#elixir;

[countingxheartbeats]

You always know how to get me out of my head and make me laugh. I love you.

[countingxheartbeats]

He asked me to come and stay with him for three months while he has to be on vocal rest. I said yes because I wanted to and what else could I say? I would have been making any excuse to come over as much as I could anyway. But part of me is nervous that maybe I should have said no. Because when I’m with him and can go home later, I can save some of the corrections for when I’m alone. I can hold back if I need to because I can break down at home. I try not to hide things from him as much as I have with other people and he’s seen some breakdowns. But he hasn’t experienced the full fucked up package day in and out. That’s what cost me the last person I wanted to spend forever with. That’s what’s kept me from other people because I can be too much sometimes for even the best people. I hope that I don’t do anything too stupid. And I hope that I won’t try so hard to take care of him while he’s sick that I push him away. Because I can feel myself obsessing about it a little already. 

Despite all of that though, the thought of waking up next to him makes me weak. The thought of seeing him everyday makes me feel like nothing bad can touch me. And nothing else makes me feel that way besides playing shows. I’m in deep and I don’t want out at all.

[countingxheartbeats]

I've never looked at red like that before. But maybe I'll learn more words for red for you. So I can learn to love your red without worry. You're still so easy to love without hesitation that...nothing has really changed.

[countingxheartbeats]

I was afraid I'd have a nightmare involving you after learning what you did. And I still might. But instead I had a nice, almost domestic dream involving you. Even is my head is a little messed up over this, my heart clearly hasn't changed.

[countingxheartbeats]

I hope I don’t wake up to dreams of you covered in blood next. You’re red now...and I don’t know how to make it better.

But. I still love you.

[countingxheartbeats]

I’m still trying to get to know more people but the friends I have so far are pretty amazing. 

1. I’m not sure if I should let you in again after you ghosted me a few years ago. But I still remember everything I felt and I still feel something. You helped me when no one could and I owe you a chance to be back in my life if you truly want it. I hope whatever you have to tell me is something I can handle. I’ll do my best.

2. You’ve been like a brother to me for a long time now and it’s comforting to talk to you again, even if it was only briefly. I hope you know I’m always a call away.

3. I feel like I could just say whatever pops into my head to you and you’d go with it and that’s incredibly soothing. Of course, you have yet to know how crazy my head can really get.