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ILY FP Ep 260 & 261

Goodness, I don't even know where to begin with these episodes. They give us so many answers, and so much background I've been yearning for - but at what cost? My emotional well-being? My supply of tears? Quimchee really said "ILY IS COMING BACK AND I'M GONNA MAKE IT ONE HELL OF A RETURN" and my god she did ;~; To think, originally we were meant to get a recap and 2 eps, which means we'd have been cut off at 260, which feels so cruel lmao I'm so glad we didn't stop there but we still ended up in agony didn't we?

This post came out REALLY long (and you're probably used to that with me but still, just a heads up!). I'd like to apologize for this one taking a little longer for me to finish up but I just have a lot of thoughts and feelings around this ep and getting everything organized coherently and feeling like I covered it all adequately took some effort lol. I probably still missed things so as always feel free to reply in the comments and I'll get back to you. I'm always keen to hear your guys' thoughts, too!

Like I said, where do I even begin? Do I want to dig into this in order the ep follows? It's probably best to go that way, even though that's not where I want to dive into, because I think we're given a lot of important stuff in 260 that would be so easy for me to brush over if I don't! There's a lot being set up that I think is going to really play into who Shinae becomes in the future, and how her inevitable rift with her father will play out.

Learning Nana's backstory is something I've been SO hungry for and I wasn't sure when or how we'd get it. All along I had this fear that Nessa's father might've been a scumbag, someone who knocked up Nana and fled town or something like that, and this was partly why Nana was so adamant in trying to prevent Nessa from having such an experience. I'm relieved that's not the case, though. While it still plays out tragically, and Nessa never gets to even meet her father, it's not so scummy as I imagined; he died fighting for something they both believed in, for trying to make a better world for them. Even if they weren't successful at it at the time, there are so many ways a man can leave a woman single raising a baby than that.

Actually, I wish we could delve more into Nana's time with the IRA. I'm highkey really fascinated by the involvement with the Irish Troubles and that this was something Quimchee chose to incorporate and build into Nana's core personality and identity; that she was a fighter her whole life, too, in so many different ways. To be honest, Nana and Rand have such similar backgrounds, but have led such wildly different lives. Where Rand searched for security in a monetary form, Nana sought it through family connections - and they both ended up losing sight of those dreams at different points in their lives.

We now know Nana to be someone with a strong mindset, one who has made the mistake of believing she knows best and pushing that on people, and in different ways, she still holds to that strong mindset - where Nol is unable to convince her of what he knows, because she is so affected by her own experiences. I often talk about how Nol is so deep in his own pain he doesn't always notice others' pain - and this is a similar scenario for Nana.

She knows all too well what it's like to be entirely on your own with a child to raise, no one to rely on or give you help, no one to turn to, and no reprieve. She knows all too well what it's like to lose yourself in that - the loss of self in motherhood when your own identity blurs and disappears out of your grasp - and how people sink into dark places with dark thoughts and dark wishes. Because it's such a lived experience, she can imagine Nessa in that very same place - in a foreign country no less, with allegedly no contact with Rand, even! - trying to make it, and to her it makes sense what happened: Nessa lost herself and she couldn't dig back out of that dark place, she didn't find comfort, until she sought it out elsewhere.

I don't fault Nana for not believing Nol, because the way he describes losing Nessa is exactly in line with what she knows, and easy to look at a young kid and think he's searching for a reason, something that changes the outcome. She thinks he finds it easier to blame the tea, to call it poisoning, than to have to face and admit that his mother was so depressed, so broken, she took her life in the end, because what does that mean of him, what does that say of his place in her life? I understand why Nana doesn't entertain the notion.

It doesn't help, too, that Nana doesn't understand why Nol refuses to take his meds. From context of the flashback and what else we've seen in the webtoon - from the very beginning, Nol has been suspicious of meds and would rather not take them; he didn't want the cold meds when Shinae thought he was getting sick; he's suspicious of any kind of pill if he doesn't know what it is or from where it comes; there's his fear of hospitals and especially Hirahara-related hospitals, extreme panic and need to escape when he wakes up in two different hospitals (and once relaxing only when he learns he's not in a Hirahara hospital + Shinae grounds him) - that his experience in the hospital was bad. And because we only know this through Nana, we can only guess how bad. All kinds of different meds to try to calm him down - meds that maybe made him feel like he wasn't in control, doctors who perhaps mistreated him, or used his therapy and anger management sessions to twist him and make him feel worse.

