WCW Monday Nitro 30/09/1996
Are you ready? I am. After last week’s debacle I am expecting WCW to make up for making me sit through some of the worst matches in the history of Nitro. A show that genuinely had High Voltage Vs The Amazing French Canadians pencilled in as the main event, even if Hall and Nash ultimately took the place of the AFC. Last week’s show was frankly a disgrace and I was not amused. Time for WCW to put things right, so let’s go.
Tony excitedly welcomes us to the show and announces that we’re broadcasting from Cleveland, Ohio. Larry then interjects dryly by adding “yeah, the mistake on the lake”. Is there anywhere in America that Larry actually likes? Well anyway, Tony, still in his excited voice, dismisses Larry by saying “not at all!” and bigs up the Cleveland Indians and the rock and roll hall of fame.
Tony is literally wearing the exact same butler outfit from last week. I will say that I’m impressed with Larry – he’s looking smart. In a boomerish way, but still, compared to his usual attire this is fine. Admittedly there is a part of me that enjoys ripping on Larry’s fashion choices, but still, it’s nice to see that he does have some normal clothes in his wardrobe.
The Butler says last week’s nWo invasion was “the lowest point in the history of this great live television program, each and every Monday”. Unnecessarily long sentence aside, I agree. Last week’s card was indeed a low point in WCW history. I know that isn’t what Tony is referring to, but let’s be real, it was a joke that nobody laughed at. When you’ve got some ballbag called Bo LeDouche in your semi-main event taking on a fake Sting then you’ve got some serious work to do. That was a bit mean actually, I’ve got nothing against Bo and I hope he’s doing good now. I’m just lashing out, so I apologise. To Bo, not to WCW. Fuck them for last week’s program.
They show footage of the nWo racecar being presented last week, and then Tony says the nWo claim that Kyle Petty is their driver – something both Tony and Larry laugh off. Joke’s on them though, as Kyle Petty did indeed drive for the New World Order.
Here’s the man himself, chilling with his boys. Not sure where Hollywood is though. I guess he had more important things to do, like film The Three Ninjas. If we’re talking ninjas though, why wasn’t Glacier in that movie? Probably because they’d get sued by Midway for ripping off Mortal Kombat. But I digress.
Tony throws it over to Eric Bischoff at the big boy table, who has a statement to make.
Eric references being slapped around by the “New World Odor”, using Larry’s awful phrase, but says it isn’t about him, it’s about the history of WCW. Eric says this is about WCW’s roots going back to 1905. He namedrops Lou Thesz, the Funks, Pat O’Connor and Dusty Rhodes. He says that may not mean anything to the nWo, but it means “a lot of things to a lot of people”. He claims that WCW aren’t going to stand for it, and it’s going to stop because it isn’t fun anymore and nobody is entertained by it.
I mean, ratings say otherwise, but if we’re talking last week’s show then yeah, sure. Fun and entertaining it was not. Bischoff calls the nWo “dirtbags”, and says the biggest mistake he ever made was hiring Hulk Hogan. He says that Hogan and the “thugs” won’t stop WCW because they’ve worked too hard and too long. “It’s going to stop, no more” Bischoff concludes before handing back to Tony and Larry.
Putting aside the obvious fact that WCW chooses to show and promote a ton of nWo stuff when they don’t have to, and can’t even hire basic security to keep the nWo at bay, this was a good promo from Bischoff. Well delivered, well worded and sincere. A good job, and honestly a better promo than most of his roster could pull off.
“I guess that takes care of that” says a ridiculously naïve Tony, whilst Larry, ever the cynic, asks how Bischoff can promise it’s going to stop when the nWo were using his head “for a speedbag”. Not sure what he means by this – airbag maybe? – but regardless, for once I concur with the living legend. WCW has shown zero ability to get to grips with the nWo, so why would anything change now?
Four minutes in, and we’ve got our first match - for the tag team championships. Juventud Guerrera’s music plays, and my first thought is ‘seriously, after last week they’re giving Juvi and Brad Armstrong a tag title match?’ – but no. Juventud is in fact teaming up with “El Technico”… possibly a distant cousin of El Generico. I mean, okay, it’s a dumb name, but maybe…
Oh. What the fuck is that? It’s like an incredibly low effort CAW inspired by the Portuguese flag. I’m starting to think Juvi should have stuck with Brad “America, fuck yeah” Armstrong, rather than team up with this thing. Besides of which, what criteria was used to decide these two earned a tag title shot? Juvi isn’t even a tag wrestler, and I’m absolutely sure I’ve never seen El Technico before. I question WCW’s decision-making when it comes to naming challengers for the belts. Then again, this is the same company that gave Greg Valentine and John Tenta world title matches against The Giant.
