-generated prompt list that was really just loose ideas or feelings and managed to just sit and create scenes I had in mind for things I was working on or meant to work on and those all turned out to be some of my favourite bits. So I sat down to treat this fic like those and told myself that (a) it’s fine to write a fic that is literally one scene or just a conversation, (b) it’s fine to write something that’s not polished and shined and some sort of work of literary mastery, and (c) people write these short, off-the-cuff scenes and post them with little to no editing all the time and there is a place for these things in fandom and people enjoy them and even if they don’t, you need to believe that you can sit down and just bang out some words and not judge them before they even have a chance to stand on their own.

So... I did that. And I am happy with how it turned out. I don’t have a title yet and I do want to at least give it a minimal read-through edit before sending it into the world, so I’m not posting it yet, but it’s done and on Wednesday or Thursday I will be posting it, no matter what state it’s in. Guaranteed.

Stay tuned, I guess. I am just proud of myself for forcing myself to sit down and do a thing and then doing it and crafting something I enjoy and feel like I would be happy posting right out of the gate once again. I needed this win.

[drizzitwrites]

Every time I sit down to think through this fic or edit this fic or do pretty much anything with this fic, it seems to end in me rethinking the progression of things and coming to the conclusion that the only thing to do is add another chapter.

This is the fic that never ends, my friends.

(I'm also low-key worried that it will end up too slow and dragging because SERIOUSLY WHY DOES IT JUST KEEP GETTING LONGER?)

I had thoughts today about reworking some things, cutting some things out, and ending it essentially where we are now rather than writing ANOTHER ENTIRE DAY, but I'm very undecided on the issue. The pros and cons seem to balance out.

What I need is a "does this outline seem boring?" beta or something like that.

Anyway, it's 40k and we still have like 10 scenes left. And who knows how many scenes that will *actually* be, since I keep adding and never subtracting. 😭😭😭😭😭

FML THIS FIC IS LONG. Anyone want to read it when it's done and tell me whether or not I should just cut half of this??? Because I am seriously second-guessing.