We know from what the staff says that they already thought him a troubled kid prone to outbursts and panic attacks, so I can only imagine what happened in the hospital - because what was causing those outbursts? What were they saying or doing or giving him? They mentioned his "paranoia". Think about this: Nol discovers his mom is dead and he goes straight to the Hiraharas - to Kousuke - who treats him like scum. Perhaps Kousuke doesn't even believe him, perhaps Nol talks about the poison that killed his mom and Kousuke calls it lies. And he ends up locked away, labeled violent and unstable, paranoid. No one believes him.

He loses his mom and no one even believes him.

He even tells Nana he can't say anymore because it will get him locked back up - the paranoia follows him out. Whatever happened in there reinforced (or created) his belief that he is a monster never meant to exist, a monster who didn't try hard enough to save his mother - who perhaps hurt her (arguments, conflicts, etc), and who believes no one will ever believe him.

And unfortunately Nana reinforces this in her inability to believe him, too.

Frankly, I think they both are right myself, and I've long had this thought. It's always been my suspicion that Nessa was drugged something which played upon thoughts and feelings which already existed - that in the situation that found them in the United States of Asia she found herself in a dark place, full of feelings of guilt and regret, and honestly, I feel still that this is true.

Nana is right. Nessa probably was struggling on some level. Alone with her young son in a foreign country and she can't even meet up with Rand, they're there so Nol can spend time with his father and they can never even get together, and they're living undocumented, keeping to themselves. She's probably so alone. She has no other family. Maybe young Nol starts acting out, gets angry and bitter. She uprooted them and took him to this place where his father is never available for him, where they keep meeting Kousuke who makes him feel worse and keeps destroying his name. He argues with her, they fight, she feels guilty and has so much regret because this was a bad move, this was a mistake, now her son is unhappy and lonely and still he hasn't met his father.

And maybe she's given tea that is drugged, that exacerbates these dark feelings that already exist. Is she given tea that's been laced? Does she meet with someone who gives her drugged tea at every meet up?

Nol sees the changes, the things Nessa tried to hide from him, but they're getting worse, the drugs are exacerbating it, making it stronger and harder to hide. And the more they effect her mood, her personality, the more it affects their relationship? And the guilt grows and the meds awaken little voices in her head she shouldn't listen to.

I genuinely think it's possible. I don't think it's something Nessa would ever have acted on had she not been drugged, and she likely could have pulled herself out of in another life. But in this life she was drugged.

It's still possible that the meds just unraveled her and someone else finished the job, but something about the idea of it being a little bit of what both of them believe hurts and feels so likely - a darkness that she could have quelled if it hadn't been preyed upon.

I actually have a LOT of thoughts about the entire timeline regarding this - how things tie into Rand and Yui's separation and how this was very certainly Yui taking control and reminding Rand he will never be able to outsmart her, but I'll save THAT for a whole separate post, because we haven't even finished with this one!

Before I move on to Nol, though, I'd like to say I think it's very pointed and significant that Nana is having these conversations with Shinae. It's heavily foreshadowed that Shinae is going to have some kind of rift with her father - that they'll be separated by something; she'll choose a boy over him, her lifestyle will take her elsewhere, his choices to keep secrets and not open up will drive her away and destroy her trust, etc. etc - and part of being able to foil Nessa and Nana is knowing how things went wrong. It's knowing Nana as a woman who has many regrets, both about trying to force her own beliefs on someone else and expecting them to adhere to and live to those standards, as well as having so much pride she never made an effort to seek her out. Knowing Nana as a woman who is so alone by her own hand, who has lost so many people (as Shinae has), who laments those losses even if some are her own cause, I think will weigh on Shinae in the future, and help her reconnect with Simhan before things are too late one day. It probably won't happen immediately of course; the anger and righteousness will have to run its course. But there will come a day when she realizes she just misses her father and instead of doing like Nana or Nessa and holding on to her pride she (or he!) will reach out and rather than stand their ground, they will let each other back in.

It's important for Shinae to see the ramifications of those rash, hardheaded actions. Shinae, too, is rash and hardheaded. She acts first, thinks later, and is very passionate in what she believes in, much like we see of Nana and can infer of Nessa. But having an intimate experience with someone who has had that similar experience, carried those regrets, and worse, seen the loss that came of not being there for each other.... I think it will stick with her and influence her when the time comes.