But I mean, just look at this. Look at it. Dude looks like he’s wearing his fucking pyjamas or something. How much did this outfit cost – a few dollars at most? I’m not sure you could even give it away for free. You’re on national television and this is seriously the best you could do? Absolutely ridiculous.
Larry asks Tony to explain what “El Technico” means, because he doesn’t speak Spanish. Bro, can you not make an educated guess? Tony reveals that, shockingly, it means a technical wrestler. So not only does this guy have the blandest look imaginable, but even his name is the most generic term you could possibly come up with. It’s not even a wrestling name, it’s a description of a wrestler. What a joke.
Their opponents, of course, are the tag team champions – Public Enemy.
They look stunned to be brought out as champions, understandably. Rocco has a really creepy grin going on in the background, whilst Grunge is eyeing up the camera like it’s a triple cheeseburger. Bro, calm down. The crowd wave their hands in the air like they just don’t care, as the Enemies of the Public carry their trusty table down to ringside.
Tony notes that at the next PPV Public Enemy will face The Outsiders for the titles. So that’ll be about as long as they hold the belts, then. Although I have to admit it would be a laugh to see Juvi and El Technico win the belts and get utterly murdered by Hall and Nash. I have a suspicion that dream will not become a reality though.
This excited fellow in the crowd is dressed to impress. Why do people come to WCW shows dressed in business attire? I seriously don’t get it. The only reason I can think of is that they’ve come straight to these events from work, but even so, could you not bring a change of clothes? Or just change at the office?
Public Enemy Vs Juventud Guerrera and a CAW created in less than a minute
Juvi and Rocco start things off, as we all wait with unrivalled anticipation for the in-ring debut of El Technico.
Juvi hits Rocco with a springboard hurricanrana…
But it ends up looking like shit, as Rocco just kind of rolls to the mat.
Juvi ends up on the outside of the ring with Rocco, who slams The Juice into the guardrail.
Jesus, it’s apparently been a rough week for the Hulkster.
Then, the moment arrives. The seismic event that we’ve all been waiting for. Juvi tags in the real Big Red Machine, El Technico himself.
Yep, there he is, doing some kind of weird dance, barely in control of his limbs as he enters the ring. Looks like he’s ripping a crazy fart. Rocco looks at this absolute mess in disdain.
Rocco briefly beats on this idiot, then Grunge gets tagged in. Juvi attempts to intervene but gets launched to the outside. El Technico just continues to get wrecked. He hasn’t hit a single offensive move yet. Rocco flips onto El Technico from the apron with the help of his partner.
He lands on Technico with a splat, and this one’s over.
Public Enemy defeat Juventud Guerrera and El Technico via pinfall.
Fucking weak. El Technico wrestled about as well as he dresses. Juvi is just the absolute worst at picking tag team partners.
If there’s one good thing to come out of this, it’s shown below.
Rocco crushes Technico through a table. Looked brutal. Nice.
So, I looked up El Technico on google. Turns out we are being fucking lied to by Tony and Larry. This is not a Mexican wrestler at all. You know who’s under that mask? Billy Kidman. Yes, Billy fucking Kidman. He’s about as Mexican as I am, which for the record, is less than zero percent. Apparently it was originally going to be Juvi and Psychosis teaming up, which would have made more sense, but Psychosis got detained at the border and Billy Kidman dressing up in the shittiest attire imaginable with the shittiest name imaginable was the best WCW could come up with on short notice.
Were there literally no other luchadores available? Brad Armstrong would have been a better choice than this. The guy from last week with the ice cream sprinkles shirt would have been a better choice than this. Glacier would have been better than this. In fact, why not just have Billy Kidman come out as himself? Why did he need to dress up in this horrendous outfit? Would Billy Kidman teaming up with Juvi have made any less sense than Brad Armstrong last week? I can’t believe this is the best they could do. For what it’s worth, El Technico would never be seen again after this. His legacy is this one match where he got wrecked by Public Enemy, and now he only lives in our hearts and minds.
Well anyway, moving on from that nonsense, we now get a short promo from Stinko.
Using his typical charismatic charm, which has to be heard to be fully understood, Malenko tells Alex Wright that he’ll just be another stepping stone on Deano’s quest for the cruiserweight title. “You picked the wrong night, pal” Stinko concludes. In fairness, I don’t think Wright picked anything. I assume the match was set up by the WCW committee.
We now get another “what the big boys wear” commercial.
Such a dumb slogan. Sounds like they’re advertising a clothing line for large toddlers.
It’s Duggan hawking a WCW shirt. If we’re considering ambassadors for a “what the big boys wear” slogan, Duggan is probably the most appropriate choice. He’s basically a gigantic bearded child.
I don’t know what’s going on here, or who that guy is, but the only comment I can make is that this does show that these shirts are insanely stretchy and durable.
We now go to Mike Tenay, who is standing with the lesser Horsemen. I miss Gene.
