#em's parish thoughts

[gloria-solius-dei]

calvinism isn't one for aesthetics – even though my parish is objectively one of the most ornate and, may i say, beautiful in the country. little colour, no paintings, no crucifixes, not even a plain cross.

but we did have this. and i couldn't stop staring at it the whole service through, especially as we passed it before receiving communion. a couple other ladies, presbyters and laypeople, and myself, walked up after the service concluded and took our photos, silently revering the crown for a moment. i can't help but think of the women at the foot of the Cross, the women at the tomb. we carry a legacy of two thousand years in our blood. how beautiful is that?

i had to linger a little, sink on one knee before the crown and wood and say a prayer. and i likely will on Sunday, too.

this power... isn't it amazing?

to quote our pastor today: "The cross brings us all to a halt; it beckons us to make a decision."

when Jesus shows himself, all else goes quiet.

[gloria-solius-dei]

most of the time i don't agree with the Protestant roasting that goes around in online Christian spaces.

then i remember we do donations via credit card (besides the traditional).

every single time i tap it i'm closing my eyes like "okay damn y'all got this one thing on us" 💀

[gloria-solius-dei]

so a part of my journey is that i have not yet been baptised, nor confirmed into the church, yet i had been taking communion as long as i had been attending church. and so, i brought it up with my most dearly regarded pastor today, i told him exactly what i have been doing for the past eight-ish months and how guilty i felt for it.

this is only a part of what he told me, but the most important takeaway to me was:

"the laws of the church exist, but they are man-made laws. so long as someone seeks God with a pure heart, and is in need of him, no man can deny them his presence."

(absolutely not the same context but as a queer christian i will carve that into my heart for the foreseeable future thank you and i think you should too)

we did agree that baptism and confirmation would be what i pursue as soon as i am able. but in the meantime, he advised me, as gently and quietly as he spoke the whole way through, that if i ever feel myself in need of the communion, i shouldn't deny it to myself, and God won't ever be angry at me for trying to be closer to him.

yes, i did cry my eyes out in the church courtyard after.

okay, no, i was already crying *while* having this conversation, even though i tried to hold my head up high for the most part.

i have catholic guilt in levels unprecedented for someone who practises a branch of protestantism, it's actually so entertaining.

[gloria-solius-dei]

so we have an extreme extrovert leading the parish, with two introverts as his colleagues.

Father Extrovert likes showing himself and the parish off. to the point he will stand in the street and read the gospel and sing aloud with like the fifty of us who stuck around after service.

meanwhile Introvert One's soul has left his body as he's suffering quietly in multiple layers of black clothing in the direct sunlight, and Introvert Two is watching the Extrovert and the conductor struggle with the microphone box and politely fighting a smile.

the Extrovert would be amazing at a megachurch if he was born American.

[gloria-solius-dei]

"I know it, but I do not feel it."

“Your brother will rise again.”

“I know he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day.”

You are told your best friend is talking behind your back. But it's impossible. They are so kind, they could never. You remember you had left your umbrella on the bus. But no, you're just scaring yourself, it must be here somewhere. Your beloved has seen you at your worst, is good to you, like no other, kisses you like it's salvation. Do they really love you? Can you be sure?

Anyone you meet tells you God would be against the very person that he made you to be, or helped you make yourself be. No, you know better; God is love. Your Master is standing before you, bearing the wounds of his cavalry. Your fingers dig into his pierced flesh as your head screams: But he is in the grave. You know God is sovereign over life and death, and all those, who live in him, who call his son's name, will never die. And there your brother still is, in the grave, when he could have lived, if the Master had come sooner.

Knowing is not feeling. Every moment you learn something new – every new information changes the perspective. Feeling is not knowing. You may chase after the palaces you have built in your head, but the closed doors will not open for you.

God is the only permanent. The only one who will never decieve you. Lay your head and your heart in his hands.

[gloria-solius-dei]

Pastor A, focused and formal: "First, we kindly ask the faithful sitting on the right side of the church to come forth to receive the Sacraments-"

Freshly confirmed children: *get up to go*

Pastor A: *biggest grin* "-just a little more patience, please..."

"For of such is the Kingdom of God."

i love kids at the altar table. it's always adorable. and it's such a beautiful reminder that in the eyes of the Lord we are all small and worth protecting, loving, nurturing, just like our young. we could all take a lesson from them in eagerness to approach Him.

[gloria-solius-dei]

so i work (among other things) with alcohol and we had this work event where i... kind of got overly enthusiastic tasting wines in a way i never do. i haven't had a single drop of anything since, i was sick of it. serves me right.

i felt really unwell but i dragged myself to the Maundy Thursday service anyway. my migraine is no greater than thirty silvers, tears of blood and a traitor's kiss, but my head was so messy i couldn't even put together a proper prayer to save my conscience.

enter Holy Communion.

i don't believe in, nor does my denomination practise transsubstantiation, and i can fully justify my reaction biologically. i just don't want to right now. that had to have been Christ's Blood for a second there because suddenly i had a full prayer ready and my clarity of mind back. like i had never tasted anything better and never will.

especially since the bread was a little dry.

there goes my sin to confess for tomorrow morning's Communion.

[gloria-solius-dei]

"As you might know, brothers and sisters, next Sunday will be the last Sunday of the month, and also Daylight Savings, remember to adjust all your clocks, we will lose an hour. Keep it in mind, so you don't *awkward giggle* miss the service."

reasons why i love my favorite pastor: he really does feel like a shepherd among managers.