I think, even without telling us what happened in the hospital, we've got enough insight now about Nol to have some ideas about how these events have shaped him, though. His unwillingness to open up to people, because who will believe him anyway, and how his continued belief in what happened and being labeled as paranoid, fueling this fear that if he does continue to talk about it, he'll get thrown back into the hospital. This deeply internalized belief that he's a monster, that he caused it, leaves us to wonder a lot, still. Was this a belief born in the hospital, of the kinds of "therapy" he went through? At one point, we see Nol crying that he didn't try hard enough to stop her and that's why this is his fault, but the conversation he had on his birthday with Shinae about harming the cow from which the hamburger beef came haunts me. It makes me wonder a LOT about the state of Nessa's personality changing - if it led to them arguing and fighting, and that took further toll on her stress, her mental health, a reliance on tea that "calmed" her or something? Did the thoughts simply spiral and lead him to think that simply for not acting, he mistreated her, he was a monster for existing and complicating her life, for wanting to know his father and leading them to live here in secret, for getting them involved with this family, and for leading to her death? I'm still really curious about how he arrived at this line of thinking and I can't help but think it's a combination both of fighting with Nessa AND whatever happened in the hospital.

I'm also INCREDIBLY curious about medications because we know he comes out of the hospital on Xanax but we have to wonder what ELSE they might've had him on in there - although to be fair, Xanax on its own seems like it could have been (and was) a nightmare. Nana clocks immediately that Nol is "off", that this isn't a normal, well-medicated boy despite having never met him prior, just based on his listlessness. We also see even leaving the hospital, he already has eyebags from lack of sleep. I think it might be a combo of both being medicated and what might have happened while he was medicated that has him so against the meds, so fearful of them. Not liking how they change his personality, not liking how he feels like he has no control, not liking how they affect him, and maybe things done while he's medicated that he can't easily prevent? To be clear, I'm not suggesting sexual assault or anything like that, but we are not above imagining Nol was abused in the hospital, mistreated, etc. Drugged out on Xanax with someone telling you what a horrible person you are and you can't fight them off or something like that?

And again, the way the meds affect him. Nol knows who he was before he was medicated. He knows the change the drugs have caused, to make him so listless, so compliant, maybe like a little zombie. And he loathes it so much he's willing to go cold-turkey off Xanax and endure the withdrawal with nothing to assist him.

I was looking this up because, first off, I didn't know it by its generic name and secondly I realized I never knew a lot about Xanax except jokes about giving it to really high-strung, anxious people. Like, how did I never connect that it's a benzo? Even though, hello: Kousuke ?????? But more than that, I never realized how addictive it is?

We can safely assume Nol was probably taking the Xanax for 6 months or more, just knowing he was in the hospital for almost 2 years and cited as having panic attacks - which, let's be real, were probably a result of losing his mother and being institutionalized in the same breadth of time.

For him to go cold-turkey off this med was absolutely bonkers when you think about it. The depiction of him enduring his withdrawal post-release, as well as whatever nightmares haunt him, the trauma plaguing him, the entire experience of living with a stranger in a new place having been released from hell with no certainty that she's even truly your grandmother (gone through a hell so intense he can't trust that she wasn't brought in to continue the act ;~;). AUGH.

We see young Nol experiencing a lot of these withdrawal symptoms, too - the panic attacks, the tremors, the sleep problems, loss of appetite, general discomfort, (presumed hypersensitivity to light or sound when we see him in the dark, but also note to touch when we've seen how Nol has responded to people trying to touch him), possibly abnormal sensations, maybe even psychosis just based on the panel of him in his blankets in bed. (This latter part is a supposition but it's worth considering! I'm not saying I for sure think he experienced that, but knowing his mental state I don't want to discount it, either.)

More importantly is that between 10-25% of chronic users - as we assume Nol was - experience symptoms like new or worsening anxiety and depression, and we've known Nol to be haunted by this. We cannot forget that when Dieter had met Nol, there was a period of absence in which Nol "went to try to see his mother" that was assume was an attempted suicide. I'm not saying this is entirely the fault of the meds because clearly in Nol's case we have a more complex situation of someone who is in a stressful situation, has lost his mother, has had a whole upheaval of his life, no one believes him, and he's been on benzos during a particularly traumatic experience, but it's safe to consider their contribution to this attempt, I think. Chances are, Nol may have still ended up in this place, but we'll never know how bad it actually might have been had he not had such traumatic experiences and endured this withdrawal the way he did.