Mike says that he’s confused, as Mongo isn’t even scheduled to be wrestling tonight. Basically telling him to get the fuck out of here. Mongo retorts that he’s here to fight the nWo. Where was he last week? Maybe he was in Japan, but if so it wasn’t mentioned.
For some reason they give Debra the mic.
Tenay has an incredibly despondent look on his face. He looks like he’s about to burst into tears. This was my expression watching last week’s show. Debra says nothing of importance, as usual.
Tenay says that there are “international bragging rights” on the line when it comes to Benoit’s match with Rick Steiner later on tonight. What does that mean? I thought he was going to announce a Japanese wrestler or something, not Rick Steiner. I know Benoit is Canadian, but he wrestles Americans every week in WCW, so how is this any different? I don’t know. This is the same company that gave us Billy Kidman in a stupid mask and lied that he was Mexican.
Benoit says that Rick Steiner is a great wrestler – eh… – but tonight he’s going to be in the ring with the best. Benoit says tonight he’s going to make a statement, the Horsemen are unparalleled, elite and perennial. Interesting final word there. It basically means something that lasts forever, but can also mean a plant that lives several years, apparently, so apply whichever meaning you think is most appropriate. Benoit’s promo this week was short and straight to the point. No stumbling over words, either. He’s improving a little.
Eric Bischoff at the beginning of the show: The nWo bullshit is going to stop.
Literally less than ten minutes later:
OK. Lots of lying going on tonight.
We start with Hogan making a toast, as his son Nick sits on his lap.
He calls his son “Nasty Nick at Night” which… seems wildly inappropriate, as this boy can’t be more than five or six years old. Maybe he wets the bed or something, I don’t know, but it’s not an acceptable nickname regardless.
Ted DiBiase says that WCW had to foot the bill for this commercial time, because they lost the match at War Games. Alright, fine, but then why does it say at the beginning that the announcement has been paid for by the nWo? More lies. Scott Hall welcomes the WCW guys back from Japan. Nash then holds up a picture of some old guy…
And says how it’s strange you never see Bill Murray and Ross Perot in the same spot. Everyone laughs, but I don’t know who Ross Perot is, so it’s over my head. Seems completely random though. Syxx calls room service for some food.
Nash says he just watched Steve McMichael chatting shit, and claims Debra wants Nash. Wait, is this live? I mean, technically it would have to be considering that interview was a couple of minutes ago. Weird.
Despite the champagne, I have to be honest, this doesn’t look like the most thrilling party. nWo Sting says “champagne for everybody”, which nobody reacts to, and then the… live feed I guess?... ends. Awkward.
Tony confirms that the nWo video was indeed ‘live’, although I would guess that’s a lie as well. Most likely pre-recorded and they already knew McMichael was going to chat some shit about them in a promo. Oh well, really, who cares.
We return to the arena, and the music of the most charismatic wrestler of the 90s lets us know who is coming out next.
Deano Machino, carrying what appears to be a Rey Mysterio Jr mask.
As Deano heads down to the ring, Larry asks if Debra is really going out with Nash. Tony is very offended by this for some reason, asking with irritation if Larry really believes anything “those liars say” – glass houses, Mr. Here’s-El-Technico-From-Mexico – “why would you ask me something like that?”. Larry responds that he doesn’t trust women, and Tony says “neither do I”. Some good old misogyny from our supposedly babyface commentators. You two aren’t exactly bastions of honesty yourselves.
Tony informs us that the reason Malenko has Mysterio’s mask is because he ripped it off Rey’s head during an interview on WCW Saturday Night, at which point Tony threw his jacket over Rey to keep his identity a secret. Larry asks if Rey is that ugly. Tony rebukes Larry by reminding him that the mask is “sacred” in Mexico, and that he didn’t see what Rey looked like because Rey had his face on the concrete.
I find it hard to believe that neither Tony nor Larry have ever seen Rey without his mask on, but yeah, whatever.
Stinko’s opponent is “Das BlunderKind” Alex Wright. There are some audible boos as the young German heads to the ring. He’s not a heel at this point, but I think it’s established by now that as far as the WCW audience is concerned, anyone outside of the US and Canada = bad guy. Juvi and Psychosis have faced the same crowd reaction despite not doing anything to earn their scorn besides not being American.
Dean Malenko Vs “Das BlunderKind” Alex Wright
Tony claims that the reason the nWo are at the Marriott Hotel (where the ‘party’ is apparently being held) is because the WCW wrestlers are back from Japan, saying “that’s just like them” and basically insinuating that they’re cowards. Can’t help but call bullshit on this, as the nWo have very much enjoyed getting into a good old ruckus with the WCW lads over the past few weeks. Don’t think there’s any evidence to suggest they’re too scared to show up. It’s not like the WCW crew did a great job repelling the nWo pre-Japan, so why would it be any different now?
Some early chain and mat wrestling from Deano and Alex. Very technical, very smooth. Pretty much what you’d expect from these two. We go to a commercial with Malenko in control, and when we come back Tony says it’s been all Malenko during the break.
They end up on the outside, and Malenko whips Alex into the guardrail.
Dude with the business suit on is getting an action shot with his big 90s camera. Who could have predicted that one day you’d be taking photos in much better quality on a mobile phone?
Alex attempts to flip back into the ring and catch Deano with a sunset flip, but no dice. Deano places Rey’s mask onto the corner ring post.
Rey Postierio. Larry says “it looks better on the pole”, Tony says “it does not, as a matter of fact”. Tony really is no fun at all.
Alex fires back with some punches and uppercuts in the corner, then gives Dean a back body drop. Rather than discuss the match, Tony and Larry instead talk about how Sting isn’t here. Tony says he’s now being referred to as “the lone wolf”, but I’m pretty sure Tony is the only one calling Sting that.
Larry blasts Sting, saying he’s having a temper tantrum. Evidently he hasn’t learned his lesson as far as Sting is concerned - however, with that said I tend to agree with Larry Z. Keeping in mind the reason everyone suspected Sting was because he, by his own admission, ghosted everyone and went into hiding after the nWo Sting’s initial appearance. Yes, the WCW guys should have known it wasn’t Sting who attacked Luger, but still.
Stinko goes flying, but Alex dives out of the way. He rolls Deano up, and gets the surprise victory!
The crowd cheer, having seemingly been won over by Wright’s resilience. Larry and Tony are absolutely stunned at this upset. Larry says “Malenko has got to be disgusted with himself”. Jeez, going a bit far there bro. It’s not like Stinko was wrestling Ronald McDonald. Mr Wright is a solid wrestler, always capable of an upset, but listening to Tony and Larry you’d think this was Wright’s debut match or something.
Kudos to Alex Wright, anyway. I never really cared for him as kid, but rewatching Nitro as an adult I find he consistently has good matches with a variety of opponents. You know if Alex is wrestling it’s going to be a decent match, which you certainly can’t say for a lot of others… cough Jim Duggan.
Alex Wright defeats Dean Malenko via pinfall.
We get a recap of Macho Man wrestling Big Bubba on Saturday Night. Liz is watching from the entranceway, as Macho hits the big elbow. For some reason Mark Curtis tries to stop Macho going up for a second big elbow, and Macho tosses him out of the ring as a result.
Fair enough imo. Macho wasn’t doing anything wrong. Get out of the way, moustache. Nick Patrick comes out and takes a punch.
Good. Tony says he condones this. Larry doesn’t.
Back to Nitro, where we’re about to have an interview with the Macho Man himself. This should be good. Tenay introduces the Macho Man, and his music plays, but nobody shows up. Tenay says he doesn’t understand what’s going on, and the crowd boos. Oh well.
We get a ten second promo from Eddie, who says he’s looking forward to locking horns with Jim Powers. I daresay he is, as that’s basically a guaranteed victory.
We come back from the break to this.
Uh… what’s going on? Did someone mummify Tenta?
No, it’s just a Halloween Havoc/Slim Jim commercial starring Macho Man in a Frankenstein’s monster mask. As James Rolfe would remind us if he was here, it was before 5:40 and actually cared about this nonsense, “Frankenstein is the name of the doctor, not the monster”.
Apparently there’s a competition where you can win a customised Slim Jim monster truck.
Could I just have a cash prize instead?
Oh, look, a cameo from Sister Abigail. I guess she was tight with Macho before hooking up with Bray. That would actually explain a lot.
Jeez, this advert goes on for a long time. Suddenly Ric Flair shows up.
With a couple of blondes, of course.
Macho tells Flair to get lost, but Flair wants to sign up to the sweepstakes. Macho just told you how to do it, bruh, are you deaf? Also the music in the background is the music they used for Thunder when it debuted. Good old stock turner music. Macho says he’ll mash Flair like a pumpkin as Flair leaves this fever dream.
Finally we return to the arena, and here comes WCW’s resident jobber.
With the godfather, aka peanut head, aka buttinski, Teddy Long.
There’s a bunch of dickheads in the crowd with nWo placards. I’d be pissed if that was blocking my view. Also Nick Patrick is wearing a neck brace, presumably due to Savage attacking him on Saturday Night. You’d think WCW wouldn’t force him to work in that condition, but apparently they give no fucks about Patrick’s health.
Eddie gets some major pyro as he comes out. Nice.
Jim “Jobber” Powers Vs. Eddie Guerrero
We know who is going to win, it’s just a case of how long it takes.
1996 Olympics silver medallist Matt Ghaffari is back again – he must be quite the WCW fan. I took a quick look at Wikipedia and it turns out Ghaffari was scouted by WCW, but ultimately didn’t sign on with them. Looks like he wrestled a bit in Japan in the early-2000s and that was about it. What could have been. Larry claims that Ghaffari has been asking him for tips on how to win the gold medal. Why lie, Larry?