This also felt significant to me. In a way, it's like they made this poor kid worse. Rebound symptoms more severe than they were before the drug was initiated, resulting in worse anxiety and/or panic attacks? Essentially, what we know is that Nol's detoxing period and even the years to follow were absolute HELL for him. Nana even noted that while things started to improve once she started to introduce more healthy lifestyles and give him outlets, there were still signs of relapses. Still signs of struggle. It paints such a vivid picture of how the Nol we've come to know now came to be - and makes it even more alarming the way he goes from this to the Yeonggi mask.

I have so much respect and admiration for Nana throughout this all, though; it can't be easy, to just take sudden guardianship of this kid you didn't even know existed and he is, frankly, troubled. You're ill-prepared for how to deal with him, you don't know how to help him, he's suffering and you can't do anything to make it better. (The fact that Nol even, at one point, apologizes, says he wishes he could get better sooner hurt SO MUCH ;~;) That she understands how terrified of that place he was, that she never forces his meds on him, that she seeks out answers no one can give, that she decides to do everything she can to help him ;~; In a way, Nol really is repentance for Nana - her way of making up for where she failed Nessa, her way of ensuring that she doesn't abandon another one of her flesh and blood. And it was good she did, because obviously Nol needed that assistance.

He was just SO broken. And I'm sure he was broken enough by what he experienced pre-hospital, but I fear he's broken, too, by what happened in the hospital, too, and it's no wonder no one is able to get through to him. No one is able to penetrate the walls around him.

It also seems like his insomnia never went away and plagues him even now - we've seen many an occasion of Nol's sleepless nights that stem from coming out of the hospital (sitting up late at night "watching his favorite show" when in reality he can't sleep and is just filling the silence with something, anything, to try to dull the silence to interrupt his own thoughts).

His self-loathing SO intense, SO deep he can't bear his own image, destroys multiple mirrors from seeing his own reflection. Is it because he resembles Nessa? Is it because he can't stand himself so much that his own visage fills him with such violent anger? Both? ;~; Such a broken kid. Even now it continues!!!!

Something I do love about this sad era, though, is seeing how much of an influence Nana had on him. How all of these habits that Nol clings to like a safety line are things she introduced - from the healthy eating to bulking him up so that he would never appear "weak" to others, to running as an outlet, the punching bag - and it makes sense why he holds to them so strongly. These are his lifelines. If he strays from them, maybe he fears he cannot control himself, that it will all come back.

But also ;~; the way it was Nana who taught him make up. That one really got to me. Here I'd thought it was Alyssa but instead it was Nana who taught him to hide his eyebags ;~; I'm tender I can't handle any of this ;A;

And when finally he trusted her enough to approach her WITH those requests. To cut his hair. To hide his eyebags. His body language leading here is SO devastating - always shrinking in on himself, holding himself, withdrawing until he's as small as he can be, the hunched shoulders. It's so visible when he doesn't feel comfortable yet, when he doesn't feel safe, vs the conversation they have when he lays on the couch beside her reading the Alchemist, looking a little more relaxed.

AND THE REVEAL ;A; THAT NESSA ;A; CALLING HIM ;A; HER LITTLE TIGER ;A; WAS A HANDMEDOWN FROM NANA DOING SO TO HER ;A; OH I CAN'T FUCKING HANDLE IT ;A; I won't go on a spiral about Nessa missing her mother as she gave birth all alone but listen ;~; and Nol's reaction to be called something by this woman who he doesn't really know, that his own mother used to call him, something he hasn't been called in so long now. PEAK DEVASTATION I CAN'T HANDLE IT.

We also get the barest clue about Yeonggi, which makes me continue to think that Yeonggi was someone in the facility who, unlike the others, tried to help him. "The name gave him comfort in darkness." Possibly a name he stole off of someone else who comforted him and tried to make him feel better throughout the nightmare ordeal. I like to hope it was an employee who tried to quietly help him as much they could. I think it's still possible they could have been another patient, too, but I just feel like a part of the faculty makes the most sense to me right now?