Tony notes that the crowd loved Macho Man beating up Patrick on Saturday. Larry asks if the crowd can’t see the instability of Savage, seemingly failing to grasp that this is why people like him in the first place. Also Patrick is a bellend, so obviously people are going to be happy to see somebody smack him around.
Larry is worried because Savage is the one tasked with beating Hogan, and seems to be emotionally unstable. Tony says Savage isn’t the only one fighting the nWo, and brings up Public Enemy, which only seems to strengthen Larry’s point if we’re being honest.
Jimbo is having a good match so far, pretty much dominating, and hits Eddie with a belly-to-belly. I should note by ‘good match’ I mean Powers is in charge, not that the match is good. It isn’t. Anyway, yeah, nice suplex by Powers.
Not that it matters, as the outcome isn’t in doubt.
The crowd is booing, but I’m not sure if they’re booing the match or the dunces walking around with the nWo signs. Probably the latter.
Tony and Larry are talking about Eddie and DDP fighting at Halloween Havoc, and suggesting that it’s for the Battle Bowl ring, which isn’t a championship and… you know what, we’ve been through this before. Fuck that ring, I wish Duggan had flushed it down the toilet when he had the chance – and himself too.
There’s a mixture of booing and an “nWo” chant. A divided crowd it seems.
Powers hits a nice looking superplex, but only gets a two. A short time later Eddie hits a bridging German suplex.
Powers appears to kick out just before the three, but Patrick counts it anyway and calls for the bell.
Teddy Long remonstrates with Patrick, saying that Powers got the shoulder up. Eddie doesn’t look pleased either. Tony says that Nick made the right call, proving that he is seemingly blind or just wasn’t paying attention. Eddie shakes his head and leaves.
An incensed Long asks whether Patrick “needs to go back to referee school”. Is there a school for referees? Curriculum – how to count to three, then how to count to ten, how to be oblivious to illegal activity outside the ring, then…?
Peanut Head raises Power’s arm in victory – savour that image, it’s the only time you’ll ever see it on WCW Monday Nitro. The crowd boos. By the way, isn’t that the same salcom jacket that Mark Henry wore in his fake retirement angle? Maybe he borrowed it from Long.
Looks like we’re heading back to party central.
The Nasty Boys show up and high five Hogan. The quality of the party is not improving. This is the equivalent of being at a friend’s birthday, then his loudmouth idiot cousins show up. Neither you nor your friends like them, but your friend has to be nice to them because they’re family.
Hogan’s shirt says “Hollywood’s Wolfpack”. Interesting - so Hogan was in fact the originator of the Wolfpac. The fingerpoke of doom suddenly makes sense. Actually no, it doesn’t, but fuck that. I doubt I’ll live long enough to get to a Nitro from 1999.
Hall says it’s a party, and the Nastys say they’re here to party. Yeah, looks off the fucking chain.
Nick has put a wolf mask on, for whatever reason. Nash has put on some glasses, for whatever reason. A really old lady shows up with food. Saggs says that the Nastys love the nWo, and this is more than WCW ever did for them.
Being invited to a cheap motel room with a bunch of middle-aged dudes and a six year old kid is more than WCW ever did for them? Sad if true. Let’s be real though, WCW allowing the Nasty Boys to actually be on television in the first place is more than they deserve at this point.
Saggs says he has something to show everyone.
He gets on the table, says he’s going to do an Eric Bischoff impersonation, then grabs his butt cheeks and moves them apart whilst doing a mocking voice. Thankfully he doesn’t pull down his trousers, but still.
The expressions say it all. You’d think he sharted. Maybe he did. What a fucking chode. Hall looks at the camera with embarrassment, as the ‘live’ feed mercifully ends.
The Nasty Boys, those loudmouth cousins nobody likes.
We’re now backstage with Tenay, who is interviewing Arn Anderson, along with Liz and Woman.
Woman looks extremely annoyed. She probably misses Gene. No groping of Tenay, I guess he isn’t bald enough. Or maybe she just likes creepy moustaches, I don’t know.
Arn is unhappy that Liz has been showing up and watching Randy Savage, and also seems to object to her travelling anywhere whilst the Horsemen were in Japan. Why didn’t they take her along, then?
Jeez, Woman is really not happy. Her voice is soft, but her expression is absolute fury. Kind of terrifying, honestly. She sides with Arn, asking why Liz was showing up and gazing lovingly at the Macho Man instead of taking time off.
Liz says it’s complicated, and she doesn’t know what to say. Alright then. Arn pivots to his match tonight against a “fine young talent”, but doesn’t say who. He tells Liz to get her head in the game, whilst Woman says “business is business”. End of segment. That was fine, I guess. It’s weird that suddenly Liz is infatuated with Macho again, but maybe she spent all of his money and needs more. Keep in mind it was only a few weeks ago that she and the Horsemen were yucking it up over spending Savage’s hard-earned cash.
In the arena, out comes this oaf.
Humorous, get it?
Larry says he doesn’t trust women, again, then says maybe Liz ran out of alimony. Shit, that means Larry and I had the same thought, and now I’m re-evaluating everything about myself.
Glorious guitar riffs from the 80s once again forcibly downgrade my computer to DOS, as American Hero Brad Armstrong makes his entrance. Didn’t we have this match a couple of weeks ago? Do we really need to see it again?
Hugh Morrus Vs Brad Armstrong
During the match, the pyro goes off for hour number two, as we switch to Bischoff, Tenay and Heenan.
This is the most exciting part of the match, as you might expect.
Humorous hits his admittedly impressive No Laughing Matter finisher twice to end this one.
Hugh Morrus defeats Brad Armstrong via pinfall.
Hugh gets far too fucking close to the camera.
Disturbing.
Backstage, Arn, Woman and Liz are arguing again. Is she really worth all of this aggravation anyway? I’m sure they’ll do just fine without her. Don’t get me wrong, she’s a beautiful girl and I’m sure she’s a joy to be with, but as Arn and Woman keep repeating… it’s business. So shut the fuck up with this nonsense and get on with it.
We’re now at the announce desk with the Three Amigos. As always, Tenay radiates old-school belt-whippin’ dad energy. Bischoff says he’s going to find out what hotel the nWo are at. Bruh, it’s the Marriott, this was already established. Keep up.
Bischoff says that he’s leaving, much to the confusion of Tenay and Heenan, and says that Tony is welcome to come and take his place. A seat at the big boy table for Tony this week, but at the expense of having to do double the work for presumably the same amount of money. Life is this way sometimes.
Next out is the Lionheart.
God his theme music sucks.
His opponent is Arn Anderson, with Woman. Liz is nowhere to be seen. Damn I love that Horsemen shirt design. I would buy that for a price far above what is reasonable to pay. Not the one Arn is wearing, but a new one in my size. Just to be clear.
Chris Jericho Vs Arn Anderson (w/Woman)
Tony joins Tenay and Heenan at the booth – the first time this trio will commentate together, but certainly not the last time. Tony says he backs Bischoff 100%, and he knows where Bischoff’s loyalties lie. Oh, Tony. You poor naïve simpleton. Heenan, a lot smarter, postulates that Bischoff may well be part of the nWo, which Tony dismisses out of hand. Heenan then suggests Macho won’t join the nWo, due to his hatred for Hogan, so he’s not quite Nostradamus.
Tenay talks about Jericho’s high flying style, as the crowds sits on their hands watching Jericho put a wristlock on Anderson in a match that could best be described as starting off slowly. Liz meanwhile is shown backstage watching on a monitor.
A tiny, tiny monitor.
I have to say I’m not entirely sure what it is that’s stopping Liz from being at ringside. Neither Macho nor the nWo are around, so what’s the problem?
Arn rolls outside, which causes Jericho to launch himself at the Enforcer.
Woman gets in Jericho’s face and slaps him, after which Arn gives him a few punches. Heenan suggests that Jericho might have said something derogatory towards Woman, to which Tony replies “what’s wrong with that?”. Damn, did Tony and his wife have an argument before this show started? Normally he’s pretty chill when it comes to the women, dismissing Larry’s bullshit sexism, but tonight he’s letting the dark side take over. Very disappointing, I expect better from our favourite Butler.
Anyhow, Arn slams Jericho’s head into the steel steps. Patrick isn’t counting either man out because it’s WCW, and rules are only rules when the storyline deems them to be necessary. Liz gets up from watching the monitor and walks off. Not sure where she’s going, but she doesn’t come out to ringside.
Jericho is in total control of Double A, and hits him with a back elbow from the top turnbuckle as Woman screams in despair.
Jericho attempts the Lionsault, but Arn rolls out of the way.
Lionsault. Do Lions even do somersaults? That would be impressive.
Arn takes advantage of this mistake and spikes Jericho with a DDT.
And that’s that. Good outing for Jericho, even in defeat, but the match wasn’t anything special.
Arn Anderson (w/Woman) defeats Chris Jericho via pinfall.
The Horsemen music plays for about three seconds then stops. OK then.
Tony runs down the card for the second hour, then it cuts to the back, where Liz has her bags and seems to be leaving the arena.
Bischoff has apparently also left the arena, to go and confront the nWo at their hotel room. I can see that ending well.
Out comes the man now known as M. Wallsteet. I’d prefer M. Bison. Looking in better condition than last week, at least, but I don’t think the business suit is optimal attire. Better than El Technico’s pyjamas though. Fucking El Technico. El Bullshit.