Nana has equipped Shinae with so much knowledge to better understand Nol - all the stuff he's kept to himself, that he's never dared speak to her. And while it still doesn't explain him in the way she seeks, I think it explains it enough for her to begin to understand. She revealed her story to him in hopes that it would make him understand that she would never hold anything against him, that she understands we are all dealt different hands in life, and maybe with Nana's insight, now she can begin to understand why Nol was never going to open that up. That it wasn't her, that it's not a lack of trying - that he's so much more broken than she ever knew. That she mostly knows Yeonggi, and Nol is such an unknown entity to her, full of secrets and darkness he himself fears.

And knowing his fear of Yui, I think maybe she'll at least try to make some connections about what happened in the mental health hospital and Yui.

When Nana suggested she write letters to Nol (it didn't miss me that Shinae IMMEDIATELY jumped to LOVE letters - GIRL we all see right through you LMAOOOOOOOO of course that would be your first thought you mooney ol crushy wushy obsessed thing), Shinae doesn't seem convinced that it will do any good - that Nol will just ignore them and won't read that. And that may well be the case. But I hope one of her takeaways from what Nana has told her is that what Nol needs - what convincing could look like to him - is persistence and effort. We also know Nol tends to fold when it comes to Shinae and if she keeps writing him letters, even if it's just to talk about the mundane, to keep him up with what's going on, it could convince him. That she means it that she cares. That she's trying.

I don't know that she'd be able to feel comfortable talking about her feelings. Sometimes things are easier written than spoken, so maybe if she began to send letters more regularly, she could do that - if only talking about how much she misses him and wishes she were able to see him and wants to know that he's okay and wishes he wouldn't keep to himself and would open up or something. I think for Nol, persistence is important. More than that, not giving up is important, too.

Someone in our server pointed out that Shinae's fixation on the lack of photos in her own life could maybe lead her to take photos to send to Nol in lieu of being comfortable with writing letters herself - ways to keep him included on her life, a reason to take photos and someone with whom to share them, and I agree that would be really lovely to see! I think she could, over time, learn to open up via writing and use both, and that this could be convincing to Nol - emulating the contents of the Bible, something clearly so intimate and full of love, in her own way. ;~;

Ugh this makes me all the more excited to see what actually transpires when he's released from jail lmao but I STILL WANNA SEE HIM IN JAIL, TOO. I'm just eager for EVERYTHING tbh, let's be very real here.

The photo Shinae is going to show Nana has me curious because I had forgotten that the photo from the Bible hasn't actually been shown yet, so I was really hopeful she had something to show Nana that was Nessa and Nana related, tbh. But given that it's a photo Shinae has on her phone, I'm guessing she took a picture using her phone of the photo and the webtoon reveal will be next week, on Shinae's phone. I still want something of Nessa and Nana but I'm just a sucker for the tragic Lochlainn women like that, hahaha.

I'm also REALLY wary of Nana clutching her chest in pain like that. It makes me wonder if she's hiding something from Nol or not ;A; Trying to say it's a result of caffeine... ma'am I am NOT that dumb. Actual heartache over her daughter and the idea that she and Rand never even MET - that all this time she was living here alone and it was all for naught, that her death was in vain, that kicking her out was in vain, that at least she could have raised her grandson together with her daughter and never left her in such a space of isolate ;~; I know we've got heavy death flags on Rand and we've been anticipating Nana's death, too, but I'm really worried about which one of them will go first. Esp with Nol refusing to see anyone - including Nana - in jail ;~; If he refuses to see her and she passes before he gets out, his self-loathing will increase tenfold, but I wonder, too, if he would hold Kousuke and/or Yui accountable for that rage, since the reason he even plead guilty in the first place was to get away from them, to escape Yui and her reach.

Nol's anti-hero arc is already beginning to unfold and I think jail will really reinforce it as he makes his connections and that time shapes him, but.... I think the possibility of losing Nana when he's refusing to see her in jail could absolutely begin his "villain arc" if you will...

Good lord this is long and I'm sure I didn't even cover everything/all my thoughts but ;A; it already took me so long to write this, even lmaooooo so if you made it all the way through WAAAH I'M PROUD OF YOU hahahaha. I really do want to write a timeline of what I think took place leading to Nessa's death, though, because things feel like they're taking shape now! I'll see if I can get around to that this week before the next ep drop, while it's fresh in my mind!

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