He’ll be facing Flexy Lexy. No prizes for guessing who wins this one.
M. Wallstreet Vs Lex Luger
Neither you nor me cares about this match, so let’s skip to the finish as it inexplicably lasts seven minutes.
Back to the stock market for you, M.
Lex Luger defeats M. Wallstreet via submission.
The Faces of Fear make random grunty noises in the background whilst Jimmy Hart says of the Rock & Roll Express “this is the night the music dies”. Think that happened once the 80s finished, as far as the Rock & Roll Express are concerned.
Tony says that it takes a big company to admit their mistakes, and they all agree that bringing Hogan to WCW was a mistake. The financials and ratings say otherwise, but yeah, okay. Tony says that WCW also got it wrong about Sting, and they want to give him a peace offering. This is their idea of making things right.
Fuck me. A race car named after Sting, with an ugly, bloated face on the bonnet which looks more like Brian Knobbs wearing KISS facepaint. Why would Sting give a single shit about this, and why is WCW so obsessed with customised race cars lately anyway?
A peace offering? This just looks like they’re mocking him. “That’s his likeness on the front of it,” says Tony, further adding to the mockery. “Sting, we want you to come back to WCW, we were wrong” says Tony. Yes, you were, and judging by this attempt at a ‘peace offering’ you still are.
Out come The Faces of Fear, with the mouth of the south.
Their opponents are the 80s timewarp known as the Rock & Roll Express. Tenay calls them “one of the great teams of the 1980s, trying to expand into the 90s”. It’s already 1996, how much longer are they going to try?
The Faces of Fear Vs The Rock & Roll Express
Morton attempts punching Meng in the head, which is about as useful as throwing your fist against a brick wall. Zero effect. Morton then repeatedly attempts a sleeper on Meng, which also does nothing to help. Barbarian gets tagged in and starts beating on Morton as well.
A weird thing happens where both Morton and Gibson are in the ring, attempting pins on Barbarian. The ref is, for reasons beyond my understanding, counting pins for Gibson even though he hasn’t tagged in. This isn’t a tornado tag, so the ref is just being incompetent as usual. Both Morton and Gibson then attempt pinning Barbarian at once.
Barbarian kicks out, but why is the ref even counting in the first place? This is blatantly illegal. WCW, where rules go to die.
Gibson is then officially tagged in, but why even bother if there are no rules? The ref then proceeds to shove Barbarian over and count a pin by Gibson, which Barbarian again kicks out of. Mark Curtis is making an enemy of these guys, and that isn’t going to end well. Shave that tash and sort yourself out before Meng finishes you.
Morton ends up back in the ring, but is just getting demolished. Gibson attempts to get a “rock and roll” chant going, but the crowd ignore him. Considering the glacial speed of this match, most of them are probably asleep. Speaking of which, where’s Glacier at? More importantly, where’s my man the Train at? What even is an Ice Train? A train made of ice? A train covered in ice? A play on the phrase ‘eye strain’? How does it relate to Ice Train himself? A chill bro who runs through his opponents like a train, maybe?
I don’t know, I’m just bored and chatting shit.
OK, what’s going on in this match…
Oh, Barbarian just pinned Gibson and the match is over. Good. Morton is strolling around in the background, not bothering to break up the pin, but that’s fine by me. Reminds me of the old Smackdown games on the PS2, when you’d press L2 or whatever for your partner to come in and make the save, but the CPU would just wander over casually and not get there in time. Fucking useless CPU.
The Faces of Fear defeat the 80s via pinfall.
Morton tries to grab Barbarian by the hair, but Meng just boots him in the head and out of the ring.
Fucking beautiful. Punting him right back to the 80s where he belongs.
The Faces of Fear continue to beat on Gibson, which brings out Public Enemy.
Not sure why they felt the need to come out and stick their noses in this. Why would they care? I guess they just felt like getting a beating, as the Faces of Fear proceed to toss Rocco out of the ring and then smash Grunge’s knee – which apparently is already injured?
I assume this was done to give Public Enemy an out for losing to the Outsiders, but is that honestly necessary? Even at 200% nobody is buying Public Enemy beating Hall and Nash.
Back to the shittiest party in history. Knobbs is eating, of course. Not just eating, but literally stuffing his face. Saggs looks bored.
The camera pans to Hollywood, and the bearded guy with the ponytail sitting behind him is Kyle Petty. So much for Tony and Larry’s declarations that Petty would never entertain joining the nWo. Wrong again. DiBiase is ordering more champagne, but it’s going to take a lot more than that to save this dire situation. Seriously, why not get some women there instead? The ratio is 100% male and that’s no party. Particularly when one of those males is a six year old boy, and two of them are Knobbs and Saggs.
Kyle Petty speaks. He says that he was offered the WCW car, but he didn’t even know WCW had a car.
There’s a momentary pause before everyone starts fake laughing at this. Awkward. Hogan says Macho is going down at Halloween Havoc, as the ‘live feed’ ends.
It’s time for our main event.
I assume Benoit is there somewhere. Maybe he’s in Mongo’s briefcase.
“Here’s a story of two brothers, Rick and Scott…”
Rick comes out barking, and the crowd barks back at him, which I have to reiterate is not helpful for his clinical lycanthropy at all.
Heenan sarcastically remarks “nice name” as Tony calls Steiner ‘the dog faced gremlin’. “Hi mom, I’m dating the dog faced gremlin” Heenan remarks. I laughed.
Patrick gets too close to the camera and says he’s working hurt, and asks if we see anyone else out here working hurt. No, but this isn’t the flex you think it is, Nick. It just makes you look stupid and WCW look like horrible employers. Patrick says he is the law around here, and he will enforce the rules. Well, that would certainly be a first as far as WCW is concerned, but why is Patrick cutting a promo anyway?
Tony says this match will be “a dandy”. He really needs to stop saying that.
Chris Benoit Vs Rick Steiner
We get a Halloween Havoc promo advert. It’s all going well until the promo guy says The Outsiders will face Harlem Heat. Either he just spoiled a title change happening before Halloween Havoc, or this video was taped before the title change happened – but that was last week, so there’s no excuse for WCW not to have edited this. It suggests that, bafflingly, the decision to put the titles on Public Enemy was a last minute call. I don’t think the Heat are injured, so why? Maybe one of them is injured. I can’t think of any other reason for this.
As Benoit and Steiner hug it out in the corner, Tony tells us all that some guy from the production staff has a new job and is leaving. Good for him, but who cares?
The match is a bit of a brawl, before Steiner launches Benoit with a German suplex. He gets some serious air time.
Rough landing.
Mostly back and forth between these two, nothing special. It’s a Rick Steiner singles match, so you’re not getting a classic regardless of the opponent. Mainly just a few solid suplexes and a lot of barking.
Debra gets on the apron and distracts the ref, as Benoit and Steiner are in the corner. Mongo slips into the ring and winds up to whack Steiner with the briefcase.
Easy as that.
Chris Benoit defeats Rick Steiner via pinfall.
Tony blames Nick Patrick for being distracted and not hearing Mongo’s attack, as if every ref in existence wouldn’t be just as oblivious in the same situation.
We’re back at the ‘party’, which is more like a wake. You may notice that Liz is now in attendance, sitting beside the Giant. Apparently she thought this shindig looked too wild to miss. Considering the male-to-female ratio here, and the fact Liz looks both scared and miserable, it’s an uncomfortable scene to say the least. There’s also the nWo music playing in the background, which Scott Hall called “the soundtrack to your favourite adult movie” last week, so… yeah. Thank god WCW was PG.
Giant is trying to sell the nWo to Liz. I would ask why they want her, but they do need to do something about the gender ratio, so, sure.
Vincent shows up with a large present. Hogan doesn’t seem to care, instead continuing where Giant left off and attempting to convince Liz to become a part of the nWo. Liz says Hogan doesn’t understand, and everything’s changed. I don’t really know what’s going on, honestly. Why did Liz come to the nWo’s hotel alone to begin with if she wasn’t interested in being a part of the group?
The nWo lose interest in Liz, and instead turn their attention to the present that Vincent brought in. Liz gets up and leaves.
Nobody tries to stop her.
Of course, the Macho Man just happens to turn up at this moment. How convenient. Macho yells that Liz is setting him up again. He shouts that she’s got to be ribbing, then starts hollering “son of a bitch”. I’m actually surprised TNT allowed that. Macho is literally screaming in Liz’s face. It’s seriously uncomfortable.
The show ends there. Wait, what? That’s it? What was the present? Where’s Bischoff? Why was Savage standing around yelling at Liz instead of running in and laying a beat down on the nWo?
A bit of a disappointing end. I mean, we might get some of those answers on next week’s show, I guess… but it would have been better if the scene had cut just as Macho stormed into the nWo’s hotel room. Ideally without the whole screaming in Liz’s face part.
Nonetheless, I won’t complain too much. This show was much better than last week’s effort. Not an all time classic, but solid enough, although I am still unhappy with Tony’s turn to the incel side.
Oh yeah, and one more time, fuck El Technico. To paraphrase Orlando Bloom from that episode of Extras where he keeps shitting on Johnny Depp – “El Technico? EL WANKER.”
Actually, one more comment. Aren’t Hogan and DiBiase supposed to be pretty wealthy, as we’ve been told repeatedly by the men themselves and WCW? Why exactly are the nWo staying in this dingy little motel, crammed into some dusty little room? Between Hogan and DiBiase they could have rented out a huge fucking conference room or something. What we saw was just sad, frankly.
Anyway, that’s it. Bye.